watch week

If You Were a Character on The Good Place, This Would Be Your Frozen Yogurt Flavor

published Jan 30, 2020
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The series finale of The Good Place is TODAY, which is a loss for anyone who loves to laugh while also questioning their entire existence. Is that the first time a philosophy 101 course came in handy? We will miss Kristen Bell screaming “what the fork” and Chidi being, well, Chidi.

We’ll also miss all the hilarious food references — because just like everything else on The Good Place, the culinary details were so specific and funny. Nothing is ever presented as normal or average in this show. Why settle for a regular candy when you can lick a lollipop that lets you talk to birds? Or sip Oprah’s mushroom water from Maui made with mushrooms from her private bog in the Pyrenees mountains? 

And then there’s the frozen yogurt shops. As Ted Danson’s character, the non-human architect, so aptly described fro-yo: “There’s something so human about taking something and ruining it a little so that you can have more of it.” Of course, it being The Good Place and all, there weren’t just average flavors to choose from at these shops. Instead of vanilla or chocolate, you had options like “cancelled plans” or “Millenial confidence.” How tasty.

To say goodbye to the show, we decided to look into our magical crystal ball and figure out what flavor of frozen yogurt everyone would choose if they were a character on The Good Place (with a little help from your zodiac sign). A bit of a leap? Yes. A perfect way to honor one of our favorite shows? We think so. Let’s get to it.

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)

Swirled mint and orange just to see if it’s really THAT bad, a dollop of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” all capped off with the relief of knowing that you will never be late again because time is a construct. 

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

*Upon first bite hears a round of applause from the toast you made at a wedding one time* Swirled last step of a 10 mile hike and clean teeth after the dentist, topped with cancelling your plans last second to take a bubble bath. 

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

“Wait, this meme reminds me of you” swirled with I turned an old bridesmaid dress into this top and skirt, spicy passion fruit margaritas made with rum! (I swear, it’s the best, it reminds me of that time I met an artist in Baja and we took his motorcycle to a hidden beach), topped with “wait, what were we talking about?” 

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Tahani’s one million flavors “You can taste every one, it’s remarkable!”

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

The taste of success which is a mix of that pie you finished first in the pie-eating competition and the moment at the club when the beat drops, a speakeasy cocktail from the one time you asked the bartender to make you “something good” and they actually did. 

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Doesn’t really matter but it’s all covered in chocolate sauce and eaten in bed except for Super Bowl Sunday when homemade nibbles and beer are in order. Also, will take that extra day off this month to tell family and friends you love them.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Base of accidental Sunday Funday, swirled heart-to-heart chats and celebrity gossip,  layered with hosting epic Bachelor viewing parties and all topped with joie do vivre!

Cancer (June 20 to July 21)

Baking cookies for your co-workers, twirling the cheese from French onion soup in a mountain lodge, topped with drinking a magnum of rosé with friends on an unseasonably warm, sunny day.

Leo (July 22 to August 22)

Grandma’s Lemon Bars base swirled with reading the comments from their most liked posts, air drying after the shower and all topped with the crisp feel of sheets in the fancy shmancy hotel someone else paid for and invited them to stay in. 

Virgo (August 23rd to September 22)

Base of fully-charged phone battery, swirled pour over coffee with just a splash of oat milk (is there any other way/the satisfaction of knowing that any other way is wrong, morally and otherwise) and Grandma’s apple crisp, topped with whipped cream from a can that you say was home-made.

Libra (September 23 to October 22)

The first person to taste salted caramel base swirled with a trip to a the chicest spa,  having your picture as a “Do” in your favorite fashion mag, topped with “don’t tell but everyone in the Good Place has a crush on you.”

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Spiced chocolate sorbet, the joy your dog feels you when you really DO come home from work, all coated in a velvety meringue and flambéed to perfection.