Move over, Hitchcock. Sure, Psycho and Strangers on a Train were suspenseful, but for nail-biting excitement, nothing beats the gripping tale of a stolen box of shrimp fried rice that had all of Twitter on the edge of its seat this weekend.
It all began when writer and comedian Zac Toscani announced on Twitter that a lunch had been stolen at his office. And it wasn't just any lunch, either — it was a brand-new container of shrimp fried rice that had just been purchased a half hour earlier! The internet was horrified that someone would steal such a thing.
Everyone has either had a lunch stolen or knows someone who has, and the worst part of having a lunch stolen is that we normally never find out who did it. Which of the ostensibly human people around us is really a cold-blooded lunch thief in disguise?
Toscani's tweet promised satisfaction, though, because there was security footage of the lunch room, and the coworker with the stolen lunch was actually going to be allowed to watch it! That's the dream. And justice for Toscani's coworker felt like justice for everyone who's ever had a lunch stolen.
His first tweet has been liked more than 550,000 times and retweeted more than 173,000 — you can practically hear the entire internet leaning forward to watch what happens next.
Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
The lunch in question was shrimp fried rice which means this escalates from a misdemeanor to felony no doubt— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Case facts:— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Lunch was in fridge for less than an hour before it vanished. No shrimp smell remnants in the microwave or kitchen area. This was a professional hit no doubt
Only the victim was allowed to see the tape, but the entire office knew it was happening. It's just like in the end of a murder mystery when the detective assembles all the suspects and finally reveals the killer. Toscani said he had no idea who it was, only that it wasn't him. Everyone waited on the edges of their seats until the man with the stolen lunch came back.
"He's seen the tape. He knows who did it," Toscani wrote.
So the man who’s lunch was stolen sits across from me. The person who stole his lunch sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME! She left for the day before the investigation started— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Toscani is our narrator, and he seemed thrilled to find himself right in the middle of the drama. The victim sat across from him; the perpetrator sat next to him. Toscani had the best seat in the room for this drama.
And then, as with any great suspense, there is a shocking twist: She didn't even eat the food!
According to the video, this psychopath DIDNT EVEN EAT THE FOOD. She took it out of the fridge and threw and buried it in the trash— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
She just took the brand-new fried rice out of the fridge and threw it away! Somehow, that makes the crime seem even worse, but the drama even better. Why did she throw it away? She buried it in the trash, so she clearly knew she was doing something unacceptable. Now it's gone from a classic whodunnit to a psychological thriller.
Her motives remain completely unknown. In lieu of what he saw on the tape he has decided to not to press the matter anymore. I can’t say I blame him. We don’t know what this women’s fully capable of— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
Points to clarify: he bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30am (carry out) and put it in the fridge to chill until he takes lunch at noon. So she had exactly a 30min window of time to do what she did. There was no intention of microwaving the food— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The victim told HR that he just wanted to know who did it, and that he didn't want to be responsible for someone getting fired over fried rice — even if it did have shrimp in it. So nothing bad was going to happen to the woman. But she was out of the office when the drama went down; when she walked back into the office, everyone knew what she had just done (but she had no idea they knew).
After charges were dropped, HR sent a company wide email about not stealing people’s lunches. She is scheduled to arrive at work in 20min. My blood is on cocaine— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The next scene needs to be printed in literature textbooks and taught in schools.
"She has walked into the room. And the room is dead silent," Toscani wrote. "From the moment she walked in, I've just been staring at her."
I can’t move. I simply cannot move, anything could happen right now— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
!!!! After seeing the HR email she says out loud “woah. Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?” !!! I may have to run out of this room— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The victim might not have wanted her to be fired, but there's no way a human being could sit quietly and listen to her say, "Who would do something like that?" He has to let her know that he knows. That we all know.
After she said that, shrimp guy responds “well yea it’s not ok to throw someone’s food away” we’re all about to start screaming— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The situation is about to get even more bizarre.
"After he says that she goes 'oh it was your lunch?' BEAT she continues, 'well why would you go to HR about that?!'"
She has simultaneously denied her involvement AND called the guy who saved her job a snitch!!!!!!!!!— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
Dude just sighed and went back to work after she said what she said. She looks frightwningly calm— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
The victim's lunch was gone and his faith in humanity shaken, but he just sighed and went back to work. But everyone knew! Everyone in the office knew, and more than 550,000 people on Twitter know too, now.
I’ll keep updating if anything else occurs but all I can say is that EVERYONE in the office from the janitor to the founder knows what she did. She now carries an invisible scarlet letter— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
This is real. This is happening. We know who did it but we don’t know why. It’s a post production company so we’re in fact open today. She’s been sitting 3ft from me this whole time— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
Toscani, no longer content to be the narrator, gets involved in the denouement and orders shrimp fried rice for all three of them.
Unbeknownst to the guy and the woman, I just ordered 3 shrimp fried rice plates for lunch and will be hand delivering them— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
She took the fried rice from me with a big smile on her face. She’s eating it and loving it. This is utter ruthlessness— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
She just grinned as she ate the shrimp fried rice! I feel chills. This is like that old Roald Dahl story where a woman murders her husband with a frozen leg of lamb, then cooks and serves it to the police officers investigating the crime.
I wish I could close this up with a neat little bow, but, it appears that we may never know why she did it. Maybe she doesn’t know she did it. Either way I’m now forced to work 40hrs a week next to a cold blooded individual— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 30, 2018
Toscani felt bad that there wasn't a neater ending with a little bow, and we'll probably never know why she threw her coworker's lunch away. But as much as everyone wants to know those answers, Hamilton writer Lin-Manuel Miranda says he thinks the ending is perfect the way it is.
I love this ending. I don't need to know why she did it, I enjoyed the ride.— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) March 30, 2018
Thanks for today.
This might be the first time that I've ever disagreed with Lin-Manuel Miranda — I really do want to know why she did it. Why would she throw away the shrimp fried rice, then eat the second one? The mystery of the stolen office lunch is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
What do you think of the saga of the stolen shrimp fried rice?