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when I was younger, I assumed it would be formal -- as it was for my parents. My mother dressed up, and used the china. My dad mixed the drinks. By the time I was 14, I was catering their events, and getting requests.

Maybe it is because we never actually had the wedding, and the presents of china and crystal that goes along with it, but we still don't have the china -- we just have bits and pieces -- or maybe it is because we are either renovating a house or having a child, but we cannot muster the energy or enthusiasm for anything formal. Still, I would like to develop more grace (and more systems) so as to have people over more often. It is sad how few people actually have friends over for dinner, or are able to cook a nice meal (without resorting to take-out, or, worse yet, prepared foods).

A series on easy entertaining, from casual ideas for a nice, effortless table to easy meals that are worthy of guests, would be really nice. Because sharing a meal with friends -- with good food, good wine and good conversation -- is next to heaven in my book.

I don't have formal things--china or silver or crystal--but have spent too many hours thinking through menus and making elaborate meals that are good but not necessarily memorable (I'm a fine cook, but its not like I'm reinventing cooking). It finally dawned on me that people don't care that much about the food, though they do want it to be edible.

Just yesterday morning we invited a couple over for dinner last night. It was last minute so I made a fairly simple dinner and dessert, they brought wine and we sat at the table talking until the candles burned out. It was perfect.

In my life there is a place for both. There is nothing quite like a formal meal, well prepared and executed to really stimulate conversation. That said, there is nothing that can kill conversation faster than something that is too formal or caught up.

I also love the informal, sit around, everyone participates and eats and enjoys the company of informal situations.

I think of a classic southern line, as repeated by Julia Sugarbaker, "Manners and etiquette are meant to put your guests at ease, not to make you feel superior. If your guests are uncomfortable or uptight, you have bad manners."

regarding that Julia Sugarbaker quote ...

That would be nice if it were true and it's how things should be. But much of formal manners/etiquette was in fact expressly created to delineate class differences. It may not be "nice" by modern sensibilities, but all those fiddly little rules that have trickled down from the Edwardian era (and earlier) stem from traditional ways of knowing your place in the social system and proving your worthiness to advance.

I agree with angorian that some rules were created to delineate class differences, but they also were created to put people at ease. There are fewer misunderstandings and people can focus on conversation, among other things, when people aren't constantly worrying about the appropriate way to act.

And back to the original point, I think lack of common rules for behavior has partly contributed to declines in formality. Indeed many people don't have the necessary trappings or time to plan a formal dinner, but I think many people refrain from hosting them because they don't know how to set the table or how to deliver invitations, etc.

Casual entertaining certainly has its place in any home, but I strive to occasionally dress things up. It is a pleasure to escape the everyday at home -- and to not have to always celebrate at a fancy restaurant.

With 2 toddlers a formal dinner invites dissapoinment for me anyway.casual means things can go wrong and it is still ok.

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A group of friends up in the very informal town of Bellingham Washington (all fleece-wearing outdoors-people, biologists and climbers, most with multiple children and dogs) throw a "more formal than normal" dinner party every year. Everyone gets very dressed up in thrift-store formals and suits and they sip cocktails and share a sit-down candle-lit dinner together. Some of the women wouldn't be caught dead in a skirt under normal circumstances, but I tell you, everyone looks forward to "more formal than normal" night. Perhaps a sense of humor -and even the absurd - goes a long way in the celebration of formality.

I am definitely informal. I just have more fun at informal events and think other people do too. Even more formal events like holiday dinners and what not end up being pretty informal. Maybe I don't even know what "formal" is supposed to be for a dinner party?

I think Angorian and Ottan nailed it--there's nothing wrong with sticking with the etiquette that works and puts people at ease while dropping the silly rules that don't make sense.

I'm a little torn by this post. On one hand, I have never thrown a dinner party that required that people get super dressed up, or sent written invitations, etc. On the other hand, when we invite people over for dinner we serve drinks beforehand, visit over cheese or hors d'oeuvres by the fire, I serve three courses at a candlelit table with cloth napkins, etc. Of course, we use candles and cloth napkins every night, as I did growing up, even if we're eating leftovers.

I think it makes people feel special and appreciated when we take the time to make a dinner party special--and I feel like the post is implying that by using our (not at all fancy) wedding china it's not fun? I don't know. We always end up going through lots of wine and lingering at the table for a long, long time over good conversation and laughs. I'm sad to think that it's considered somehow less authentic or well-meaning because we do things a bit more formally.

