Great topic. My top pet peeve may not fall under the category of table manners, but hosts who have rude dogs really ruin it for us. Otherwise, I'd say, do not start an argument (too many of my relatives do this seemingly for fun), pay attention to what you say and realize that personal jabs or comments on people's dress style are not "jokes". I see so many people with no clue that they're being boorish these days, it's amazing.

I totally agree about no cell phones at the table- especially when it's a table full of grown up who should all know better. Other than that, table etiquette is designed to be considerate of the other sat the table, so I think as long as people feel comfortable and are having a good time, things should be pretty flexible.

Too many people stop talking once the food arrives. I hate it when people can't pause long enough between bites to continue the conversation.

The worst part is that since they're not doing anything obviously rude (like chewing with their mouth open), they don't realize that hey, suddenly becoming antisocial is rude.

I think it's important to wait to take your first bite until your host begins eating. Unless of course they invite you to begin without them. I think it's a nice curtesy to be patient. Good posture and no cell phones is also important. So which way to pass the rolls? Pass left or pass right?

My pet peeve is my aunt's dog. She brings that yappy little thing EVERYWHERE, and treats it like a child. So when holidays roll around and we all gather at Grandma's for a meal, there is always that dog yapping it's head off in the next room. She just smiles and talks to it about "quieting down" like you would to a person. Makes me want to smack the crap out of both of them.

Other than that - passive aggressive jabs at family members really gets me. My family are pros at it, unfortunately.

Keep your mouth closed when you chew!!!! I want to smack people when I see them chomping away. And then I want to smack their parents for not teaching them this simple thing growing up. How hard is it????

People who wolf down food drive me a little nuts, but the worst offenders are a subset: the fast eater who is antsy to leave the table once they've finished eating.

Even if there are still people eating their food at a normal pace, they fidget and clearly want to get up. Sigh, ohhh, holidays with the extended family, here we come.

Let people finish their sentences! There is no prize for most words spoken at a meal. It's even worse when they do this to talk about a totally different topic.

Oooooh Emmi, I agree about the dogs! People need to keep in mind that no one else thinks your dog is as adorable as you do and might not enjoy being jumped on or licked. Especially for dressy occasions when I might be wearing a skirt with tights, I don't particularly appreciate having my hose run by your pup's claws!

I was taught to wait until everyone had their food (or drink) before digging in - and I still do this today, whether at home or in a restaurant. Sadly, it's a lesson not everyone seemed to learn!

@DanielleM: Yes! I'll at least wait until the waiter has brought out the final tray before touching my food if I've been served first.

I've been out with extended family to restaurants where grown men and women will start eating as soon as their plate is put in front of them. Rude as hell.

Ditto ditto on cell phones and waiting until everyone is served. DITTO on the dogs, and for God's sake don't feed the dog off the table! I do have a dear friend who is a dog person, and her friends are Dog People with capital letters--I know what I'm in for there. But in general, nope, your chihuahua is NOT your child and doesn't get to sit at the kiddie table even though the kids would love that. We are training them to behave in the future and that means NO FEEDING THE DOG OFF THE TABLE. Especially at Thanksgiving.

Oh am I not a dog person? No, guess not.

The one that drives me up the wall is when people have multiple conversations going on at a table. I can see having two if you have a large group at a really long table that makes one conversation hard, but when there's, say, a group of 10 or less, I think it should be kept to one conversation. This is partly because I always put myself in the middle of a table (unless the host/ess has me elsewhere) since I don't hear well, so I can hear everyone. I can speak from experience when I say that it makes it really hard for the person in the middle, because that person is often caught between two conversations and is really a part of neither.

And people should not discuss medical/bodily function/other gross subjects at the table. (Unless, of course, you're all doctors or nurses and don't get grossed out.)

it is astounding to me that there is a threa about dining etiquette on a home design blog... and, what's more, that table manners have gone the wayside so much that readers would feel that this topic is much needed.

@urbancricket: But this is the kitchen section of said blog. If recipes appear, then why not discussions of table manners?

Posture? I really don't care how people sit, but I do want them to pass the food and say "Please" and "Thank you." And to chew with their mouths closed. And not take the last of something right after I've asked for it to be passed.

Decades ago, there were rules about who you should talk to during a formal dinner, and when to stop talking to your left-hand neighbor and start talking to your right-hand neighbor. While I'm kind of glad that rule has faded away, I do think people should try to introduce general topics of conversation, so that the one or two people who don't follow a certain football team or band or political party aren't left sitting silently with no one to talk to.

