Inform and offer to bring a dish. Hosts, if you decline this offer, you are required to offer a good main dish - "substantial sides" are a poor substitute and it's a rude way to treat your guests.

I like the recommendation to offer to bring a vegetarian dish. As a host, I have cooked separate vegetarian main dishes for parties, only to have the vegetarian(s) not show up! This solution takes the pressure off the host.

Didn't we beat this theme to a torturous death within the past year?

Your Emily Post solution is dead on.

I've been on the hosting side of that situation and was really happy to have gotten a head's up. I would have felt terrible if she showed up to find bacon crumbles in the salad bowl and pre-assembled brie and salami crostini as I had been planning.

I'm fortunate that I have a good number of vegetarian and Kosher friends, so when cooking, there's already the mindset to make vegetarian.

I always ask if someone is vegetarian or vegan or has food allergies. Then I plan accordingly. Since we eat mainly vegetarian anyway, and eat vegan meals pretty frequently, it isn't a tough adjustment. What I hate is when someone doesn't say anything and then makes a big deal about the things they won't eat during the meal. They don't get invited back.

I hate not having control over the menu, and I'd feel bad making my guest bring food for themselves to eat (and share with others, I get it). I guess I should just get over that though.

The only time I find it awkward to be a vegetarian at a dinner party is when I'm a guest of a guest and don't know the host personally. I probably wouldn't bring along a dish to a stranger's party, but I have been known to keep a snack in my purse in case there's not enough for me to eat.

Can I also add that if you are the host and you ask the guest (me) to bring a dish, please inform me of YOUR dietary restrictions.
And don't get angry if I don't realize you've switched from vegetarian to vegan in the three weeks since I last saw you, and don't complain constantly if the homemade peppermint patties that I brought have cream in them so you can't eat them.

I've learned to contact the host directly with the Emily Post solution. I once ended up in a small village at my classmate's home for a small dinnerparty. Classmate forgot to tell her mother (who cooked the meal) that I'm vegetarian. While everyone else had a nice fancy meal, I smiled through brussel sprouts (the one veggie I can't stomach) and a hasty, plain omelet. Another incident led to a dish of boiled potatoes and salad.

Even if you don't know the host, letting them know what your restrictions are and you can bring food will save a lot of awkwardness. This also gives you an opportunity to gauge their reaction and know if you should have a little something to eat ahead of time so you don't feel deprived.

For any sort of food related gathering, I always make sure to provide substantial options for everyone, and believe that both the host and the guests should communicate with each other about dietary restrictions.

I don't personally feel awkward about catering to a person's eating habits to the fullest extent of my ability, and I think this was reinforced while working in a restaurant that would substitute anything in or out of any dish - Don't like mushrooms? Don't eat dairy? Allergic to olives? I'll happily work around it, so that you can eat something delicious and satisfying.

As a host, I always ask if there are any dietary restrictions when I send out an invitation. Regardless, I do feel that it's important that people let me know when they have special restrictions as I'm always happy to work with them.

All very salient advice, but also remember that if His Holiness the Dalai Lama is offered meat at a meal, he will graciously accept.

That being said, due to severe food allergies, I always ask my guests about their dietary restrictions and enjoy the challenge it presents to accommodate all.

I agree with the post above--if it's large and/or buffet/informal, I say nothing beforehand, especially if I don't know the hosts well. I'm basically vegan, so I usually expect that I won't be able to eat anything (or almost anything) there, and I eat something at home before going to the event. If they have crackers or chips or fruit/veggies or salad set out that I can eat, I'll have that. If not, I'll just have a drink and I'm fine. I don't even mention being vegan unless somebody is pushing me hard to try the chicken salad, or cookies, or whatever.

If it's small and not eating the main course will be obvious, I'll mention it ahead and offer to bring a dish. No big deal.

I try to always ask when issuing invitations if there are any dietary restrictions I need to know about. I'm happy to work around them and often enjoy the challenge but I have to know about them first!

And please, please, please, PLEASE don't bring something without asking. I absolutely loathe having that wrench thrown in the works and am generally insulted by it especially when someone brings a store-bought dish.

I don't think it's the guest's responsibility to inform the host -- it's the host's responsibility as a good host to ask when the invitation is extended about special food needs. As someone who medically needs to eat gluten-free, I've become very sensitive to other food needs when I have people at my house for events. It's really the polite thing to do -- as the host your goal is to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome, in my opinion.

What if you are a vegetarian host -- should you provide a meat option to non-vegetarian dinner guests?

>What if you are a vegetarian host -- should you provide a meat option to non-vegetarian dinner guests?

i vote no. assuming that you are providing a delicious and plentiful meal, meat is not necessary. i eat meat, and i would gladly skip it to spend a lovely evening with my friends.

@aoede

I agree with hmo. The only people I've ever heard complain about a nice meal's lack of meat are elderly relatives.

Eastern European octogenarians are decidedly carnivorous, but the rest of us are probably already accustomed to eating meat-free meals on a regular basis.

Maybe this is slightly different, but for years my extended family has gone WAY out of their way to provide vegetarian/vegan accomodating dishes at holiday meals IN ADDITION TO their regular menu. The thing about that is, many of the holiday side dishes are actually vegetarian friendly, and my sister, cousin and I hate to see all of that extra food go to waste -- because inevitably it ends up being 3 times what we could consume.

That said, if I'm hosting, I generally make a point of knowing what every guest's preferences are and plan accordingly. Or for less formal events (such as BBQs) where the guest list is a little more open and flexible, I just provide plenty of options. I'm also known for making a point of letting the vegans know when a particular item has been prepared differently than "normal" with that lifestyle in mind.

I think it's the guest's responsibility to say something, especially if the guest doesn't know the host well. I'm not a mind reader and shouldn't be expected to be. Someone who's lactose intolerant wouldn't expect anyone to ask about that. As the host, I'd be more than happy to adapt the main dish & wouldn't be at all offended if the guest offered to bring a dish.

As a host, I always ask if there are any foods that people can't/won't eat. And I either cook two dishes or one dish to which I serve meat on the side, that can be added to the dish but is not necessary. Just because you are not vegetarian doesn't mean you necessarily prefer the meat-dish and I experienced that people usually eat equal amounts of both the meat and the non-meat dishes - even if there is only one vegetarian in a party of eight.

But then I don't have many friends who are typical "meat and potatoes" people.

I've never had a dinner party where I invited people I didn't know were or were not meat-eaters. However, I have endured (just the discomfort of a spectator actually) many unfortunate lunches at work where the "boss" thought they were being uber-generous by ordering our working group sandwiches or a taco bar without taking into any account that several of the employees were either vegetarian or vegan. What's the etiquette in that situation, since it's being presented as somewhat of a gift?

These days, who DOESN'T have some sort of dietary restriction or preference? I feel that if I'm hosting, it's important to ask my guests for a variety of reasons - allergies, dietary choices, or even extreme dislike of some certain food (ex: what if I make a main dish containing mushrooms, only to find out that a guest simply cannot stomach mushrooms?).

