I’m Sorry, Trader Joe’s, but We Can’t Get Behind This Product

Jelisa Castrodale
Jelisa Castrodale
Jelisa is a freelance writer who has covered food and travel, sports and pop culture for numerous publications. When she's not on deadline, she enjoys getting new passport stamps, collecting records and shouting at her beloved Liverpool Football Club.
updated May 1, 2019
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(Image credit: Joe Lingeman)

One of the most frequently quotable lines in a movie that is made entirely of frequently quotable lines is “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.” That’s how Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, the Eagles-hating, rug-appreciating, White Russian-sipping protagonist of The Big Lebowski, responds to a graphic threat from one of his bowling league rivals. It’s also usually how I respond to anyone who criticizes ANYTHING from my beloved Trader Joe’s: “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

In the deepest ventricles of my heart, I know that Trader Joe’s never does anything wrong. Or at least that’s what I thought, until I tried one of their newest products.

In its most recent “Fearless Flyer,” Trader Joe’s announced the arrival of its Apple Cider Jam (which I love) and its Organic Hot Cocoa Toaster Pastries (which are amazing, even though I find One Entire Box to be an insufficient serving size). It also introduced another new condiment, Trader Joe’s Carrot Cake Spread. “It’s like a jar of carrot cake, without the flour and eggs,” my beloved TJ’s promised me. “Deep orange in color, with a texture between jam and [fruit] butter, it tastes like sweet carrots, warm spices, soft raisins, and accents of molasses & vanilla.”

Read more: Carrot Cake Spread from Trader Joe’s

My (Unfortunate) Review of Carrot Cake Spread

I immediately went to my local T-Joe’s to pick it up — and it was temporarily sold out. I went back a couple of days later, and a row of jars with soft blue labels was waiting for me on the shelf. I picked one up, dipped a spoon into it as soon as I got home and … immediately wondered why there were so many carrot bits in it.

I ate two or three more bites, and then just had to stop. It’s too sweet to the point of being cloying (I mentally started wondering how I’d explain this to my dentist) and, although ginger isn’t specifically mentioned among the “spices” on its ingredients list, this stuff has a very sharp gingery aftertaste that I didn’t enjoy AT ALL. (I do like ginger — just not this ginger impersonator hanging out with these weird carrot pieces).

You can’t truly have carrot cake spread without cream cheese, right? So the next morning I reluctantly gave it a second chance. Reader: I still hated the taste and the texture. (The label recommends pairing it with pork tenderloin, which I haven’t tried yet. I’m just not ready to be hurt again.) After that, I just pushed it to the back of my refrigerator, behind a half-eaten meatball sub and a bottle of Pumpkin Spice Latte Cold Brew Coffee that I bought because I hadn’t renewed my subscription to “It’s Fall & I’m Basic” magazine.

So yeah, this Trader Joe’s Carrot Cake Spread is a rare misstep from my favorite grocery store. But you know, that’s just, like, my opinion, man.