Back in the days before cell phones, my parents had a rule that you couldn't talk on the phone during dinner. If the phone rang, someone would answer it (because answering machines hadn't been invented yet either), but only to explain that we were eating and someone would call the caller back. If the caller tried to extend the conversation, Dad would get up, take the phone, announce in drill-sergeant-like tones that we were eating and then hang up. Somewhat put a crush on my social life as a teenager.

@Jess13 I think we may have the exact same family. I agree with other comments - this time of year I have to choose between dressing down or getting my best outfit ruined by jumping pit bulls, I don't like either option. I like to dress nice for my family, and yeah, train your dog. It's not rocket science.

For me, chewing with your mouth closed and not using cell phones are as essential as not playing with your food.

I can't think of any table manners in particular that are violated during big family dinners. Dining with the entire family in one's home calls for laxer etiquette, unlike when dining out in public. I think everyone's civilized enough to relatively behave appropriately--which is also relative.

The only thing that would bother me (that no one in my family really does) is picking at food. Adults should not pick at their food.

I went out to dinner once with a group of adults and one of them picked at their popcorn shrimp. They picked the batter off the shrimp with their hands and left it all on the plate in the shape of a mountain. THAT is bad table manners no matter what restaurant it is!

My pet peeves are when people at the table don't wait to eat until everyone is served and when guests don't make an effort to dress up for a holiday gathering. Noone is expecting a suit and tie or a full length gown but at least make an effort to look nicer than your usual, day off, hang around the house clothes.

I really appreciate it when people at my table are curious about what others have to say. When one person hogs the conversation the energy of the group gets depleted.

I can't stand it when adults don't know how to handle their utensils properly and grip them like they're toddlers. I'm American but I learned to eat European style while in college and I find it to be much easier and more elegant. What I REALLY hate is when someone goes to cut something and they hold the fork in their left hand like it's a gardening trowel and then saw away at said food like they're a cave man, THEN switch the fork back to the right hand and grip it like it's a trowel for shoveling the food into your mouth. Sorry if I sound awful, but I just can't stand this lack of manners. I can understand if your hand mobility is limited due to arthritis or something similar, but I just wish people would try harder to be more elegant with their utensils.

The three rules I stick to and are my pet peeves when not observed:
1. No electronic devices at the table. Be present.
2. Wait until everyone has food and is ready to eat before starting.
3. At a Chinese table, on refilling tea, ALWAYS serve everyone else before serving yourself. Always.

Gudrunthered--I have to say the European style always looked more shovel-y to me. In fact, I didn't actually realize it was a legit style until you brought it up! I've traveled fairly extensively, but not to Europe--I guess at least now I won't be cursing someone's bad manners when they actually aren't!

@gudrunthered, the switching of knife between hands is the proper American way to cut one's food. I agree that the "trowel shoveling" is crass, but it's definitely not a lack of manners to switch hands and is not an issue of hand mobility.

@EebIsMe: this confuses the hell out of me. I was raised in a pretty uptight family who prided themselves on good manners. However, one night at dinner with a business client one of the men asked me if I was left-handed. I replied no, and he then asked why I cut food with the knife in my left hand. I was mortified, my company president was sitting 2 chairs down from me and heard everything.

I'd never heard of keeping the fork in your right hand to be improper, and I still don't know why that is the case.

I think its nice that we can say what we wish others would do at the table... but take a moment to think about what YOU do.

@Trish1980 - dont you think that is a little rude in itself? To think of a topic that EVERYONE will enjoy? Its a party! Let people talk and enjoy! That's actually one of my pet peeves - my "MIL" can't stand not being part of every conversation at the table, so then she ends up being the only one talking! How lame is that?! seriously - if the men want to talk sports or business go ahead! If the women want to talk politics and hair care fine! Why do we have to find ONE topic? Then you have less people enjoying themselves because not everyone likes the same things. And then people might feel left out because they don't know enough about the topic to feel involved.

Also - I happen to not enjoy being served my food. I may not like everything and having to give my order to the host seems rude. I'd rather pick and choose what I want to try and how much. Which leads to another point, as a host, dont keep food for left overs until everyone is done eating! If you made enough for everyone, serve it! How uncomfortable it is for not only your guests who now have to ask for seconds, but then you as the host have to leave the table. Why must there be etiquette among family? its family! just enjoy the company sheesh!!

Maggiemoo123 as a parent who also hates, HATES it when people chew with their mouths open (and talk with their mouth full/smack food while chewing) I will tell you it is wildly difficult to teach at least one 13 year old person I know to chew with her mouth closed. This is a daily struggle which has been ongoing for the past 11 years. Perhaps I should have started sooner. sigh. I do keep hoping and trying though...
On the plus side she does wait until we are all served, does not bring electronics to the table and more than holds her own conversationally.