As a vegan-leaning vegetarian myself, I have found a useful phrase to be something like "I just wanted to let you know that I am a vegetarian and I do/do not eat dairy products. I know that you're going to be very busy preparing the party & dinner that night, so I would be more than glad to bring a vegetarian/vegan dish to share". This way, the host/ess doesn't feel that I'm skeptical of their ability to prepare a vegetarian dish, because sometimes they'll want to offer!

I agree with patrick(the other one)...we have beaten this to death a while back. Isn't there anything new in the food world to discuss?

When I invite people to come eat at my home, I always ask them if they have any food preferences or allergies that should be accommodated. And then I plan a menu that accommodates them with as many dishes as possible: kosher, vegan or gluten-free.

When I'm going to a party, I definitely tell the host I'm a vegetarian. Whether or not I prepare them a dish depends on how well I know the person and whether I trust them not to sneak chicken stock into my pasta sauce without thinking about it. Usually, I only let former vegetarians cook for me. Otherwise, I'll bring something.

Oh, and I have a rule that you aren't allowed to bring meat products into my house, just like I wouldn't bring dairy into a vegan's or pork to a kosher home.

Hmm. The one thing I'd do differently from the suggested....suggestion is, rather than SAYING you're going to bring an alternate dish, is to OFFER.

Speaking as an omnivore host - if someone responds by saying, "I should let you know I'm a vegetarian", I'd be appreciative to know that -- but then if they said "I'm going to bring something for me if that's okay with you," I just feel guilty, because I feel like I've made them go to extra trouble. However, if they instead OFFERED to bring a dish ("I should let you know I'm a vegetarian - do you need me to bring anything?") I have the chance to say "oh, no, that's okay, I'll break out the six MOOSEWOOD cookbooks I have -- is there anything in particular you don't eat?...." and then I work around that.

If I'm inviting someone over for dinner, it's because I want to give them a break from cooking, not because I want them to bring a bag lunch. If I have to change my menu, so be it -- lots of vegetarian food is delicious.

Unless I am having over a couple, or a few people, know they eat meat AND I want to cook meat, I always prepare really hearty side dishes that are just fine for vegetarians. If I am making a main dish with meat, none of the side dishes will have meat in them.

I am absolutely cool with people letting me know of dietary restrictions before joining us for dinner. If anything, it gives me the opportunity to experiment.

I am not vegetarian but am very picky about meat, so I figure if I can survive eating appetizers, sides, breads and desserts at other people's homes, people can at mine as well. I just try and serve a variety of foods.

I'm super picky about what I eat, it might be a meat free week, a ban on dairy or an embargo on gluten, but if I am invited to someone's table I think it's just rude to bring your own meal or request a different preparation...suck it up and eat it or eat around it :)

brainmac: People with food allergies just can't "suck it up and eat it or around it". With some folks even a little bit can cause a life threatening reaction.

As the host, I see it as my responsibility to check with guests to see if there are any dietary restrictions that I need to take in mind.

Having said that, I rarely have guests over that I don't know well enough to know their food issues...clearly you folks have more interesting social lives than I do!

Can we just agree that the question of etiquette here is NOT related to life-threatening food allergies?

If THAT'S the case, it is indeed up to the invitee to alert the host/hostess. And I'm sure no one here would then say, "Screw you, I'm serving the shrimp!"

As a host, I always ask if my guests have any allergies/dietary restrictions/flat out dislikes. As a vegetarian, I tend to make do... but I also rarely eat in peoples' homes where they didn't know I don't eat meat ahead of time.

If I'm hosting, I, a vegetarian, always ask if any of my invited guests have any dietary restrictions. If I'm invited, I always tell the host ahead of time of my dietary restrictions. Quite honestly, I'm fine with being served vegetarian/vegan side dishes and wine at a dinner party.

I do like the advice about tactfully offering to bring something. I might try that the next time. For example, I might offer to bring a potato gratin that could be served as a substantial main course (for me), as well as a side dish for others.

About the boss ordering food for the group - I find they either forget and I'm glum, or they remember and I have to be the aggressive, first-in-line, dive-at-the-box/buffet else the one veggie option will get snatched up by some meat-eater hoping to be healthy for the day.

I hate having to be the food police, but come on - if you aren't a vegetarian, don't pig out on the veggie option at the group functions.

I love when I make something for the vegetarian guests and all the meat eaters help themselves to it "as a side".

If it's a large enough gathering that I don't know everyone's food preferences/restrictions, I would always always always have vegetarian options available. Even if I know everyone, the chances are about 90% that someone will be vegetarian among my friends. Though my father-in-law stated he refuses to cook differently for vegetarians - they can make do with his salad and sides, in his opinion. (I tried to goad his chef's pride by telling him I like the "challenge" of cooking for dietary restrictions - maybe his future guests will benefit...?!)

And what does everyone think about a vegetarian barring friends from cooking meat in his or her apartment?

I was invited to a potluck dinner party at a friends house. After accepting we were told there is a slight catch....NO MEAT! When I asked why, I learned she was a vegetarian. Obviously I changed my plans, but privately I did think it was rude..........it was, right?

The same friend later invited me to Easter at her place, but stipulated I was not allowed to cook meat in her apartment. Since I traditionally cook a citrus ham on Easter, and was pretty bummed anyways that I wasn't spending the holiday with my family OR my boyfriend, I opted to stick to tradition by cooking the ham and enjoyed Easter with other friends.

If you are vegetarian you should not expect someone to create a separate menu just for you. Just eat whatever veggies are available and if you're still hungry post-dinner party go home and eat there. This isn't a "dilemma" because no one really cares that you're vegetarian. Unless they are sensitive to your dietary sacrifices and feel inclined to serve you a special meal. I wouldn't care if a vegetarian came to my party but of course I would have veggies there because I love them! :D

I always ask my guests about dietary restrictions. I add a sentence to my invitation asking guests to please let me know if they have any allergies, restrictions, etc. Seems to do the trick and no one feels awkward bringing it up.

With several insulin-dependent diabetic friends, vegans, vegetarians, lactose intolerance, my sister with multiple mild food allergies, and at least one friend with severe food allergies, I find it's safer to just ask.

And yes, I do like the challenge of adapting my recipes. :)

I was veg for a number of years. I was in my 20's and could have handled a few dinner invites better, so I think this is a good topic to discuss annually for the new folks. I tried not to make too much of it, and would wind up at a dinner at a colleague's where they got steaks - because it was a special occassion and they wanted to serve something nice for company (which was just me). I felt bad. The funny thing is I once, when vegan, had some friends (good friends) drop in around dinner time when I had another mutual friend in town. I always have an open door policy and can always make a meal feed more, so that was not a problem. But they were going "low carb" and we concluded that the only thing in my house I could offer them were the dog's pig ears.

I am now omnivorous again. And I ask.

It is up to the host to find out if her guests have an special dietary restrictions or plain just hate some types of food!

