The 30 Thoughts We All Have on Every Trip to the Grocery Store
Every Sunday afternoon I dutifully write out a grocery list and then leave it on the corner of the kitchen counter for several hours, while I invent a second list of Things That Need to Be Done Before Getting the Things on That First List.
I would rather do literally anything than stand on a slick tile floor, debating whether it’s worth the extra 13 cents to buy name-brand black beans. I hate grocery shopping, which is why I usually either put it off until the last 15 minutes before the store closes or I skip it entirely, and spend the week learning what time the gas station down the street puts a new batch of taquitos on the heat roller.
Whenever I finally do drag myself to the store, the exact same thoughts flicker through my brain, starting when I take those first steps through the door. I imagine this is how your thoughts progress as well.
- Okay, this time I’m sticking to the perimeter of the store. Fruits and veggies, lean meats, nothing with a cartoon character on the box.
- Oh, and I’m only buying the things on this list.
- Or I could pretend I’m Gwyneth Paltrow and only buy things that she would buy. That’d be fun!
- No, I hate Gwyneth and there’s no way I’m finding Cordyceps dust in this place. Maybe I’ll pretend I’m Oprah.
- Oprah would buy a box of brownie mix, you just know it.
- I’m not taking a free cookie from the sample lady.
- I’ll only take one free cookie.
- Why do I have four cookies in my hands? Eat and move, eat and move. They’re my cookies now.
- Those sushi samples are probably a bad idea.
- At least I’ll know my cause of death.
- Why are there so many yogurts? When did we, as a civilization, start to require this much yogurt? Greek yogurt, goat yogurt, kefir, skyr, quark, coconut — are we supposed to know which is the superior yogurt?
- Danimals Strawberry Explosion it is.
- Nice try, fancy packaging, but eating a bowl of cottage cheese will never be considered “treating myself.”
- K-cups are so expensive. Nine bucks for this box? That comes out to, like, 50 cents per cup. No, thank you!
- Ooh, maybe I should stop at Starbucks on the way home.
- YES, BRAIN, I UNDERSTAND MY VARIOUS SHORTCOMINGS.
- I could buy these chicken breasts or I could buy Halo Top. It has protein so it’s basically a health food. And it fits in the cup holder of my car.
- How much longer do we have to pretend to like kale? Who decides these things?
- Gwyneth. It’s Gwyneth.
- Baby carrots are less a vegetable, and more a ranch dressing transport vehicle.
- I need some baby carrots.
- I need some ranch dressing.
- Dog food is in the refrigerated section now?
- Wait, Chunky Beef Roll with Vegetables actually sounds pretty good.
- Could I … could I make Freshpet sliders? Should I?
- I can’t decide whether Oprah would do this or not.
- I will never connect with another human the way I connect with the cheese section.
- I should’ve brought my own bags. I’ll do it next time. Otherwise, how will I let people know that I’ve donated to PBS?
- I will not take another cookie on the way out.
- Eat and move, eat and move. They’re my cookies now.