The Only Stocking Stuffer 2020 Deserves

This year has been like an endless clown car full of crap: just when you think things couldn’t get worse, another red-nosed murder hornet zips out, joined by its polka-dot-outfitted hurricane friends, and a big, curly-wigged pandemic. So, forget all those usual stocking stuffers full of tinsel, cheer, and happiness — this is not time for sparkly socks and chocolate oranges. This year, the only appropriate stocking stuffer is the “Party Python.” We recommend giving it with plenty of vodka.

The party python is a nearly eight-foot-long gummy snake, weighing almost 27 pounds. It’s estimated to have a shelf life of a year, which shouldn’t matter because there is no way that you should be keeping this thing in your house for an entire year. The red snake has what the company describes as “lifelike scales” running in a dark streak down its back, “a detailed face,” (again, their words), and “muscular body.” We don’t doubt for a second the promise that people “will be talking about this one-of-a-kind centerpiece for weeks to come.”

If you aren’t already convinced that this absurdity might be the only accurate representation of 2020 in candy form, the reviews stand ready to convince you, with comments like “I don’t think anything can prepare you for how it looks in person,” “His sweet eyes bulged out at me in delight,” and “It was rather difficult to carry this on the train.”

Just be warned that the joy of getting to figure out how to shove these “coils and coils of gummy goodness,” into a stocking doesn’t come cheap: the party python currently runs $187 and — much to the disappointment of some of the commenters on Amazon — doesn’t come with the good-looking man wearing a tank top and possibly fake leather pants (?) modeling the candy reptile on his bare shoulders in the photographs.

Buy Now: Giant Gummy Bears Party Python, $187