Whether I am hosting a picnic, dinner party, or overnight guests I always ask if there is anything I should keep in mind. Some of my friends simply cannot eat onions.. in anything! My D-I-L is a vegetarian so I am cognizant of that. But everyone should be cognizant of asking their guests their preferences so that visit is the best it can be!

At Cookbook Club 101we try to bring you recipes and ideas to cover ALL the bases!
~MaggieB

My experience has been with office parties: Let's order pizza! Okay -- let's get one meat and one vegetarian. All of the meat eaters take two slices: one from the meat and one from the vegetarian. The vegetarians maybe get one slice from what's left over of the vegetarian pizza. But for some reason it is never okay to just order two vegetarian pizzas. Um, folks, it's the 21st century, and everyone eats vegetable entrees -- if you're participating in a potluck or hosting a dinner party, provide one.

Don't be a martyr. Tell them!

I agree with most of this. I've been vego for 10 years 9actually just gave it up) and never had a problem with dinner parties. If it was someone I didn't know that well (rare), I'd tell them I was a vego and offer to bring something.

I STRONGLY disagree with this though: "If the vegetarian issue has not been discussed until the night of the party, or even if it has but there isn't sufficient food to eat, the vegetarian should make an effort to tell the host how delicious and adequate the other offerings are."

Don't lie to your hosts. If the food is awful or there's hardly anything for you to eat, just say 'thanks so much for dinner' or 'thanks for inviting me' and leave it at that.

Oh and PS as a host it's always a good idea to ask 'is there anything you don't eat?', or if for example you're going to make something laden with peanuts or mushrooms or something ask if they can eat mushrooms/peanuts/shellfish...

I second the offer to bring something option! My husband is diabetic and while we have since learned that calling to inquire about the menu "for insulin planning needs" is almost never taken badly by the hosts, not doing so can bite us in the butt.

Two Christmases ago his family whallopped us but good! They served lobster, sweet potatoe casserole, green rice, candied carrots, mashed potatoes and tons of dessert options. Lovely meal, unless you can't have sugar. There were no green veggies and no salad, so nothing but lobster to eat! And then his mother got mad at him for not eating what she'd cooked, even though he'd politely explained what his restrictions were and offered to bring something to share! She thought the carrots and sweet potato casserole would be fine for him: they were vegetables after all (under all the sugar and marshmallows!). It was without doubt the most uncomfortable meal I've ever experienced. Now we bring a salad and a green veggie when we go to dinner there so we know he can eat something regardless of how rude it may seem...we were glad we did this past holiday when they did it again without thinking about it!

Oh (and I can't shut up about this) @JefferyK, I heartily agree. I think a good rule of thumb if you absolutely must share at restaurants, with takeaway etc is to get at least twice as many vego dishes as meat because, as you say, omnivores will try one of everything and vegos just can't.

I'm amazed that nobody has brought this up, but...sometimes people who have been vegetarian for a long time CAN'T comfortably eat meat anymore. They won't produce the enzyme they need. What kind of a jerk host serves a meal that's going to make their guest throw up? If you dislike someone that much, just don't invite them to dinner. But if your going to be a host, why not do it right?

I always mention my nonfatal but unpleasant shellfish allergy, and nobody has ever bat an eye.

I don't like the offer to bring something idea. As a host, it is my pleasure to serve you dinner. Offering to bring something seems to undermine my capability to make an appropriate vegetarian dish.

I have also been raised to almost always provide vegan options with meals (and often a fish dish for people that don't eat other meat). Many of my friends fast (ie go vegan) on Wed and Fridays, as well as during Lent, Advent and August, so it's pretty normal to expect that someone will be fasting. if I'm having a small party, I usually ask my guests when I invite them whether they are fasting or not.

I always cook vegan for gatherings- it's not like it's hard to make a few delicious and beautiful dishes (and freakin' inexpensive too- thanks you guys)...but I don't mention the evil words that start with V to the carnivores. They always eat my food....and I have to warn the omit-ivores (sorry for the tag!) so they can get some before its gone.

This topic always bugs me. Just tell them to host the damn meal themselves. Who wants to bother with that mess?? I can barely cook as it is, and I'm certainly not going to learn new recipes for someone. Better yet, tell them to pick a restaurant. No one ever bothers to ask me what will irritate my crohn's disease.

Though, now that I've said that...have we had a discussion about WHY people choose the foodways that they do? I want to know more about ethics, biology, species preservation and health...

We've (at the end of this week) covered the the square meals, lets explore more advanced mathematics...

I haven't read all the comments, but I actually find the Emily Post idea obnoxious. What if a quiche completely clashes with the planned meal? I was a vegetarian for twelve years of my adult life. I never, ever asked anyone to make a special meal, and I never imposed my own meal on a host to meet my needs. Either

1. the hosts knew I was a vegetarian and accommodated me, or

2. they were vegetarians themselves, or

3. I made a meal of the side dishes. Seriously...it's one meal. I never felt bad for myself, but I did feel bad for the host here and there, or

4. I ate the meat. There were several times when someone just served out the plates and mine had meat on it. When in Rome, right?

oops, bored at midnight (eastern time)...can anyone think of ONE DISH that would satisfy (not just sustain) 99.9% of dietary restrictions...

if so, let us all learn it, and learn it well!

I only prepare vegetarian meals for myself, so when I'm at a dinner party it's kind of fun to be adventurous and eat what everyone else is eating (or just a bit of it).

I guess this is why I'm a really bad vegetarian. I guess I'm not really one at all.

Tatterhood- I'm thinking a raw kale salad...

Britomart, I think you're awesome for not adhering to the rules - anyones! Not the vegetarians and not the meat eaters. My husband became a vegetarian about 7 months ago and while it's been a real struggle for both of us to adjust (me more than him since I'm the cook. I wont go into the hostile feelings there!), what's worse is he' given himself all these strict rules to follow with it. Good for you for being able to accept your food whims for being just that and not beating yourself up for having meat now and again! We went to a fancy seafood place and my husband (who counts fish as meat) decided to try a bite of my swordfish because he'd never tried it before. I know he went through a mental tug-of-war on that decision, which is ridiculous. Just because he tasted a fish doesn't mean he's a sellout. But it's hard to convince him of that without him thinking I'm trying to "turn him back".

Instead of this discussion, which I agree has been talked to death, how about the topic of a vegetarian and a meat-eater in the same home, and how to deal with those challenges, huh? how do you happily break bread together on a daily basis? Because I could still use some tips!

I don't make a fuss about it at all. If they know I'm a vegetarian, great! If they don't and there's only meat dishes, I'll eat meat. I think it's best to eat as little meat as possible, for various reasons, but I'm not going to make a spectacle of that. Especially if the food is there anyway, cooked, and will go to waste anyway. I think it'd be utterly silly to go hungry and have the meat end up in the trash (AND probably generate some awkwarness) just to make a statement, that won't help anyone. Eating meat once in a while won't kill me.

To "talked to death" contingent in this comments section: Clearly this question has not been talked to death since there is a vibrant discussion occurring before your very eyes. Why are you reading and commenting on a post that no longer interest you?

Well said, Laurabellk and hannahvdb!

