According to Kraft, the Latest and Greatest Trend in Astrology Is … Mayonnaise?

published May 23, 2022
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A retail grocery store shelf with Kraft mayo
Credit: Shutterstock/Wirestock Creators

I just found out that Mercury is currently in Gatorade.

Wait, that’s not right. Hold on.

Okay. Retrograde. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Mercury is in retrograde. This astrological period of time is written in the stars (and, I guess, planets), and is known for being a free-for-all of chaotic mayhem. Technology is thought to be buggy during MIR, contracts fall through, and — I’m betting — toast gets burnt a lot more frequently.

What’s a person to do? Well, according to Kraft — maker of mayonnaise, marshmallows, and Cheez Whiz — you can get a custom astrology reading.

Kraft is partnering with David Ebert, a totally non-accredited, untrained “astrologist” (he’s a comedian, folks) in a marketing program that’s sure to be a success. Through TikTok and Twitter, Ebert is giving personalized astrology readings, based on how you spread mayonnaise on a slice of bread.

Even Twitter royalty is getting in on the fun; lovable dad Simon Holland shared a submission earlier this month, and was told that, “u @simoncholland r a multiple swiper! known for being optimistic, jolly, and fortunate. ur inner world is neat squeezer (fair minded, considerate). when two mutable spreads are present, expect nothing but SMOOTH VIBES”

Seems accurate, but what do I know? I’m not a professional.

Wanna play along? Snap a pic or record a video of your mayo-slathered (or austerely-spread) bread and tag @RealKraftMayo on social. The self-appointed Mayo Reader will analyze and interpret every single submission. You’ll have to act fast, though. Although Mercury is in retrograde through 6/2, The Mayo Reader is only taking “clients” through Thursday, May 26. 

What do you think the Mayo Reader has to say about mustard?