So you might've heard that there's a wedding this weekend. Despite the fact that America legit fought a war to escape the British monarchy, seemingly every television channel that isn't SyFy is breathlessly counting the minutes until Prince Charles walks Meghan Markle down the aisle and straight into the Royal Family. (And even that has been endlessly dissected: as of this morning, Meghan has decided that she'll be walking her own self at least halfway down the aisle, because feminism).
ANYWAY, the networks aren't the only ones tripping over their own feet in an attempt to co-opt some of this wedding magic, because an increasing number of food-n-bev companies are doing the exact same thing. Here are some of the weirdest royal tie-ins that we've seen so far.
Campbell's is taking this occasion to promote its Royal Wedding Soup, a time-sensitive variation of its Italian Wedding Soup. (The Royal Version swaps ground chicken for ground beef, sliced zucchini for escarole, and adds ditalini pasta, because nothing says House of Windsor like a box of stumpy macaroni). "Enjoy this soup, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until 10 servings do us part," Campbell's says. Or just pour the leftovers directly into your own mouth while you watch William & Kate on Lifetime.
Dunkin' Donuts has created a heart-shaped, jelly-filled Royal Love Donut that is supposed to symbolize romance or whatever. It also symbolizes the fact that Dunkin' Donuts just seems to have one cookie cutter, because it rolls heart-shaped carbs out every February too. "The Royal Wedding represents optimism, happiness and joy, and thus is a perfect opportunity for our brand to celebrate," Dunkin' Brands Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Nigel Travis said.
Like, I might never marry into a family where my grandma-in-law owns every whale and dolphin that swims within three miles of my adopted country, but at least my own wedding won't involve brands that feel obligated to celebrate.
Heidi, a bakery in Windsor, England has taken coffee art to a next level and is serving lattes with Harry and Meghan's faces printed in the foam. This might be your only chance to lick Harry's face without being detained and questioned, so you'd better swing by the cafe sometime between now and Saturday afternoon.
Velveeta has released a fancy limited-edition version of your favorite sophomore-year staple, replacing the shells in its cheesy pasta with crowns. Each box of Crowns and Cheese is packaged in a gold foil box, and is accompanied by a gold-plated spoon. "Who wants to be a princess, when you can indulge in creamy Velveeta Crowns & Cheese and eat like a Queen?" Velveeta asks. And to that, we'd say that Queen Elizabeth has done a lot of things since she ascended to the throne 66 years ago, but eating a foil packet of powdered cheese probably isn't one of them.
"Please join us by 'raising a chip' to the happy, royal couple," Tostitos says, in the most credulity-straining tie-in. The chipmaker thinks that there is someone in this world that will use four of its products to make a three-tier, seven-layer dip wedding cake. I'm not saying that I won't be weeping into a bowl of Chunky Salsa while I sit in my pajamas watching the couple exchange their vows, but this just seems like a lot of extra dishes to wash before breakfast.
Congrats, Harry and Meghan! We're sorry about all of this!