(My comment above is not directed at folks, like laurabellk, who are suggesting other meaningful directions for the conversation.)

I don't think a vegetarian should ever have to just suck it up and eat meat. I get trying to be accommodating and if you are flexible about eating meat some of the time then more power to you. But just as I would not ask someone to overlook a religious dietary restriction or a food allergy, I wouldn't expect a vegetarian or vegan to eat meat or animal products, respectively. "Your allergic to glutton [keep kosher], well everything I made has glutton [is non-kosher]. Better eat it anyway to avoid possibly hurting my feelings." See sounds pretty absurd, doesn't it?

Just be polite. If possible communicate clearly with your host beforehand. Never lecture about your food choices even if you're asked. Keeping those responses simple is always best. Anything more can become hurtful and annoying. Oh yeah, be polite.

I was vegetarian for fifteen years. The rare time I was invited to dinner by someone who didn't know I was vegetarian I would let them know so that they wouldn't slave over a pot roast or whatever for hours. I was also adamant that it was not up to my hosts to go out of their way for me, especially if I was just one guest, not the guest of honour. I was also not a 'militant' vegetarian--I'd eat the potatoes cooked with the roast if the pickings were slim even though at home I was extremely strict and would only let my guests cook meat in a specially reserved pan that I never used.

I used to be a carnivore, while my husband was vegetarian. He's the one who cooks. Fortunately, he could bring himself to cook me meat. I respected his choices and tried never to offer a bite of my meal if it was meat, he respected my need for this kind of protein.

Now that I've chosen to become vegetarian as well, we love hosting people, but we always warn them that we don't cook meat and ask whether there is something they won't have in their meal. Anyone is invited to bring their own dishes (why would we be hurt?), but we make sure to cook a tasty and hearty meal without meat. When we go visit, we warn the hosts politely or just make do with the sides.

I find comments like Stylefyle and ShermelS's a bit off-putting. Why can't people choose what they allow as food in their house or not? And while I realize that being a vego is my choice, why shouldn't it be respected just like other choices, i.e., religion (like kosher and halal food)?

I think that's a lovely reaction. I also think that as a host you have the responsibility to ask the people you are inviting to dinner whether there's anything they can't eat. If both host and guest are polite and willing to each other's needs this shouldn't be a problem.

I think it's the guest's responsibility to inform the host, and never put the host in a position where he/she might find themselves in a position of being a less than perfect host (e.g. not having appropriate food available) just because of a lack of information.

And even if I know someone well I always remind them that I don't eat meat or fish - I've been a vegetarian for 22 years and I have an aunt who still always askes "When did this happen?" when I say it to her.

And hosts please make sure that there is enough vegetarian food because usually the non - vegetarians also dig into the veggie food! =)

But what should you do if they go to the trouble of making something just for you that turns out not be vegetarian (or whatever)? How do you politely tell them?

That's happened to me a few times, where omnivores just don't understand what's involved with special diets - such as an elderly aunt who made me a potato dish using beef stock!

As a vegan, I am every dinner host's worst nightmare! Luckily, everyone who knows me knows about my dietary preferences. My host usually asks me what they can make, and I always offer to bring something. If I'm worried about quantity/options, I have a snack before the party to keep me going.

Where this has become a problem in my life is at business dinners. Inevitably my quarky ordering brings up a conversation about veganism (I don't initiate this) and a long conversation about it ensues, usually highlighted by stories about other vegans who are unhealthy, rude, obnoxious, hypocritical, etc. Being the butt of the joke is tiresome. I'm an easy going vegan who doesn't care about what anyone else eats. My diet is a personal thing.

How can I avoid this conversation without changing my diet?

I have a question for everyone, but particularly those who would not want someone to bring something -

so I have a life threatening food allergy, one where if I eat the traces of nuts I am hospitalized and potentially dead.

And I always feel so bad going to peoples houses! I mean, I get that an alive-but-pain-in-the-ass guest is better than a dead guest, but here is my dilemma:

Most of the time, I can't really trust people to make dishes I can eat. Simple ones where the person understands the allergy, sure, but often kitchens that may have used nuts earlier in the day or are making dishes with nuts side by side, or even using ingredients with traces of nuts in them - I just can't eat 'em - itll kill me.

I often ask timidly and politely for people to remove bowls of nuts, or for people to understand that no, I can't eat the salad now that the nuts have been picked out of it, the nut oils are still on the lettuce. Took my in-laws a good year to get that one.

Sure, I let people know ahead of time, but recently I stopped trying and stopped eating. I often decline dinner invitations now, or ask to go out - but I really want to hang out and feel OK about this. Is there a way I can break it to you that I can't eat your food but still like you as a person and hanging out in your house? What can I tell the person who won't let me bring my own dish, insisting they can take care of it? I have tried the restaurant suggestion, but people usually ask us over because they want to host... I have tried being confident and sticking up for myself, but more often than not, I hear people whispering about what a pain in the ass it is behind my back, or even get backhand comments...

I don't really have an opinion one way or the other. I just feel sad for the cute little sad vegetarian girl in the picture. Poor thing...

I'm sort of confused about how you invite people to a party without knowing that they're vegetarians or not. How well do you know these people you're inviting into your home? Maybe I just prefer more intimate events.

If I had life threatening food allergies, I'd probably opt out. Human error could make for a tragedy. If it was me I'd then enjoy inviting others to my place and everyone could relax and have fun.

As a host I would be very appreciative if someone let me know that they have dietary needs. I wouldn't be offended at all by someone bringing what they can eat in order to be able to participate if I was unable to meet their needs.

Since I don't often invite people I'm not comfortable with to my home, I would offer to have them come by early with their offering. We could then, together, make it a part of the meal and no one would be the wiser. Otherwise, if it's very special and only for that person, again, come early and I'll be able to serve you in such a way it is not a point of discussion to make you uncomfortable.

I once read a definition of etiquette I quite liked. It was simply, to be able to make people comfortable in any situation. Not always possible, but something to aspire to.

We are mostly vegetarian at home. But when we're out and about, we believe that eating what we're served is more important than any sort of (non-life-threatening) eating plan. I mean, when you are presented with generosity in the form of a graciously planned meal, how rude to turn it down. Obviously it's different when there are real health issues involved, but with us, there's a line of courtesy. Of course we are rarely asked if we have any objections to food. We both like meat and will eat it if served (with a generous portion of veggies/salad if available). For us, while I know there are ways to approach this subject with grace and pleasantness, the way we'd ideally eat is not more important than human relationships.

I'm an 8-year vegetarian.

Informing ahead of time is always best. But if for whatever reason I can't inform the host, there's no way in hell I would "suck it up" and eat meat for the night. There's also no way in hell I would keep quiet about it. I LOVE being veg and I'm proud of it, and have no problem announcing this to anyone within hearing range.

Now if I have to suffer through a four-hour party with only chips and dip, crackers and cheese, or veggies and rice...then so be it. If the host was unawares, I would never guilt them into the fact that I don't have enough options. As a veg (especially growing up in an African American family), you just kind of expect that certain occasions you're going to be assed out...and hope that the GOOD hosts are the ones who will go out of their way to make sure you're satisfied. I'll turn down their offers to run out to the store or go whip up some completely new dish, but it's definitely the thought that counts.

