Ridiculous Olds Now Claiming That Millennials Are Wrecking Thanksgiving Meals Too

published Nov 16, 2018
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(Image credit: Joe Lingeman)

Earlier this week, Hasbro released “Monopoly for Millennials,” a variation of your weird aunt’s favorite board game that replaces the familiar properties, utilities, and railroads with experiences like eating at a vegan bistro and attending a meditation retreat. The tagline for this game that exactly none of us want to ever play? “Forget real estate, you can’t afford it anyway!”

Get it? Because we’ve blown all of our money on avocado toast and expensive coffees! Mr. Monopoly – whose official name is “Rich Uncle Pennybags” – is 82 years old and independently wealthy, which makes him exactly the kind of Old who complains about millennials (or “the youth of today”) and how we’ve ruined … everything. Apparently this demographic is responsible for the downfall of the real estate industry, the institution of marriage, breakfast cereals, chain restaurants, wine corks, and pretty much everything else. And NOW we’re destroying the turkey industry too.

“Millennials Are Disrupting Thanksgiving with Their Tiny Turkeys,” a Bloomberg headline harrumphed, warning that those of us who live in a single or two-person household, who are more conscious about food waste, or who worry about what kind of hormones or farm conditions cause turkeys to grow to 30 pounds are WRECKING THIS BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY. (Apparently being conscious of what kind of chemicals you might be ingesting or unwilling to trash several pounds of uneaten meat are characteristics of millennials.)

So yeah, the demand for smaller turkeys has increased — but those pretty dang traditional 12- to 14-pound birds are still the best-seller for poultry producer Bell & Evans, and Whole Foods says that its most popular sizes are between 14 and 18 pounds. WHAT EXACTLY HAVE WE RUINED, UNCLE PENNYBAGS?

If less food waste, a cheaper-but-still-effective holiday, or preferring humanely or pasture-raised turkey makes me an obnoxious millennial, then so be it. Now roll the dice, Aunt Nancy. If you get a four, you can visit that meditation retreat.