Have you ever been in a situation where you don't know the social rules and have made a major error so off-the-mark that you want to just crawl under the table and disappear? Or maybe you've had someone come into your life who has no idea how to behave and you find yourself judging and distancing from them, even if you don't want to? Please and thank you, bows and handshakes, who goes first, cellphones at the dinner table: does proper etiquette really matter?
Etiquette shows up everywhere: four-way stops, what clothing we wear, how we meet and greet each other, how we design our homes and public places. There is a lot of etiquette in churches and temples and religious rituals. And a surprising amount of etiquette is food related: eating and drinking, being a guest or host, setting the table, asking for more. Perhaps this harkens back to times when food was scarce and we had to create rules to be sure everyone was fed. Or it could be because food is so central to our identities and etiquette helps to expresses this. Or maybe it just grew out of necessity around food safety and cleanliness.
Proper etiquette is tricky as it is often highlights our position in society, or the in workplace, or even our own homes. At its best, etiquette has the capacity to invoke thoughtfulness and hospitality, a gentle set of guidelines to help us navigate the situations and places that we share with our fellow human beings. At the same time, it's easy to use etiquette to distance ourselves from others. An overuse of formality can be about separation, creating feelings of confusion and shame.
When people don't know the social rules in a situation, they're declaring that their strangers, that they're not one of us. How we respond to that, both as the us and not-us, is critical. If we choose separation, then we have chosen narrowness and suffering. If we choose kindness, then we have chosen connection and respect and opened the world around us. Which way do you choose to live?
As with most important things in life, etiquette offers two distinct possibilities: it's a place where you can get caught and suffer or it's a place where you can express ease and kindness. The choice is ours and it's quite simple, in my view. First, always do your best to follow and be aware of the etiquette of your situation. If you're unsure, ask to be taught. Take for granted that there is probably something you're doing wrong and be humble and learn to cultivate curiosity (and humor) in the midst of mistakes. Likewise, if you see someone floundering, help them. Assume that what seems to be rudeness is only simple ignorance. Don't cling so tightly to proper etiquette that you lose your humanity and the capacity to laugh. Be generous with people.
Either way, try being kind and see what happens.
Related: Weekend Meditation: On Formality
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It's funny, I have always considered good manners to be a matter of making others comfortable. It's something that should never be used to put ourselves above someone else or to show off. I see it used both ways however. I think more than the "actions" of the manners, it's the intention of them that really matter.
Thanks for this Dana. Another chance to look at what I am doing, and why I do it. HUGS
Daigan, I was going to say something EXACTLY like this! If you were raised with good manners, and then look down on others, or worse, make them feel bad about their lack of knowledge, you are practicing bad etiquette.
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You know, it's funny...I think the most frequent display of etiquette I've seen is people almost getting into a tiff about who's going to hold the door open for everyone at Barnes & Noble. Must be the combination of books and the smell of coffee.
I'd be happy if people just learned to chew with their mouths shut.
Amen to that, May!!
oh, perfect timing! i'm 37, and still can't set a table. forks on the left, knife on the right, forks on the left, knife on the right...
I totally agree, May! That would be tops on my list. And no talking with food in your mouth, people!
No cell phones, definitely.
I don't mind if someone uses the wrong fork or glass, but it's nice to have a pleasant meal where things are calm, children above high chair age have basic manners, and no one complains about the food or drink.
I was at a funeral Mass and heard a cell phone go off. My initial thought was that whoever the phone belonged to must have been mortified at not turning it off, but then I heard someone say "hello" and begin a conversation. It was the man sitting directly behind me, and he continued the conversation even as he got in line for communion. No embarrassment or apology whatsoever. Stunning to say the least.
I'm always a little surprised by the suspicion with which etiquette (or its perceived rules) are greeted by some. Maybe it's because I'm fairly rule-governed and a bit shy, but I tend to find situations with clearly defined expectations less anxiety-provoking than looser arrangements. For example, I'm grateful for instructions as to dress (black tie, business casual, and so on) on invitations.
In one sense, etiquette can be very democratic in that if you take the trouble to understand the rules of a situation (behavior at funerals, good table manners, appropriate attire) you can fit in no matter what your background.
Since I essentially agree with pollyannashandbook, I'm going to propose that what puts grit in people's diapers is thinking of etiquette as "rules." I think more along the lines of "social expectations." I like knowing what other people expect of me in a given situation. (I skipped a dim sum restaurant today because I had no idea what was going on and found the prospect too stressful to be compatible with peaceful digestion.)
If we know what's expected, it's much less confusing. And one can always choose to violate expectations if one wants -- which is always more fun when done on purpose than accidentally.