If it is a dinner party why in the world would I ask one of my guests to bring their own dish? A pot luck, yes, among close friends, but not a dinner party that I am hosting. That seems to me to be against the gracious gesture of inviting people over to share a meal and each other's company.

If I invite people I do not know to dinner, I expect them to inform me well ahead of time of dietary restrictions and would ask ahead of time. Then I will do my best to meet their needs. I may never invite these people again but I hope I can base that on their personalities & not their eating habits.

If people do not inform me ahead of time then they will either eat what is there or not eat it. That's just the price of being a grown-up and accepting a dinner invitation. I can't be expected to read minds or suddenly get up and prepare an alternative.

I ask people if there are dietary restrictions and if they're something difficult to handle, I'll either ask for advice from the person in question and if it seems really difficult - ie requires me to kasher my stove, or use new plastic dinnerware in fears of triggering anaphylactic shock - I may ask if they could bring something with them. I think I'd feel bad if I had to ask someone to bring their own dinner.

If you are someone who has a dietary restriction please let me know. I want you to be able to enjoy dinner too. If you want to offer to bring something, that's fine, just let me be able to say "no, I've got it covered."

For the vegetarians who get annoyed when the meat eaters eat their veggies: don't you want more people to eat less meat? In any case, I'm going to pay more attention to this in the future. I'll try to make sure next time I have mixed omni- and vegetarian guests that I have a good ratio of food.

I hate the idea of a vegetarian bringing their own dish to my party. First off, that's so rude to leave it up to them, in my opinion. If I feel like hosting someone, I should host them specifically, not just a vague idea of any human. Second, if they show me up with their dish, I'll be hella ticked. ;)

For my birthday last year, I made individual chicken pot pies for everyone. Ahead of time, I knew I had one dairy free person, one gluten free person, and one vegetarian. I cooked all my vegetables together in olive oil and set them aside. Then I made individual crusts and sauces for the gluten free/dairy free versions. The I made a little sauteed of alternative proteins (soy beans and some toasted nuts) for my vegetarian pie. I made her sauce with homemade veggie stock (so I was sure there was no contamination), and put hers together just like the others. I baked my three special pies separately in my basement oven, so they would not get lost in the sea of standard pies. Everyone's pie had their initial cut into the crust, so it was easy to keep track of. When it came time for dinner, it was as if there was no difference in meals on everyone's plates, which is exactly the way I wanted it.

There have been times when I find out someone has brought a vegetarian guest without warning, but in my pantry, I just keep a couple staples on hand to whip up a vegetarian main dish in a few seconds. I make a simple pasta dish with a short pasta, toasted chick peas, toasted walnuts, and some greens (which I have saved in my freezer for this occasion!) and whatever fresh herbs I have on hand (and hopefully some lemon if I have it on hand too!). It's simple, rustic, pretty, and it is packed with protein and yummyness for my vegetarian friends as well as the omnivores (and one carnivore...don't ask...) And, in our house, we try to eat vegetarian about 2-3 times a week, so sometimes we specifically plan vegetarian menus for parties and our omnivorous guests don't even notice! (The carnivore, however, does notice, but that's a whole different story.)

tbigs - I think you can safely inform your host that you have a life threatening food allergy and would be interested in attending dinner if you could bring a prepared dish for yourself and others. Asking about the intended menu would allow you to cater your dish to fit with the spirit of the meal. I cannot imagine someone giving you a hard time for this request. If they do, they are clearly not worth it. Don't bother with them. Who needs friends who can respect our basic health and safety? Heck, this conversation is probably a great litmus test for gauging who is and isn't worth your time.

I think the people *offended* by a vegetarian's/vegan's/allergic eater's OFFER to bring something, to take away some burden, have serious control issues.

We get it, it's your party, you want to be the star.

I'm busy that night.

I'm a bad host.. I never ask if people have food "issues" (allergies/likes/dislikes/whatever) unless I'm serving borscht. I've had too many people over for dinner who claimed to like "everything" and then pick rudely over a bowl of borscht for me to go to the trouble of making it unless I KNOW that they'll enjoy it.

However, I welcome people to speak up if they can't eat everything (or don't like it.. have religious reasons or whatever), because I'd feel like a seriously shitty host if I didn't cater to my guests. They're my GUESTS, of course I should take their needs into consideration!

I think it's the guest's duty to inform the host. I'm being generous enough to invite them over for the meal; if they have dietary restrictions, it's up to them to tell me well beforehand. I think Emily Ho's suggestion of telling the host and offering to bring a dish that complements the meal is a perfect solution and not rude at all.

I used to be vegan (am now a locavorish omni) and always make sure to have vegan and/or vegetarian dishes if I have veggie guests coming.

We've had this weird issue with a friends boyfriend who is vegan- I always make sure to include vegan dishes when I know he's coming over. The weird part is that he'll always bring a ton of his own food, only eat that food, and then take it home with him after. They (the couple) is also known to bring a bottle of wine, drink it amongst themselves, and then take it home. They also once cleaned all of their beer out of our fridge before leaving. Honestly... we've stopped inviting them.

@ RenaiMarie: Wow.. now that's rude! Why bother even going out?

As a person with Celiac, I've learned that it's MY responsibility to speak up - whether at someone's home or at restaurants - to ensure that my dietary needs are met...
...and if it's not going to work - such as the theme of the party being "Spaghetti Dinner" or "Pizza Nite" - I can always graciously decline the invitation.

This is one reason why I favor hosting dinner parties in restaurants: The Host doesn't have to concern themselves with their guest's dietary needs, preparation and cleanup...
...and the guest doesn't have to do anything but show up and order from the menu.

I think there's a huge difference between food "preferences" and food "allergies." I think you absolutely, out of self-preservation, must speak up about your food allergies. I'm sure some people feel bad having to do it often, but I'm sure other people must not be bothered by it.

Great article. I agree with everything said.

I'm a vegetarian who was diagnosed recently with a wheat allegy, unfortunately. I find that these dinner gatherings are taken way too seriously. Some people freak out over the slightest glitch.

What people don't realize is that vegetarians / wheat allergic folks are more than accustomed to adapting. I always inform the host but it seems so demanding, I'd rather just eat side dishes. It's not the end of the world, the company is what really makes a meal.

Whenever I am cooking for anyone new I ask if they have any food allergies or dietary restrictions.
This made my wedding interesting, a few vegans, some lactose intolerant, severe peanut allergy, tomato allergy, avacado allergy and a few wheat allergies, as well as some people that hated anything to do with mushrooms enough to throw fits...
Got the event catered by a wonderful local itlian restaurant that was able to make available items for everyone at $10each.