This is not so much a manners thing, but a stop and smell the roses thing. We so rarely get to sit down with our extended families, all in the same room, and share that company, why not make it last?

Eat slowly, talk between bites. Engage different people sitting near you at different times. Make a point of connecting with people you dont eat with every day. Pause between courses and talk some more. Have dessert, have coffee or tea.

Do not rush to clear the table, even if you are the hostess, unless you quickly return and rejoin the celebration. Dishes are for after the last guest leaves.

Most people dont realize what a great opportunity a holiday meal is to connect with loved ones, till they have lost one. That first holiday without someone, you'll realize what you're missing.

My in-laws say a prayer before meals, so that has trained us all to wait to eat until everyone is seated!

Yes: no electronic devices in the table's vicinity, no begging dogs, mouths closed/no smacking food.

Additionally: Please don't inhale your food. Don't hunch over your plate and shovel things into your mouth.

We do a lot of casual dining/BBQs and I always appreciate when a guest offers to help clear the table or if they can help put away leftovers or wipe down the table once everyone is finished. It's not expected, but I would put it in the category of good guest manners for a casual setting.

It also irritates me when children (of appropriate age, 5 or so) have not been trained to be a polite dinner guest. A polite 5-year old doesn't necessary have to adhere to all the rules of a polite 30-year old, but there should still be manners such as please, thank you, and not griping or complaining about the food. If I'm serving something your kid doesn't like and you coddle to them, please don't put broccoli or peas or whatever on their plate. I think this reflects on the parents more than the kids, who obviously don't see anything wrong with their behavior because they haven't been taught otherwise. <I'm looking at you, my sister with the two sons who complain about everything food-related>

Ugh...scarfing food down then picking food off of your wife/husband/etc's plate. My brother in law does this and it makes me CRAZY! He will sit at a family meal, shove food in his face, eat half his wife's plate, then get up from the table while the rest of us are eating. Then he complains about being too full! Gah...hate that.

but p.s. eating off of plates? totally acceptable in our family! :)

cmcinnyc - I AM a dog person, and I also don't think people should be feeding their dogs from the table, either. It encourages bad behavior, and it's a good way to wind up with a really sick dog.

Even well-behaved dogs and kids have bad days, but it does make me nuts when owners/parents don't take responsibility for the situation. Don't ignore it, or ignore it until you can't and then over-react.

I'm also on board with no phones/gadgets, no food-inhalation, no open mouths while chewing or talking with food in your mouth; but yes to being sociable, to listening and letting others talk, and to saying please and thank you.

TSPInteriorDesign...thank you for the lovely reminder to slow down and appreciate those around me.

Once the meal is served don’t get up from the table unless everyone is finished. My sister-in-law is constantly running in and out of the kitchen during meals, even Thanksgiving dinner. “Oh I forgot to put salt on the table!” “Oh we should really have more gravy!” “Oh no, I forgot the green beans in the oven!” She will leave the table on average 5 or 6 times during a meal. Put dinner on the table, announce dinner is served, and sit down and enjoy it with your guests. We want to actually enjoy a meal and some conversation with you! Everyone has usually finished their meal before she finally settles in to start hers.

There is nothing wrong with switching hands for utensils... Also, I grew up with European parents and spent half my life in Europe and still have no idea what European manners are. unless you count my uptight German grandparents who can't stand flip-flops or sneakers at the dining table...

As far as my pet peeves? Chewing with your mouth open and talking with your mouth full. No cell phones/books at the table. And no making the dishes screech from sawing your meat! (Though perhaps this is a problem with the meat?)

I think this is a great post and maybe long over due! I agree that texting or checking your cell phone at the dinner table (especially a family/holiday dinner!) is about the rudest thing ever. My husband once blatantly checked a text message while his father was trying to tell a story to him, and I was honestly ashamed of his rudeness!

The other thing that I feel is getting lost these days is simply asking "Could you please pass the ______?". I made pancakes for some friends who'd stayed overnight and since there were several of us we ate and the long diningroom table. One guy (mid-20s) actually got up and walked over to my end to grab the syrup. I said, "Ya know, I would have happily passed that to you if you asked." and he felt kind of silly after that and said "Oh yeah, I guess I forgot about that!" He probably hadn't eaten at a real dinner table for years!

