The past couple of months have been preeeetty eventful for Gwyneth Paltrow. In September, she had to pay $145,000 to settle a consumer protection lawsuit that was filed over Goop's claims that women should shove $55 jade eggs into their you-know-whats if they wanted to improve their reproductive health. Just last week, she was reported to advertising regulators in the United Kingdom because of some of Goop's dubious wellness products, including sunscreen, "health-giving stones," and a prenatal vitamin pack.
Oh, and she got married! Paltrow (or GP, in Goop-speak) has revealed some of the details of her September 29 ceremony, which saw her swap vows with television producer Brad Falchuk. The theme of the wedding seems to be "You Will Never Have This," because — quick show of hands — who among us can fly an Argentine celebrity chef 5,000 miles so he can stand in a wooden cabin preparing our rehearsal dinners?
Read more: The Wedding Party: GP x Brad Tie the Knot
That chef, Francis Mallmann, served salt-crusted wild salmon, beef ribeye, and rescoldo, a dish described as "ash-cooked butternut squash, sweet potatoes, and beets." He also spent 12 hours grilling pineapples, which GP described as being "so tender you can eat it down to the core."
Dinner at the reception was prepared by James Beard Award-winning chef Mario Carbone, who served prime rib and fall vegetables à la Carbone.
And despite the obsessively curated, branded, and sponsored weekend, the celebrity guest list (Robert Downey, Jr! Cameron Diaz!), and the charming Staub cast-iron cocottes that are available in the Goop store for $270-$360, depending on the size, the new couple couldn't agree on what kind of wedding cake to serve. "A compromise," one photo caption reads. "Forty-five personalized carrot cakes (bride's choice) and forty-five chocolate and vanilla cakes (groom's choice)."
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An amazing end to the week! We had the honor of making wedding cakes for @gwynethpaltrow + @bradfalchuk at their end of summer wedding in Amagansett. See the effortlessly elegant details on @goop. Thank you to planner @ckcohen for being so lovely to work with, and to @johndolanphotog for the stunning photographs. HAPPY WEEKEND!!!! #thefaltrows #pinchme #linkinprofile
Oh, Gwyneth. You can tell us to shove expensive rocks into our undercarriages, sell an at-home colon cleansing kit, and even force us to watch you sing (WE GET IT, YOU HAVE A VOICE), but carrot cake is a step too far (sorry, I have FEELINGS about carrot cake).
The cakes themselves were made by Nine Cakes, a bakery in Brooklyn, New York. According to Nine Cakes' website, its wedding cakes have a minimum cost of $10 per serving, plus a delivery fee, which means that the Palchuks – GP's word – paid at least a grand to force half of their guests to eat carrot cake.
If I'd been a guest, when I saw the words 'carrot cake' on those dinner menus that were printed by Ellen Weldon Design with artwork and calligraphy by Stephanie Fishwick, I would've pushed my chair back and left immediately, before it was even placed on my Vista Alegre dessert plate. Congratulations, but no thank you.