As a guest, if I don't know what might be served, I follow Scarlett's example and eat a little something before I leave so I'm not ravenous and can more easily make do. I also sneak a granola bar into my handbag in case I can't eat much of anything served -- at an opportune moment I find a quiet corner to eat a few quick bites.
In any case, I always take the plate that's offered and eat whatever I can -- even just the tomatoes in the meat dish and the olives in the couscous or whatever -- so the plate looks as though I've dined happily. If people are rude enough to comment on the quantity I've consumed (large or small) I smile sweetly and pronounce a non-sequitur, such as, "Doesn't Marie set a lovely table? Those asparagi were delicious. Marie, where did you get those darling pillows on the couch. May I help clear?" while drifting into the kitchen, hands full of dishes, to break off that line of conversation.
I scarf down the rest of the granola bar on the way home and sometimes indulge in a frozen yogurt for dessert.

after reading these comments, I am so glad
1. I am not a vegetarian.
2. I don't know any vegetarians.

this is all too much drama for me....

I think empresscallipygos has it exactly right. Let your host know about your dietary restrictions, and offer to bring an unspecified dish if they'd like. I'm a pretty staunch omnivore, but to me that means always being able to enjoy what my dinner guests can -- be it vegan or nutless or whatever.

The other thing I'd say is that I think the rules change for larger gatherings -- say, more than 15 people or so. In a group of that size, I try to make sure there's at least one vegan entree option, and that side dishes are at least lactovegetarian, but I don't ask about specific preferences. Catering to individuals of any specific preference in a crowd that size is pretty hard to do, but having vegan and vegetarian options covers nearly everyone.

I'm vegan and if I'm having people over I do ask what their dislikes and allergies are. I usually also email what I'm planning on making to people to make sure it works for them.

Granted, I won't make meat or dairy but I also will be kind enough to avoid say, cooked tomatoes or olives if people don't *like* them.

Because that's what a host *does*, regardless.

And just to respond to other comments:

-- I don't do *most* of the stuff the Dalai Lama does, why would I start eating meat if offered because he does? He also thinks homosexuality is wrong but I'm not about to take that on, too.

-- Wow, I'm really glad I have sane, thoughtful friends who don't have a bug up their ass about making varied foods like some of the hosers on this post!

As someone is is gluten-free, it is tough accepting an invitation to eat at another person's house (yes, I know this sounds ungrateful, but I don't like getting sick). Something is going to get in there unless they are ridiculously careful and even then, occasionally someone adds a secret ingredient like beer on the onions. For large parties, I always try and bring something and everyone always gobbles it up. And I have a secret dessert recipe, it only has three ingredient, chocolate, bananas and cream. I have substituted soy milk for the cream if there is a dairy allergy. It is also a favorite.

I was thinking about all the responses, and would love to know each poster's age and location! I feel like this might be breaking down by generation, and perhaps geography as well. I realized when I first started to learn to cook that if I could learn to cook vegetarian (i.e. not rely on the flavor of meat) then I would really know how to cook well. Bought the Moosewood Cookbook right out of college and it taught me well. Most of my standard recipes can be made with or without meat.

I've been vegetarian for almost 30 years now, since I was a kid. My friends know this, and it's never been an issue. Either they offer to make a veg dish, or ask me to bring one (they all know I love to cook.)
However, some of my husband's friends are a different breed. They act insulted when I tell them (well in advance) that I can't eat meat. They have refused my offers to bring along a veggie dish to share, then mixed bacon and chicken fat and god knows what else into every single dish they served. They honestly seem to think it's funny to try to get me to swallow animal products.
The tipping point came when they were invited to our home for homemade veggie lasagna. After accepting the invitation for what my husband told them would be a vegetarian meal, they arrived at our house with a bottle of scotch and several large, drippy steaks, which they expected me to prepare for them. They couldn't fathom why I didn't want to handle them, nor have them (the steaks) in my home, in my kitchen, on my nice clean cookware. My hubby told them it was like showing up to a Jewish or Muslim household with a pile of raw pork, but they just didn't understand why it was offensive to us. These people just baffle me.

Oh gosh. Speaking as an omnivore *please* let us know. I'd be much more embarrassed to have a guest with an untouched plate - after all, I'd start to think I'd messed up the food somehow! Much better to say something like "I hope it's not much trouble, but I did want to let you know I'm vegetarian."

Same thing goes for food allergies, Celiac's, kosher, etc. Heck, a lot of cooks enjoy the added challenge.

@lorijo: now, now. Drama is more a function of the people in question, not their dietary habits. And even then, there's at least one person in this discussion (PTOO, I'm lookin' at you) who can attest that I'm rather a spirited lass, but in social dining situations I, like many of my fellow veggies, am pretty laid-back and accommodating. Vegetarians constitute about 3% of the American population, and I think about the same in Europe (I'm not sure about elsewhere), and vegans are about 0.7%. We know how to adapt, and know that the only way we're going to be able to eat everything on the table is if we or a like-dieted friend are doing the cooking -- it's just something that goes with the territory. Depending on who's throwing the shindig, I know whether I need to say something or if there's likely to be stuff I can eat. If I don't know them as well, it's a simple matter of "hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm vegan. If this is weird for you or isn't going to work with your menu, I'm cool with taking a raincheck and catching you another time. I obviously wouldn't expect you to know/learn how to cook vegan/vegetarian food, so if you're cool with the vegan thing, I'd be happy to bring a dish -- just let me know how you want to handle it!" No swords need be drawn over dinner.

@patrick: these dietary choices are becoming more common, meaning that more people are needing to know how to handle this, hence the recurring discussion. We veggies aren't much into beating any animal to death, horse or otherwise. :p

Oh, and re: feeding omnis, the only polite thing to do is mention, during/in the invite, that you're serving a vegetarian or vegan menu, so omnis who can't abide the idea of a meatless meal can decline without incident or ask if it's cool if they bring something meaty. It wouldn't be nice to assume that omnis will guess, or that they can/should just suck it up, since there are people with strong food preferences in all the -vore categories. It would be rude for an omni to roll up with raw meat and expect a veggie to prepare it, though. I WOULD, however, be happy to give omnis a section of the grill.

Wowsers! Social conventions obviously vary tremendously.

For folks in my little corner of the globe, it is customary for the host to inquire about food restrictions and preferences of their guests. It is also customary for guests to offer to bring something, although it would be unusual (and perceived as rude) for the guest to suggest what that should be. It would not, however, be considered rude for the host to accept and suggest a category of item, such as dessert, a vegetarian dish, wine, bread or a specialty of the guest who is offering.

For a host to inquire about a food restriction/preference and then not honor it would be considered beyond rude and veering into the category of disrepectful.

@happiness- My old friend's new significant other and my husband's business partner's wife are two examples of people I might invite for dinner when I didn't know them well enough to know their food preferences.

@Shanalulu, how very kind and accommodating of you. As an "omnivore" myself, i'd be much less than thrilled to be invited to a dinner party where there'd be no meat served. I find it interesting that the "vego's" expect their dietary needs to be accommodated, where as the "meato's" should just suck it up and eat vegetarian or vegan for the night. If that's the case, i'd rather just decline the invitation, though if playing host i'd be more than happy to provide several options for my more dietetically limited guest, regardless of the reason. However, i'm not so sure i'd get everything quite right, what with all the differing conventions that are prevalent nowadays. And if a guest had a life-threatening allergy, i'd rather no serve them, because that would be the one day i got fancy and toasted some pine nuts for the homemade pesto, and then used the same pan to sear the tuna. What a catastrophe. Seems easier to just have a cocktail party instead.

