It has been 26 years since the final episode of The Golden Girls aired on NBC, a two-parter that ended with Dorothy saying her goodbyes after her wedding to Blanche's Uncle Lucas. (Yeah, it was a complicated finale.) "I mean, what can you say about seven years of fights and laughter ... secrets ... cheesecake," Rose says just before all four Girls hug in front of the wicker furniture one last time.
The Golden Girls might've gone off the air but, come on, it's not like they ever went away. I have been straight-up obsessed forever (even though my strict parents always tried to change the channel when Blanche was talking) and now that the show is on Hulu, I think I've probably spent more time with four Miami retirees than I have with some of my real-life friends.
But, let's be honest, most people aren't as consistently funny or as sweet and dedicated as Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia — and no one has ever worn a nightgown with sewn-in shoulder pads better than they did.
Because I also spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about this show (and selecting imaginary floral fabrics for the furniture on my equally imaginary lanai) I started wondering what kind of cocktail you could make in honor of each character. So while I watched the Murder Mystery episode — "NOT NOW, MA!" — I decided on these.
The Right Cocktail to Drink Based on Your Favorite Golden Girl
"Go to sleep, sweetheart, and pray for brains," Dorothy once told Rose, one of the thousands (and thousands) of examples of her unrivaled savagery. She was never short of a comeback or an insult for anyone — even herself. ("Since when do you care how you look," Blanche once asked. "I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed," she replied.)
So yeah, any Dorothy-related cocktail is gonna be heavy on the bitters. This Miami-fied version of the Old Fashioned is perfect for her; it swaps rum for the traditional bourbon and finishes with a peppery kick that Dorothy would totally appreciate.
In one memorable flashback sequence, this post-menopausal thirst trap said that she'd been kicked out of the Rusty Anchor bar on New Year's Eve. "Like I'm the only person who's ever mixed a margarita in a sailor's mouth," she harrumphed. In addition to loving dudes — all the dudes — her other defining characteristic was her Southern-ness, this Georgia girl who called her father "Big Daddy," attended a finishing school, and once tried to join an organization called "The Daughters of the Old South." (She was disqualified because she had a great-grandmother from New York).
So, for her, I'm drinking Chatham Artillery Punch, a Champagne and bourbon beverage that, like Blanche, originated in Georgia. And you know she'd dig the fact that it was designed to satisfy young soldiers.
This innocent St. Olaf transplant was never one to blow her own vertubenflugen — although her high school classmates did vote her "Most Likely to Get Stuck in a Tuba." She's often on the receiving end of Dorothy and Sophia's sharpest remarks, but she totes has the biggest heart in the 305 area code. (And she could occasionally clap back: "Gee, with only three hours of sleep I can be as b*tchy as you," she sunnily chirped at Dorothy).
Her drink is this sweet pink rosé lemonade, both because of the name and because you can pair it with anything from Eggs Gafloofen to Genurkenflurken cake.
She started roughly 10,000 stories with slight variations on the same four-word phrase: "Picture it: Sicily, 1932." Although the year might change, the setting remained a constant, as did Sophia's pride in her heritage. (She also said she'd put Sicilian curses on a long list of people — everyone from loudmouth neighbors to Shelley Long to the New York Jets — so I'm not gonna question any aspect of her history).
There's no better tribute for Shady Pines' most notorious former resident than The Palermo, a cocktail named for the capital of the Sicilian region that gets its zing from Sicily's own blood oranges.
"You'll always be my sisters," Dorothy says in that finale, just before she walks out the front door for the very last time.
Same, Zbornak. Saaaame.