It's kind of sad, but I think amongst my friends (upper-20s to mid-30s) I probably have the best table manners. Silverware set incorrectly is a pet peeve and I re-taught my little brothers-in-laws. A female friend of mine still thinks its hysterical to belch as loud as she can, but at least now she knows not to do it around me! My buddies have teased me about my "proper manners" but I don't mind. I guess I just have my military father to thank for the strict table rules growing up. :)

european here.

a word on European etiquette:
proper way of using your utensils is the fork in the left hand, fingers in the direction of the prongs. Knife in the right hand, same. You never grab utensils like a stick. You never switch hands.
Only meat and maybe french fries are poked, everything else you slide on the fork with the knife. If you are really precise, peas are placed on the back side of the prongs.

For European aesthetics the "American Way" of cutting, dropping the knife, and switching forks, appears really rude and improper, because this leads to the left hand being dropped in your lap, under the table.

Etiquette almost always comes from rougher times when men carried swords around. And dining was meant to be a respectful, peaceful place.

This is why hands should always be kept above the table, so that they can be seen (on the other hand you should never place your elbows on the same). If you drop your hand in your lap, under the table, you could be up to mischief.

Personally, I actually find the entire "western" system of knives and forks at the table a bit barbaric if I think about it. I find the Asian way of banning all sharp instruments to the kitchen, where everything is prepared in bite size, and chop sticks are used at the table much more refined.

As for the talk. Well. This, as so many things, is cultural. Americans get really nervous if noone talks. If you go to more traditional European protestand homes, it is common to NOT talk at the table. Same goes for many Asian countries: it would be extremely rude to talk at the table.

My family came from Mexico and the first job my great grandmother had was as a nanny for the children of a very proper Swedish architect. There she learned formal table settings, European table manners and made sure that our family also learned these skills. I plan to continue teaching these skills to my children someday too.

With that being said, when I met my now husband, I was apalled at his lack of table manners. The first time I ate steak with him, I noticed he stabbed his steak with his fork and began sawing with his knife, elbows flailing every which way, then he placed his knife on the table and switched hands to eat the slice. ARGH! It was difficult not to say anything. As we grew closer, I gently introduced a more comfortable, more effective way at cutting steak. He was so thankful! Recently we visited his family and he pointed out provately to me that everyone was doing the elbow flailing thing and it bothered him just as much.

Makes me wonder why people don't teach their children proper table manners in this day and age. Have we really become such a casual society that these skills are no longer considered important?

ok... here's how it went at my house and I think I will ask the same. NO ELBOWS ON THE TABLE! Chew with your mouth closed, don't talk with your mouth full of food. one hand in your lap unless engaged with a knife to assist in eating. Let others talk, don't interrupt... what else. Ask for things to be passed, don't reach. "May I please..." oh and a biggie... "take a pat (of butter) and pass it on." Also don't eat until everyone is served. it's surprising how most people were apparently raised by wolves and find these manner too much to handle...
my husband and I are always "arguing" about what hand the fork goes in...

I almost lost it last Thanksgiving when my uncle's girlfriend decided to help herself to dessert while the table was still being cleared from dinner. She actually cut into the pie! Obviously wasn't pitching in with the rest of the family washing dishes. Another reason to despise her...

@oneformybaby: Nope.

@Trish1980 Why don't you start your own conversation, with the person seated next to/opposite you? In my experience, even with smaller groups, there are usually multiple (more than 2) conversations going on around the table. Having said that, I do find it rude when people talk loudly and dominate the conversation, usually when they have had too much to drink. Nearly as bad as barking into their phone at the table.

When we really, really want to catch up with the lives of our dinner guests, we never invite more than two couples: we've found that six people is the limit for a solitary conversation. With eight people or more, there are always at least two conversations. The number of conversations is fine - it's more that after guests have departed, we need to have a debriefing while cleaning up in the kitchen, such as "So... what did X have to say about the new house? And where are the Ys going this year? Did Z really say she was a Republican!?" With six people, and here we use a 54-inch diameter table which keeps everyone focused, the conversation tends to be lively and rarely dominated by one individual.

My biggest complaint, more than minor breaches of etiquette, is with the person who clearly has had too much to drink and insists on drinking more. I'll sometimes rely on their spouse to handle the drinking, and at other times simply introduce the concept known as "Coffee?"

Ooohhh the chewing with the mouth open...I have a friend that does this and it's REALLY hard to eat dinner with her.

I have an enormous family that has to eat holiday dinners over multiple tables. It's a very loud, crazy buffet style event with few to no rules. Even the 'no electronics' one, because usually someone's missing the event due to school or other family obligations and we're communicating with them via texts (which the rest of the family are kept abreast of). We do throw a lot of rules out the window, but we DON'T saw at our food, we use napkins, ask sort of nicely to pass the _, and your hear conversation, not chewing, at our table(s).