Personally, if I invited someone to dinner and they didn't inform me ahead of time of their dietary restrictions, I would be really pissed off if I served them, say, Boeuf Bourguignon (which is not the easiest dish to make) and only found out at the table that they were vegan.

If they did inform me ahead of time then I can choose whether to make an alternate dish, invite them to bring a dish of their own (and I wouldn't be offended if they offered to bring a dish--after all, I'm inviting them to my home to spend time with them not just to try to impress people with my cooking), etc. However, if the host and the guest don't know each other well then it may change the circumstances (i.e. inviting a friend and their guest to a traditional Thanksgiving/Easter/Christmas Dinner, and they don't eat meat: in this scenario, they can either fill up on sides or they can politely decline the offer, unless it's a very casual dinner and then they can offer to bring a vegetarian/vegan/whatever side dish).

I guess you just have to use common sense and good judgement, as well as take into account how close the host/guest are and what type of dinner it is (formal, informal, etc.). Also, if someone invites you over for something specific ("I'm making a roast beef on Sunday, why don't you come over") then it might be more polite to decline and say you're unfortunately busy that night then to tell the host that you're vegan and then they feel obligated to accomodate your dietary restrictions (because it would be really awkward for them to retract their invitation).

P.S. If you choose to be vegetarian/vegan/whatever fad diet (i.e. Atkins), please don't be irritating and try to convert everyone to your diet. It's extremely annoying and rude. I was a vegan/vegetarian for years and I never made a big deal about it or tried to tell anybody why it was better than how they ate, etc. Nothing is more obnoxious or rude then somebody blathering on and on about how being a vegan is a better/more ethical choice and how the chicken we're eating for dinner is treated, full of tumours, blah blah blah. Super tacky and rude. Like with politics and religion, dietary choices can be gently discussed in the right company but are best avoided.

Nothing is more irritating at a dinner party then the zealot vegans who act like they're superior to everyone else (I, however, don't have any problem with people who choose to be vegan, just don't be a dick about it).

PPS (sorry!) In my first line above, I'm not trying to say veganism/vegetarianism is a fad diet, I'm just referencing whether you are vegan/vegetarian OR on a fad diet...

fascinating discussion... I commend you ALL for your sensitivity... I can only add what I do (as someone who has swung in and out of vegetarianism in almost 60 years of life on this planet, unpredictable still, and who also follows imperfectly the highly personalized advice of a great nutritionist.. for instance right now chicken is TERRIBLE for me). Whatever it is, I eat it. I'll live. Even a little chicken. It's what my very strict French mother taught me, my duty as a guest is to my host. period.

yes. I have become my mother. and I'm a guy.

See here . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKTsWjbjQ8E

@Philip. I'm with you and your mama. Being vegetarian is not part of my social life. It is part of my personal life. I don't go around telling everyone I'm a vegetarian. I never accept a dinner invitation for the food (and I would certainly not ask what the menu would be); only the company. I eat enough to tide me over before I go in case they are Atkins people. When I accept a social engagement, I am entering THEIR world and exiting mine for a few hours. If I have to eat a hamburger, so be it. If they came to my house, it would be vegetarian faire.

@Kitty Atlanta -
While I've certainly "eaten in advance" if I'm not sure what's being served at a larger gathering, I certainly don't think I'm expected to eat stuff that I don't agree with to be polite while I'm at an event. That's just ridiculous. I don't comment that I can't eat anything because I'm vegan or point it out - if anything I try to stay under the radar.

If you're vegetarian for health reasons and a bit o' burger isn't a big deal to you then so be it but please realize that a lot of folks aren't vegetarian/vegan for health reasons.

I'm happy to enter anyone's world but if I show up at a party and they're making say, something-ist comments, I'm not required to participate if I thing it's the wrong thing for me to do. If the party is hosted in an area where I find out we'd be trespassing, I don't have to stay if I don't agree with it. And if I don't ethically agree with someone's fare, I don't make comment on it but I also don't eat it to be polite.

*****

In general, it seems like there are some of us who live in more veg-friendly circles than others. I think that might be telling --- why would I want to dine with someone who is barely exposed to it and could give a sh!t about it?

I feel like those hosts are the type of hosts that are more about themselves than about hosting. And no thanks to that!

I'm really amused by people equating an omnivore accommodating a vegetarian at a dinner with a vegetarian "accommodating" omnivores at a dinner..

Accommodating someone's food "restrictions" is NOT the same as serving something because *someone* thinks that it's not dinner unless you serve meat or potatoes.. or w/e.

If your ethics or health make you unable to eat something in particular, I am happy to accommodate you at my table. But if you insist that I *have to* provide something in particular, that makes you a spoiled child and you'll not be invited again.

I wish your solution had occurred to me when I was in my mid-20's. Of course, now I do this all of the time.

However, I recall one time 15 years ago when my now ex-boyfriend invited me to dinner at his family's home The only things that were on the table were biscuits and shredded pork stew. When I reminded my boyfriend that I was a vegetarian, he suggested I eat "around" the shredded pork.

I still have daymares about the whole thing -- especially now b/c I really can't stand the thought of eating pork in particular. That should have been my sign, really. I don't know who was more rude, his mother or him.

I mean, I've never been a vegetarian b/c of ethics or morals -- first it was about taste -- I just didn't like how meat tasted. Then later when I did start eating meat again for awhile, I didn't eat sausage or hot dogs because of the production process -- do you know what they put in there? I wouldn't feed my dog that.

Then I stopped eating pig meat (bacon, ham, & pork) for reasons I really can't explain. Then I became concerned with how the fact that the U.S. tests less than 1% of it's beef for disease and decreased my beef intake. I went to eating vegetarian 75% of the time -- flexitarian, they call it now. Then I was diagnosed with a kidney disease and the doctors told me to stop eating all meats but fish; though I'm actually encouraged to eat fish several times a week because the omega-3 is good for me -- so pescetarian.

I find it very frustrating now that I work in an office of people who are 1/3rd vegetarians and yet the office managers have a hard time remembering to order vegetarian options for office-provided lunch meetings/parties, but they have no trouble remembering the carb-free ice cream. It also surprises me how many people think that just because I eat fish, that all of the actual vegetarians eat fish or that there are people who claim to be vegetarians but will then admit they also eat beef or lamb or chicken sometimes or once a week. At least I know I'm a pescetarian which is a semi-vegetarian or flexitarian or a vegetarian diet with fish.