A very basic bit of manners that I think goes farther than anything is just saying thank you! It's amazing how many people I've known who don't think it's necessary. I worked with someone back in the day who never thanked the co-workers who helped her with her work, even when she was told to by her supervisors. That helped tip the scales toward her getting fired down the road.
amen to the chewing with mouth closed and saying thank you.
i also wish men would take off their hats in restaurants. maybe i'm old-fashioned but all those baseball hats annoy the crap out of me.
and if parents taught their children to use their fork and knife SIMULTANEOUSLY, it'd be a classier world.
I completely agree with making others feel comfortable being the most important part.
I don't think etiquette should ever be a reason to not take partake in something. You will never learn if you don't try and small things like knowing how to serve from a shared dish or serve tea (like in Dim sum) are trivial and can be overlooked if you at least appear pleasant, jovial and genuinely happy to share the company you are with.
@ remedialeating: here's the easy way to remember how to set a table.
First, put the plate in the middle, then count your letters. Knife and spoon have five letters, as does right...their location relative to the plate. Fork has four letters. So does Left...where they belong.
Second, remember BMW. Your Bread plate is on the left, your Meal in the middle, your Water glass to the right...when facing the table, it spells out BMW. Bread, Meal, Water.
Those two tricks will manage about 95% of social table settings. For more formal and complicated affairs, I recommend borrowing Miss Manners from the library and photocopying the table setting page. Study before heading out the door for a big to-do and if in doubt, work from the outside in.
Just a silly perspective for a bit of fun -- there was a throwaway gag on the old show WKRP IN CINCINNATI once, where DJ Johnny Fever once was handling the call-in advice show. He had one caller who was absolutely panicked about not ever being able to remember proper dining etiquette -- which fork should she use first? And what if she made a mistake and what would people think of her? But so many forks, how could she keep from getting confused?...
After suggesting a couple of things and unsuccessfully trying to calm her down, a frustrated Fever finally told her, "You know what, I give up -- throw the napkin over your head to hide under it and then eat with your hands!"
@eilonwy,
Being Chinese, I found your comment about feeling uncomfortable with dim sum to be funny at first, but then I realized how many unwritten rules there are about the sharing of dishes, the pouring of tea, etc. It's all about your cultural context -- if there's no one to teach you (I'm still working on my fork and knife skills), it's pretty difficult to pick up.
@Lizliterarius, you can also use your hands to tell you where the bread and the drink go. Make the OK (or A**hole, in ASL, if I'm recalling Mr. Holland's Opus correctly) sign with both hands. One of them looks like the letter "d" and the other looks like the letter "b". "B" is for bread and "d" is for drink!
By the way, 4-way stops aren't etiquette: there are laws governing how they go. Know them. It helps prevent confusion.
The family of a good friend used to have me over for dinner once a week, on Wednesdays. Because of my tiny house and lack of a dining table, I could not have them over to my house in return, but I would always try to contribute something to the meal, whether it was a dish or dessert or showing up early to help prepare (whatever the hostess asked me to do that week). Sometimes I purchased and prepared the entire meal.
We would occasionally exchange gifts for birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays. One evening, the topic of thank-you notes came up, and my friend's mother commented that they had never received a thank-you note from me. I responded that I was brought up with the understanding that if you open a gift in front of the giver, a thank-you note is not necessary. She ceased inviting me back for weekly family dinners.
@Lizlateralus - thanks for the BMW trick! Fork / 4 letters and knife / 5 letters is the only way I've ever been able to remember where the utensils go, so I'm hoping BMW will stick to the wall too!
Sorry I just misspelled your name, Lizliterarius
Couldn't care less...I mispell it too! Made up names do that!
i work at a residential lodge for youth recovering from drug & alcohol addictions. We practice a consistent set of manners at our dining table, and its amazing how quickly the youth grasp that this gives them respect and a safe place for enjoyable and intellectual conversation.
Last week we ran a session on formal manners & etiquette as a means of simply having more skills to interact with the world - more skills equal more opportunity. We went to a thrift shop for ties, used new bedsheets as white linen on the tables, and served a 5-course meal. They RAVED about it all week, and are clamouring for the next 'formal night'! They responded that they felt special, empowered, and confident with taking on 'classier' aspects of society.
Just goes to show that graciousness, hospitality, manners, and etiquette will never get old.
Interesting comment, brighteyes, and it got me thinking that it's important to teach your children so-called "formal manners" so that they'll feel more confident in different social settings. You may never dream of using seafood forks at home, but your kids should know what they are and how to use them, so that they'll feel comfortable when they have to.
That being said, doing your best to be friendly and gracious will cover small social gaffes. I just spent a week in Provence and realized near the end of a French cocktail party that I was the only one there who was offering a hand to shake when I met new people. It was fine, though, and everybody was very patient with the clueless American. :)