Feeling Bitter? Some NSFW Valentine’s Day Ideas from S%!# Food Bloggers Say

Feeling a little burned out on the food bloggers’ version of Valentine’s Day? One too many heart-shaped pepperoni, perhaps? This week we are asking experts to share their ideal Valentine’s Day menus and today the blogger behind the Tumblr and Twitter handle, S— Food Bloggers Say, gives voice to the bitter, the burned out, the ones who just don’t buy into this holiday. No candles. No roses. There will be Nutella, but — well, you might not want to know the details.

(If you do, just a reminder: this menu is definitely NSFW.)

I have spent every Valentine’s Day of my adult life alone and it’s helped me to learn to dig in and love myself. Five years ago, I started a tradition of giving myself something special. Something personal. Intimate. A beautiful, shiny Nutella mold of my genitals. The best gifts are homemade; I really am worth it. I’m considering using Biscoff this year if the sponsorship terms are right.

Meatloaf is sexy. This is a fact. Hot, moist. Loafy. It’s even sexier when I make it in my heart-shaped muffin pans. Lipton Onion Soup Mix is my secret ingredient. (That last sentence is the only true part. #spon)

I also like pasta. A long straight noodle of some sort. Spaghetti. Bucatini. Linguini. Linguini fini. The point is you have choices. I like to make a classic marinara or whatever simple tomato sauce the New York Times recently devoted 10,000 words explaining how to make, and then top my noodle of choice with my overly explained sauce. (And screw the Italians, you put as much marinara sauce as you want on it ’cause there’s no such thing as over-saucing when you’re gonna get some, right? High five!)

It’s magic.

Trim that s— up.

• Check out the S.F.B.S. Tumblr
• Follow on Twitter