5 Things I Bought with My Ex-Boyfriend’s Costco Card

A breakup is one of those dates that you don’t intentionally try to remember and don’t ever mean to commemorate. But then you’ll notice a random summer Thursday on the calendar, and it hits you why you woke up feeling slightly disconnected from … everything. All of a sudden you’re back in that kitchen that used to be familiar, listening to Michael Bolton strain through another crap love song on CBS Sunday Morning when your boyfriend — he was still, at that second, your boyfriend — says that things aren’t working and they haven’t been for a while.

That was news to me. I don’t really remember leaving his house or how I got home or what I did for the next few days. But eventually, I had to pull myself together, change into clothing that wasn’t made entirely of elastic and sadness and to, like, do something. I started with a trip to Costco.

The only reason I had a membership was because he’d given me his Executive card, and as it was scanned at the door, I wondered how long I’d have access to this magical place of impulse-buy kayaks and unholy amounts of mayonnaise. The answer? Until he realized that his card was missing, like, a year later.

I did a lot of bulk shopping on his card, and considered buying a lot of things before realizing that I couldn’t actually charge them to him. (A $250 40-pound stuffed bear is a small price to pay for pulverizing someone’s heart). Anyway, some of the best things that I bought — and bought most frequently — included a couple of things that you might want to put in your own cart, whether you’re paying for your own membership, you’re scamming your own ex, or you just borrowed a friend’s card for the day.

1. A half sheet cake: The motivation behind this one’s pretty obvious, no?

2. Skinny Pop popcorn: Not every giant box of snacks is a great value, but I’m giving this one a thumbs up. It was $14-ish for 28 bags and it’s delicious.

3. Bacon: I don’t really need an excuse to buy four one-pound packages of hickory-smoked bacon, but getting dumped was a pretty good one.

4. Cheese: Costco has a better-than-you’d-think cheese section, even if you don’t need 72 pounds of Parmigiano-Reggiano. It has some great specialty cheeses (my local has had Comté, Manchego, and Mexican queso panela). And according to one reviewer, a two-pound block of Kirkland Signature Mild Cheddar is $4.79, which is 10 cents cheaper-per-ounce than buying cheese at Walmart.

5. Shrimp tray with cocktail sauce & lemon: When I didn’t feel like cooking, but had to make myself eat something other than bacon and sheet cake, this was a legit lifesaver. Also, there’s nothing like shrimp cocktail to make you feel slightly fancy, even when you’ve been wearing the same threadbare Fleetwood Mac T-shirt for at least four days.

I hope no one breaks your heart, but if he or she does, I hope they forget that you still have their Costco card. I’m sorry — but would you like a piece of sheet cake?