@ makanimike: Appreciate the lesson in European manners. I am familiar with them & excercise them appropriately when required (to the best of my, um... limited ability). However, familiarity does not equal understanding.

Please do tell...what, exactly, does the right hand with the knife 'do' when the knife is not being utilized? How does one manage to get peas to stay put on the back of the prongs long enough to reach one's mouth? (isn't this utensil curved for a reason?) And finally, trust me when I say you do not want to witness this right-handed person try to manage a fork with the left hand :)

Even assuming manners are taught at a [very] young age, I can't imagine trying to encourage a right-handed toddler to handle a fork with his left hand. (yet, clearly it is done & quite successfully).

Not being facetious here. Truly. I've never known anyone well-versed in European manners well enough to ask. Inquiring minds want to know.

Thanks.

Mine are when people sit down and the first thing they do is mess up their cutlery. I set it the proper way learn to use the correct utensil. Not waiting until everyone is served is just rude, no cell phones turn them off. Men take your hats off, and put on a proper shirt, it doesn't have to be a dress shirt but I really don't want to look at chest hair and armpits.
Please and thank you and don't make comments about the food just pass it on if you don't like what is being served there is not need to gag or make a face if you don't like brussel sprouts.
Be sure to wait until everyone is done before making a move to leave the table and be sure to thank the hostess and host.
I am a server and I see the worst of manners and it is not only the kids adults are getting bad as well.

Hmm. I grew up in a boisterous Korean household, and we had different eating rules of our own. But assuming we're not talking about loud, raucous family affairs, then my manner musts (particularly when eating out) are, in no particular order:

- Eat with your mouth closed.

- Do NOT make loud, gratuitous complaints about food! I fall in the 20-something cohort, and I am baffled when my peers take one bite then fill up the table conversation about how dry their meat is, or how flavorless, or salty, or something, their food is. I am all for having an opinion and a palate, but loud complaints (1) suggest you have nothing better to talk about; and (2) are not constructive or thoughtful comments. At one group brunch, every person at my table seemed to be eager to complain about her food, while she was eating it, that I finally gave up trying to talk about other topics and sat in silence, eating. When someone asked me how my food was, I had to say, "Well...I actually am enjoying my food...or trying to."

- Make conversation. It doesn't have to be chipper, or proper, or politically correct. But say SOMETHING. I have some friends who sit in silence, looking as if they were in pain. When you ask how they're doing, they look startled, mutter a "Me? Oh, I'm fine," then continue poking at their food. How this constitutes good company is a mystery to me.

- Don't stare at my food. Please. It weirds me out when you dissect it with your eyes as if it were a lab specimen.

I live in the US and I also dislike watching people switch utensils esp when the person looks like they are stabbing the steak as if it will jump of the plate. I was born and raised in England and I am also left-handed. I was taught to use the knife in my left hand and fork in the right and to put food onto the back of the prongs.. even peas... It is very easy. I have also taught my kids to hold their cutlery in the same hands as myself even though they are right-handed.. I think this make sense as the fork is in the right hand and doesn't have to be switched like traditional "American" style.

Wow! People are really finicky! Or maybe I'm super casual... Who knows? House rules: Eat the food, don't play with it. Use a knife. Pass things when asked. Don't argue. Other than this, we have no others. Our thought is that you're with people you love, so enjoy them.

@discerning:
You use the right hand with the knife to move side dishes onto the fork. While you lift the fork to your mouth it just rests in a neutral position hovering above the table pretty much. Or you could rest it on the table, but then I'd say do not have knife stick up vertically from the table. With practice imho fork in the left and knife in the right is the most comfortable set up for right handed people. The right hand has more power and control for the cutting of meat, while the left hand has a relatively passive pattern of movement.

As for the peas: this takes some practice, and it is much easier on classical design forks, which have much longer prongs and at a smaller angle. But I think this is only necessary in super formal environments. Say a dinner with royalty, or some official event in an upper class environment nowadays.

I think in our globalised world it is becoming difficult (impossible) to accommodate all cultures. Switching fork from one hand to another or not, talking or not. Breaking bread or biting. Saying grace or not. Having your own plate noone else touches or having everything available in the middle of the table and everyone just loading whatever they want onto their personal plate. Using your hands or not, and if yes, deciding for what dishes that is allowed and for which it isn't. Finishing your plate, or leaving a little something over.

It's a minefield nowadays.

to simply be present :-) as a person. I think that embodies every good manner within.

