Doritos are a fascinating food stuff. While ostensibly tortilla chips, they're not meant to be dipped in salsa, guac, or even queso. Instead, their raison d'etre is to be eaten on their own, totally naked, the way God and Frito-Lay intended. This being the case, there really is only one choice when deciding which flavor to serve at your Super Bowl party.
Dorito aficionados of the world, please allow me to provide five flavor-packed reasons why going for Cool Ranch is always the smart move.
1. One word: flavor.
Listen, I'm not knocking Nacho Cheese Doritos. Released nationwide way back in 1972, they're the original, the O.G., the chip that launched a thousand snack attacks. But the truth of the matter is, they're kinda boring. That's why I'm thankful that, in 1986, those mad geniuses at Frito-Lay unleashed Cool Ranch into the world.
So what is the flavor, exactly? Damned if I know. Just appreciate the fact that, through the magic of thousands of artificial ingredients, it's somehow spicy, cooling, mouth-watering, and powdery all at the same time.
2. It's the rare sequel that's actually better.
Like The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather: Part 2, and Enrique Iglesias, Cool Ranch Doritos are superior to their predecessor. That's something that rarely happens in our cookie-cutter, same-old-same-old society, so I consider it something to celebrate.
3. The bag is better.
It's a totally unscientific fact: Shiny blue is more noticeable, more unique, and more full of the chill promise of awesome Dorito taste than typical old shiny "eat me!" red. When Cool Ranch catches your eye as you're grooving down the aisle at Whole Foods — er, a normal supermarket that might actually sell Doritos — you know the bag is doing its job.
4. The name really has nothing to do with the taste.
What does "Cool Ranch" even mean? According to Wikipedia, ranch dressing is made of "some combination of buttermilk, salt, garlic, onion, herbs (commonly chives, parsley, and dill), and spices (commonly black pepper, paprika, and ground mustard seed)." Is that what my favorite Doritos taste like? Maybe? All I know is that, when I do formal tastings, I routinely get hints of "awesome."
5. You're not basic.
Choosing original, Nacho Cheese-flavored Doritos for your Super Bowl party is like drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte while taking a bathroom-mirror selfie. Don't do it.
Make your own: Yes, You Can Make Your Own Cool Ranch Doritos
Do you agree or disagree? Discuss in the comments!