Anyway, I honestly feel bad when I'm going to someone's house for a meal because I know it's a burden on them to try to figure out what to fix that will accommodate everyone else plus me. Last Christmas, my mother's friend cooked a whole separate meal just for me, which I honestly didn't ask her to do. That was way too kind. Since before the kidney diagnosis, I always offer to bring a dish when I go socializing; it's something I learned to do in my late 20's. That way I know I always have something to eat, just in case. Plus, it's polite and neighborly. (I also randomly take homemade bread and cookies to my neighbors because I want to keep them happy and I think bribery works.) I've never known anyone to say "no" to an offer of free food whether it's a dessert or an appetizer or even some unusual side.

I live in Italy and have quite a lot of friends with food restrictions - some are vegetarians, some have a wheat allergy, some can't eat yeast, and so on. My dinners are for six people at most, as my flat and my kitchen are tiny. Having said that, whenever I have some of those friends over for dinner, all the menu revolves around their restriction. If my guest is vegetarian, all the dishes will be for vegetarians. If they can't eat wheat, I'll be serving rice to everybody. Here nobody really makes a fuss if there is no meat dish in a dinner, and I much prefer serving the same fare to everyone, without underlining differences - and I can tell you, no omnivore ever complained. As many of you already said, it's also a nice challenge for a cook :) (and, of course, whenever I invite someone I don't know very well, I always ask for restrictions and plain old dislikes)

Uh, yeah. People are being really entitled if they "need" meat during every meal. I do a lot of vegan cooking, and my omni friends love the rich, varied, huge, flavorful meals we make. We have many long-time friends who've said they didn't notice that we're vegetarian/mostly vegan until we mentioned it. If someone is serving twigs and grass as a meal, that's not a veg*n issue, but rather a very limited diet issue. My vegan cooking involves big plates of Italian/Asian/Latin food, huge elaborate cakes and pies and cookies, lots of great appetizers and snacky foods, plenty of creative beverages (alcoholic and non).

I am a grape eater. I enjoy grapes, and my diet includes grapes. However, I don't go to people's houses and insist that I need grapes served during every meal and call them a bunch of pinko communists for trying to convert me to their grape-free lifestyle. I'm perfectly happy eating a meal once in a while that doesn't include grapes.

And yes, for us, vegetarianism involves ethical issues among other things. We're happy to cook big elaborate meals for our friends and we make sure everyone has a great time, but we will not permit animal corpses in our house or on our dishes. We also don't allow weapons in our house. Or allow people to come here and say unwaveringly racist or homophobic things. It's our house, and we decide what we're comfortable allowing here. Trust me, you'll still have a good time.

I hope it isn't against any rules to do this, but this reminds me of a very amusing Mitchell and Webb skit I've seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKTsWjbjQ8E

You know although it is British humor, it really does address a good point.

These comments are so dead on! And Esmerelda - that's my family, to a T! At least you don't have to share holidays with those people! I don't understand the need for hostility that some people seem to have once they find out you're vegetarian. I've never tried to "convert" anyone to my diet - I couldn't care less if people eat meat - but I'm really starting to be amazed at how many things people can sneak bacon or tiny little specks of chicken just to see if I'll notice. Yeah, I do, actually because I get to spend the next two days in the bathroom because of your "hospitality." Thanks!

I don't expect anyone to accomodate my dietary choices, but I do ask that they're respected. As someone said above, if you haven't eaten meat in many years, you actually stop producing the enzymes necessary to digest it (same goes for milk). I have made many a meal out of side dishes and will "eat around" something, if I can, but sometimes that's just not possible. I don't care if my garden burger was cooked on the same grill as your burger, but I do care if you cook your meat on the rack above it - or on top of the veggies that you were planning on serving me as my entire meal- so the drippings can soak my dinner. I don't mind picking lunch meat out of a sub sandwich at a conference or meeting, but I do mind having to pick pepperoni off of a pizza. The grease can't be "picked off" and it WILL make me sick. I'm polite about it - and I make sure to say that it's nothing personal, I'm sure it's delicious, but I haven't eaten meat in so long that when I do (on accident, a few times) it makes me very ill. Once I explain that it will make me sick, not just that I'm being a picky brat, most people are usually okay. There are a few that have told me that it's all in my head, but those are just the houses I don't go back to!

And as for times when I'm the host, I plan a meal that can be enjoyed by all of my guests. I don't include meat (and honestly, you guys don't want a vegetarian cooking your meat. I don't know how.), but I also don't serve tofu or other meat substitutes. I refused to pay for food I couldn't eat at my own wedding, so we did an "action station" where the caterer made pasta dishes to order - two types of pasta, alfredo or marinara, shrimp, chicken or veggies. Everyone got what they wanted. I'm not going to cook meat at home, but I usually do brunch or a pasta dish where meat won't be expected, anyway, and the lack there of won't be noticed. People who eat meat can eat French toast, fruit salad and skillet potatoes and be perfectly satisfied. I bet they've even made that at home, for themselves, many times. But once someone knows you're vegetarian, they suddenly NEED meat in every meal. My mom's husband is the WORST! I once made pasta with creamy mushroom sauce, salad with gorgonzola and strawberries, roasted asparagus and garlic bread (with whole cloves of garlic baked in) and though he ate a generous serving, he still "had to" stop off at a drive-through on the way home. I made margherita pizza on the grill with home-grown basil and tomatoes and he left my party to run to the store for pepperoni and canadian bacon while I made more crust for *his* pizza. That same night, I made grilled peaches (home grown) with home-made vanilla bean ice cream and he told me how his mom's ice cream is better and then proceeded to call her at the dinner table to get me the recipe that I didn't ask for! The last straw was this past Christmas when I OK'd bringing bacon or sausage, as a side dish, pre-cooked and he showed up with an entirely separate main course of biscuits and sausage gravy to my carefully planned brunch and then proceeded to try to cook sausage in my kitchen with my cookware and utensils! I was furious! So, for the person who was complaining about a vegetarian friend who wouldn't let you cook meat in her kitchen, she's not the only one! I know my cookware can be washed, but that demonstrates a lack of respect. My husband will occasionally cook fish in my cookware, and we're happy to put real burgers and hot dogs on the grill (in fact, we buy them most of the time) or buy a "meat-lovers" pizza, but I draw the line at someone bringing their own meat to cook in my kitchen (not on the grill) when there's plenty of food that they can eat just because they don't WANT to eat a meal without it!

When it comes down to it, I don't think that vegetarianism requires any different consideration. As a host, you do your best to accomodate your guests and ensure a pleasant evening. As a guest, you do your best to not be a bother. Everyone should offer to bring something to a dinner party - vegetarian or not - just because it's polite. The host can decline - I usually do - but it's kind to offer. Your issues are your issues and you do your best to make sure they're no one's problem but your own. And at the end of the night, the host thanks their guests for coming, the guests thank their host for their hospitality, and everyone is welcome to hit up a drive through on the way home, so long as you never let your host know you did it. It just seems like with with the issue of vegetarianism, those norms of polite behavior are somehow excused - on both sides. It's not rocket science, it's basic hospitality and graciousness. Period.

Letting a hostess know your dietary restrictions is easy, but remember that you do not need to speak up for every event. http://theetiquettespot.com/hostess-vegetarian