Wow, I can't believe the uptightness of the whole "European utensil method" thing. What is a fork for if not to stab your food? That is what it was obviously designed to do. I mean, you don't want to be too vigorous about it and be shoving your food off the plate, but come on. And as for the switching hands thing, I find it extremely hard to cut with any grace with my left hand. Maybe if I'd been taught to do it from day one it wouldn't be a big deal, but why is it such a big deal to anyone else which hand is more comfortable for me to use?

@makanimike, why would your hand go under the table just because you switch silverware from one hand to another? Mine never does, I don't understand how that would even happen. And citing ancient customs based on people bringing weapons to the dinner table is not a great argument.

I think good manners involves having the grace to make everyone feel comfortable and have a good time. Addressing people's behavior that may disrupt the the rest of the table could be appropriate, but getting bent out of shape about something nitpicky like what hand someone else's silverware is in or where the silverware was placed or anything like that is just silly. It's your problem for being bothered, not theirs.

Yeah, I thought you were supposed to keep your hands in your lap if you weren't actively forking food into your mouth. Maybe our school taught is some weird southern custom?

*us... Sorry! I need coffee!

I had the opportunity to go on a student tour of several countries in Europe when I was just out of high school, and brought home the European habit of not changing hands when cutting as I found it easier to manage than the switch-hands method I grew up with. I did get heck for putting peas on the back of my fork, though, and don't use my knife to put food on my fork as it seems a bit too close to using one's thumb (which my husband does and is the one 'bad' manner he has that I am uncomfortable with).

Jeepyj, YES YES YES! I can't stand it when men/boys don't take off their hats when they come indoors!

You aren't supposed to put hands in your laps b/c of the whole weapons thing. Americans view knives as only for cutting food while I think the general rule for Europeans is the knife also helps in the transport of food. If I'm going to really picky for Thai food you never eat off the fork, you use a spoon and the fork to push the food to the spoon and you use chopsticks for noodle dishes only.

Personally I don't care how you use your silverware as long as you use it where appropriate.

I can't stand chewing with mouth open, not waiting for everyone to have food on their plate before eating and leaving the table before dinner is done.

I also like everyone to be included in a conversation of some sort but it doesn't have to be a table wide conversation. And I'm perfectly find with silence and usually take it to mean the food is good and people are hungry. Usually conversation then picks up over dessert and coffee.

Fortunately I've never had to put up with the dog issue.

How interesting about European etiquette and thanks to makanimike for the information. I have to wonder what a European or etiquette-bound family would think of what I've seen at holiday dinners - kids running around screaming, throwing food (this was not our family by the way) or (yes, our family) dogs jumping all over people and putting their mouth on everything including hands, legs and plates. I'd love to see what a "proper" European family does with these lovely elements.

I am ambidexterous and depending on what week or even month / year it is I find myself favoring left or right handed more. I hope I have never offended anyone with my habits, plus I was a vegetarian for 20 years and I'm just learning to slice meat. I honestly can't imagine being in a setting where I'd upset someone by having my fork in the wrong hand. We are much more casual than that. No one ever eats with their mouth open though, or uses the cell phone. That is more like blatant rudeness.

We've not had a holiday with our family for 2 years partly because of what I mentioned, by the way. Sad but true, it would be nice if there were an easy way to bring up the subject.

@phoebeart:
in the "rules" *I* described (continental european) the fork is in the LEFT hand, the knife in the RIGHT.
Somebody else here mentioned that in the UK it was vice versa. I would honestly be rather surprised and am a bit hesitant about this statement, but do not know for sure.

The argument about that it comes from older times when weapons were common is fact :)
That is also where we have our handshakes from (showing your opposite that you are not holding a weapon in your right hand - since most people are right handed), and where the military has their saluting from (pulling down the face guard of your armor).

But as I said before: personally, when I REALLY think about it, I find the entire idea of knife and fork at the table very barbaric, and the asian way of preferring chopsticks and spoons much more (since they are not "weapons").

As I have observed and have been told by some Americans, and as has also been said here a few posts ago, the dropping of the left hand in the lap, under the table, is apparently the rule in the US.

But to make it clear, since apparently some people misread my between the lines message: I am very relaxed about table manners. Especially if in family and friendly settings. Chewing with your mouth closed and swallowing before speaking is perhaps the single golden rule I have. :)

I have one friend that will floss her teeth after she is finished...at the table...even at restaurants. And another who will wipe her nose vigorously at the table after a meal...both hands in the nostrils. With those obvious no-no’s listed, I agree with eating with your mouth closed, no electronics, and waiting until everyone is served.

Ah... manners. Is there any other subject that combines such contentiousness with utter ridiculousness?

I mean, really, criticizing the American style of cutting food and switching hands because of customs relating to weaponry? Personally, I eat in the European style because I find it easier, but why should I care how others eat?

