An Open Letter to My Family: The Last Spoonful of Jam Will Not Kill You

updated May 2, 2019
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(Image credit: Anne Wolfe Postic)

It won’t even make you sick. And I know this for a fact, because you’ve been eating it for years, through no effort of your own, and minimal subterfuge on my part. You know what else? Your taste buds are not very advanced. And that includes you, dear husband.

(Image credit: Anne Wolfe Postic)

On a regular basis, I look into my refrigerator to find identical jars of condiments. One jar of mustard has but one teaspoon remaining. Dear family, can’t get that teaspoon out of the jar? Here’s a tip: Make vinaigrette right in the jar! Or turn it upside down and add it to the new jar. Or just put the jar in recycling. I hate waste, but I’ll never know.

Just don’t look at the old jar, decide that life is too short to scrape mustard, and go to the store for another jar. You know what? You could even leave it on the counter with a note attached: “Dear Anne/Mom/Mommy, I can’t deal with this. Can you please handle it?” Yes, this will take longer than just consuming it, but that’s on you.

Personally, I love a sterling iced tea spoon to get the last of the jam from the jar. It adds a touch of elegance and it may even be good for your health. It’s possible that food tastes a little better from a silver spoon. Also? It is totally appropriate to lick the spoon when you’re using the end of something. I won’t even get mad!

(Image credit: Anne Wolfe Postic)

Don’t like silver? We have an actual utensil for scraping the bottom of the jar. Cuisipro makes this nifty spreader, specifically for peanut butter and jelly, but it also works on mayonnaise, honey and other spreadable delights.

Like I said, the last bite won’t kill you, and I know this, because you’ve been eating it for years. When you aren’t looking, I add those remaining spoonfuls to the new jar, the one you have already opened. Not a single one of you has ever noticed a difference in taste. During The Kitchn Cure, I consolidated fig, apricot, raspberry and blueberry jam. You had no idea.

I love you all. I really do, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. But can we make 2014 “The Year of Using ALL the Condiments?” Let’s do it! Family goals are fun!

Do any of the people who live with you have habits in the kitchen that irritate you, even just a little? How do you deal with it? Are you direct, or do you just passive aggressively post about it on the internet?