Here’s What Your Name Would Be If You Were a Trader Joe’s Product

Hello, I’m Pumpkin Spiced Buffalo Dog Treats, and this is my husband, Five Cheese Cold Pressed Kale Slaw, and our daughter, Chili Spiced Key Lime Dried Fruit Blend. Over the years, memes have helped decipher what our NPR announcer names would be, and we’ve all announced our brutally honest cookbook names (I’m Nasomi Hermosa, live from Seattle with my book, “We Can Dan Dan That”).

And today we discovered the best one of these yet: a formula to help you figure out what Trader Joe’s product you would be. 

To get your Trader Joe’s product name, you use your birth month for the first part — January will get you the signature company phrase “Everything But The…” and December is obviously the seasonal seasoning of “Candy Cane,” but there’s also the overly general “Asian Inspired” for April and the weirdly uninformative “Unexpected” for July. Your birth day gives you the next descriptor, many of which are pretty straightforward: Cheddar cheese for the third or Key lime for the 12^th. But some of the classic Joe’s items are in there, too, like cookie butter on the 15^th and Joe-Joe on the 26^th. Finally, your first initial gives you the product, ranging from nuggets for A to pasta sauce for Z, with body butter, vodka, and maple ladders in between.

Everyone’s favorite source for trendy but useful and delicious groceries does have a bit of a pattern to their products. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that pumpkin-spiced buffalo dog treats were actually on shelves — so this name generator capitalizes on those typical items to create new ones that are maybe just a little bit off from something they might really sell.

Mostly it’s just a fun and random game — unless you are named Larry and were born on January 20^th, because that’s just boring: your Trader Joe’s product name is simply Everything But The Bagel Seasoning Blend.

So: What’s your Trader Joe’s product name?