@Makanimike Interestingly, a lot of Americans would consider eating asian style to be barbaric. At least in Chinese cuisine many meat dishes are served on the bone and you either have to gnaw on the bone or put it into your mouth, eat the meat and spit out the bone.

Part of this ticks me off.

Perhaps I'm a bit too on the obnoxiously-liberal-about-everything-and-screw-censorship side, but some of these "rules" are absurd. While I consider myself to be well versed in manners, I find most of what you all have posted in your comments to be atrocious. I'm a proponent of chewing with your mouth closed, ensuring your conversation is warm and friendly, passing items, and saying "please" and "thank you" to show consideration. Beyond that, though, a lot of this is absurd.

No one should care how a person cuts his or her steak or if a man removes his hat before sitting. It makes NO DIFFERENCE. These are rules based on ZERO concrete reasoning, except because it "looks" nice. Something about it all feels so counter-progressive. (Like how saying a man should open a door for a woman. In actuality, a person should open a door for any other person without regard to gender, because it's just a nice thing to do.)

Yes, there are manners. Then there are ridiculous and stifling social constructs that are followed without any sound merit or reasoning.

Whether you choose Euro or American, stick with one style throughout the meal. I also think it depends on the predominant culture of the people you're dining with. The key is to not do anything at the table to distract people from the food & conversation. Besides what others have stated, its rude to not offer to help with clean-up. The host/ hostess should not have to cook AND clean.

be friendly.
contribute to the conversation.
appreciate the meal.
help clear the table and/or do the dishes.
offer to help with dessert/coffee/apertif.

Yikes, I don't know that I'd want to eat dinner with many people here! I personally want everyone to be welcome at my table. Especially on the holidays I'm dining with family, people I know and care about. If they want to get up and leave the table early, or hold their spoon like a trowel, or rest their elbows on the table, that's ok by me. I'm just happy to share the day with them. I do believe in teaching my son to be polite and say please/thanks, be respectful when someone else is talking, offer to clean up, etc but I don't usually take it personally when a guest doesn't do those things. Maybe it's because I, for the most part, like my family members? I suppose if I couldn't stand someone, every little thing they did would get on my nerves.

Absolutely no cell phones at the table. Say please pass... if you need something, don't reach. Don't chew with your mouth open or talk with food in your mouth. No animals at the table or even in the room with the table if that can be helped. I don't even like animals in the kitchen. And for God's sake, don't sing or whistle or hum at the table. (This is one about which I have to constantly remind my eight year old son. I hope it sticks soon.) And keep your feet off the chair. And, and, and.

I think table manners are so important, even if you are just having a casual dinner with friends or your family. I was always raised that if you don't have good table manners, people will not invite you over to their homes. I think that's so true. There are people that I haven't invited over after one meal with them because eating with them was so unbearable. I might be old fashioned, but I think we could do with a bit more old fashioned good manners in this world.

All this discussion of proper use of forks and knives reminds me of an old poem: "I eat my peas with honey; I've done it all my life. To you it may sound funny But they don't fall off my knife!"

I know it has been said multiple times but I have to second (or hundredth?) the cell phone comment. As a member of the demographic that is the worst offender of this (20-somethings glued to their technology), I was shocked when my friend pulled out his phone in the middle of dinner in a swanky restaurant the other night and proceeded to write a non-urgent email while we waited for food. Really? When I confront my friends about this issue, I'm met with joking hostility: "Who cares?"
It's a respect issue! Not just respect for your friends at the table but the other diners who are enjoying the atmosphere and don't want to be distracted from their own conversations by a bright cell phone screen across the restaurant. Hmph! That's all I've got to say about that!

Something that really annoys me is when there are 8 items on a plate (ie. 8 pieces of meat or 8 canapes) at the table and someone takes more than their fair share of food without asking (ie. taking 3 pieces when there are 4 people at the table). Even though I am a small eater and only take 1 piece, I feel like the person wanting "my" piece should ask for it! Often, my boyfriend, who is a bigger eater wants it too and is too polite to say anything if someone takes more than their share. As a result he often leaves dinner parties hungry. He'd be willing to share the last piece with someone!!

@tpup My dad repeated this rhyme my whole life, but for years I have been trying to remember the whole thing. Up until now, I could only remember the first sentence. I'm so glad you wrote it here because now I remember the rest!

:)

Dining is a *cultural* experience. What's pretentious to one might be the standard for another. Personally, I enjoy them all and I can *choose* not to be offended at others' opinions & habits. I pray everyone has a wonderful holiday season and you choose not to allow those without proper manners to steal your joy!

Oh...

