Weekend Meditation: Lingering

I want to start to take my time with the things I really love, to linger more. I want to stay longer at the dinner table, spinning stories with my friends, feeling the gravitational force of our friendship pull us in closer until the candles sputter out and all the wine bottles are empty. And then maybe we'll move on to coffee and the next story and linger a little longer.

Confession: I'm starting to get cross when people answer the question "How are you?" with "I'm so incredibly busy!" Deeper confession: I'm most irritated with that answer when it comes from me. Lately I've been asking myself why it is that I'm so busy. I've been noticing the ways that I'm defined by this busyness, that perhaps a sense of self-importance is linked to it. Who am I when I'm not running about, always a little behind and anxious?

Of course we're all busy for many good reasons and I'm not suggesting that our obligations, tasks, errands, responsibilities and passions aren't really important, necessary even. But maybe it's time to take a closer look at this almost compulsive busyness many of us feel and ask what is going on here. Maybe it's time to slow down a little and try for less doing and more being.

Here's a place you can start: next time you have people over for dinner, don't be in such a hurry to leave the table. Keep the candles lit, the lights dim and allow the glow to draw you in. You can encourage lingering by serving small courses of little bites and sips after the main meal is cleared. Start with a small sweet, something uncomplicated like a bar of high quality chocolate broken up with some candied orange peel, and a glass of grappa. Follow that with coffee and a little cookie. After a bit, bring out the nice brandy and a bowl of tangerines and some nuts to crack. Simple, unfussy food that encourages everyone to stay put. (The grappa, it's been my experience, will encourage the stories.)

It's occurred to me how heretical it is to post this on the weekend before Thanksgiving, just as we are gearing up for the busiest time of the year. But perhaps this is also a good time to question our busy schedules, and sort out what's most important. Spending time with people I love or enjoy or are inspired by is at the top of my list. So is being able to sink into a good book or take long, meandering walks or spending the whole day in my kitchen, the music cranked high and every burner in use. What's on the top of your list and how often do you do it? Is there time for lingering in your life? Or are you just too busy?

(Image: Dana Velden)

Comments (8)

I find myself asking the same questions Dana. Along with "Who is it that is busy"... Meaning What part of my "self" gets rewarded from being busy. What idea of identity do I allow to take over when I am overburdened.

I took a bath last night. With a candle and the lights out (I had to wait till everyone was asleep, but still)... I stayed till the water had cooled... It was glorious.

I really appreciate this post because I have been thinking a lot lately about all this busy-ness. It seems like people almost have to be busy these days. Lately I have been less busy and more well rested than I have been in years, and honestly sometimes I doubt myself for this. Why is it that taking time to sit still, to enjoy a moment, to really connect with others does not seem to be valued?

I recently posted on a social network that "busy" was a four letter word that is used way too much. Sure, we're all busy, but it's not impossible to find time for the things and people we really care about.

Connections such as friendships and close ties to family and the projects and hobbies that make us who we are can't possibly evolve into more if we constantly shove them aside by using that 4 letter word.

Wonderful post.:)

There is a specific term in Spanish for lingering at the table. It's called "sobre mesa"--over the table. The fact that we have a word for it is an indication of how important sobre mesa is to the practice of sharing meals. Enjoying long relaxing lunches is one of my favorite things to do when I travel to visit family and friends in the Caribbean and Spain. It reminds me that sharing food is about much more than just eating it!

I love to linger at the dinner table. Unfortunately, with a toddler who more times than not is dining with us, it doesn't happen often. Wonderful post.

Ah yes, answering the ubiquitous "How are you these days?" question. I feel like "busy" is often an answer we use because we feel a little guilty saying "Oh I'm great! No stress here, just rocking out the me time..." "Busy" is this great sharing point where we get to explain to someone else just how much we're doing.

I really like the idea of focusing more on the being, rather than the doing. Slowing down. Calming down. I think that's what a good table-lingering is all about. Great post, thank you!

I agree wholeheartedly! I have never been one to take on too much, but every now and then, things can get a bit overwhelming. It's great to just really soak up all of the delicious moments in life.

Linger, yes, definitely... I make a conscious effort to have some time daily, even if it's just 15 minutes, and weekly on Sundays. Half the time I think it's the only thing keeping my stress levels down. Sunday is my day for lingering and at least half of it is spent reading or writing or making something in my studio. Nothing seriously focused, more like doodling to get away from my tech job and open my creativity.

To encourage lingering at the dining table, since it's specifically mentioned above, I switch the music to something mellow - clear the table surreptitiously while I'm bringing out more nibbles (honey & fruit & chocolate is my favorite combination and pear brandy), and if it's a small group I always make certain that instead of the regular dining chairs that I gathered the wing chairs from throughout the house. My fondest memories of family visits is of sitting for hours at the dining table, talking about anything and everything, and it was the comfortable chairs that made the difference for us.