@ makanimike: Thank you, for so graciously answering my questions. And for the history lesson reminder *chuckle* Don't think I'll ever again politely rest one hand in my lap without recalling this discussion ;)

Lets see... really my only pet peeves are people that make up too many rules that makes everybody else feel uncomfortable and ruins an otherwise wonderful evening. Some people here have really specific rules... as far as i'm concerned just don't be an ass and insult people, DEFINITELY never insult the food, and don't feed the hosts dog unless you ask first. I've had to take one of my dogs to the emergency vet once because he got horribly sick from all the food someone was sneaking him.

btw @gudrunthered, i've heard the sawing meat argument several times now but for the life of me I can't figure out anyother way to cut meat, and believe me, I've asked around. Nobody knows how. I probably need to go research it further, but whatever the case, its not like people are purposaly trying to eat barbarically.

Just be mindful of others and remember that the fact that you would do something at the table at home without anyone contesting it doesn't mean the same standards are valid everywhere.

This means don't gross anyone out (speaking with your mouth full, chew loudly, etc.), don't be rude (let the hostess serve as planned without taking over, be polite, etc.) and don't be disruptive (use of cell phone, taking over the conversation, etc.).

I don't mind in which hand people hold their forks and knives or whether they put their hands in their laps. Even elbows on tables aren't a problem for me. Just don't bother others with your way of eating. I do use most of the European table etiquette and I do often judge people for not having the proper table manners, I just don't mention it and I draw my own conclusions.

I don't expect guests to do the dishes but I happily accept help when offered.

It is okay to have several conversations going on as long as nobody is excluded and nobody takes control of conversation, and naturally, I expect people to leave certain topics at the door. If someone clearly seems bored or uncomfortable, I ask that person a question about something I know they care for and gently steer the conversation in a direction that helps include everyone.

In my mind, a friendly dinner is supposed to be informal and relaxed, so anything goes as long as everybody is mindful of others and doesn't assume that we all have the same standards.

If someone does something that is totally wrong, I mention it to them at another time and instead of giving them a hard time about it, I ask them to please do it different next time. If that doesn't work, I just don't invite them next time or only invite them in a setting that doesn't give them a chance to repeat the faulty behaviour.

To me, it all comes down to respect, for the host and for the other guests. As long as everyone present keeps that in mind, things usually work out fine.

I don't think this one has been mentioned yet, but it drives me crazy. My brother-in-law leans over his plate and shovels it in his face.... it looks like an animal with a trough. In my mind, you should sit up straight and bring the food to your mouth. I had to break my husband of this miserable habit, but I have no power over my brother-in-law, sadly.

I feel sorry for those folks whose culture or family have made them so obsessed with the proper use of cutlery that someone switching their fork between hands makes them physically ill. I suggest to those folks that they open their hearts and perhaps get some therapy: You only hurt yourself by being so intolerant.

Also, we let the animals come and eat with us (sort of). We don't feed them directly from the table, but the cat always liked to be in the same room as everyone when we all came home for holidays. He wouldn't beg or bother anybody, so he had a seat at (or under) the table. Same thing with my cat now - she sits in a chair at the table when my boyfriend and I eat and she knows not to beg (or at least she's getting better at it!). Pets are part of the family and as long as they're well-behaved I think they have a place at the feast!

I grew up in a Chinese-American family so our table manners are somewhat different from the ones here. I agree with @ Slow Lorus about serving tea to others before you serve yourself. Also you should offer to serve the guests in order of their age and use the serving utensils in order to serve from the main dishes. Always only season your own private plate (and as discreetly as possible) I'll never forget the scene in the movie Joy Luck Club where the boyfriend of one of the characters pours soy sauce over an entire cooked fish! (the horror!)

With regard to chopsticks you NEVER use them to spear your food and NEVER stick them straight up in your rice bowl when not using them. My father is left-handed but was taught to use his chopsticks in his right hand because it makes it easier when sitting at a round table.

Eating crab or lobster with your hands or gnawing on bones and (politely) spitting them out is completely acceptable even during very formal occasions. BUT you should not lick your fingers afterwards, instead you should wash your fingers gingerly in tea bowl provided.

Also placing your hand in your lap is considered bad manners in my family. I'm not sure if this is true for all Chinese families. I was taught this is because your left hand could be up to no good if it was hidden from sight. (in my family this usually meant you were pinching or hitting your siblings at the table)

I am with you on the "no cell phones at the table" rule. I think it's incredibly rude. Not to mention sad that we can't separate ourselves for 30-60 minutes from these silly phones to be engaged in our loved ones.

Other than that, NO SMACKING! Ew.