I think there's an occasion for both formal and informal, though the post clearly has a negative bias towards "formal".

The point of formal to me is that you go to more effort for your guests (pretty table, pretty food, nice music, etc). Historically, this might have been to impress them, show them how much money you had, etc. But now, I think it's to show them that you care for them and think them worth the effort to make that fancy meal for a special occasion.

I love informal parties too though. That you don't have to plan in advance, or cook all day for.... you can just randomly invite people over to share your meal and their conversation.

I wouldn't say one is more or less fun, or more or less about community. The only difference to me is the amount of effort put into preparation.

We invite people over for dinner (or breakfast or dessert) because we love them. Sometimes it's more intimate - we set the table and it's the closest thing I've ever known to formal, but it usually winds up being a dozen or fifteen people, and I stack up plates and let everyone serve themselves. If it's breakfast on the weekend, people often come in their pjs. But Firenze, I may steal your "more formal than normal" party idea because it sounds perfect for our friends, who are always looking for an excuse to be in costume.

I don't think anyone is trying to say that one way or the other is more meaningful or well-intentioned. I think the idea here is that different people are comfortable hosting different ways (and "guesting" in different ways, for that matter). Play to your strengths, even if those strengths are in the "let me buy you lunch" camp! I'm always in favor and appreciative of thoughtfulness and good-intentions.

I love having people I like and love over to my little place that I love so I can feed them, see them, talk to them, and we can all enjoy each other. With those basics in place, the actual eating part is up to whatever I feel I can pull off.

Usually, it's the "grab a plate, cycle along the table, grab an empty seat, balance your plate on your lap (if there are more than 6 of us, my table won't fit us), and just gab and nosh." Sometimes, though, I'll unfold the table and bring out courses (or send them out, if I'm cooking as we go, talking to my guests from my kitchen a few feet away).

And once, a week after I finished my French Cuisine course, I recreated what my chef-instructor dubbed "The Summer Hoo-Ha"--the final five-course meal my classmates and I made for the one or two guests we'd each invited. The class final was fun for all of us, and it was the closest most of us would get to ever working an actual dinner service. Our guests loved it, too, because most of them had never gotten to experience a formal sitdown dinner. I decided to treat four of my good friends who I knew had never experienced a formal dinner, and it was such a great time! When they weren't sitting down to eat, they were clustered in my kitchen, watching me cook, gabbing and asking questions. I definitely didn't do it to impress them, but to treat them to the best I could muster to make it fun for all of us and challenging for me.

Also, during my last dinner party, and informal sitdown, one of my guests commented on enjoying matching dinnerware. It was the same set I served my French formal dinner on--$10 for four full place settings, but with a pretty pattern. There were five of us, and we'd try to be "out-gracious" by trying to nab the unmatched dish for the next course. That alone was good for a lot of laughs! ;)

I like a good mix of formal and casual. You can sit at a nicely set table with matching china, nice wine glasses, put a cloth napkin on your lap, eat a three-course meal, but have a very casual conversation with people you feel comfortable with. Bring up any subject you want, you tease, joke and laugh. That's my kind of dinner.

On the other hand, I like having people over just for drinks and appetizers too. But no matter how casual a gathering is, you have to have nice wine glasses. Nothing ruins a good bottle of wine more than water glasses or plastic cups.

I like doing both. We host maaaany informal dinners, either pot lucks or smaller meals to precede board games. When we have 6-8 guests, we tend to go a little overboard. We're actively working on simplifying our routine (soup suppers, etc.) to require less time and money. If we spend less, we can have people over more.

I like the table to look nice and somewhat formal--or at least beautiful. Most of our friends (and us) have kids, and I think it's really nice to signal that this is a little bit of a celebration--time out from the kid induced chaos, even if they are at the table. The kids usually like it to, and are usually pretty well behaved. Sometimes my cooking isn't that formal--I'd rather throw something together than not have people over because I only have a little time to cook. For us, having dinner parties are our primary form of entertainment and socializing, so it's worth the trouble to make it happen.

I have never been able to pull off "formal" when throwing my own parties, but I come from a family that was very good at it and I have to say that I have a certain nostalgia for it. Just as with formal Zen practice, there is something tremendously fulfilling about sitting down for a long, delicious meal at a table where each and every fork, glass and plate - all implements great and small - is in its right and proper place and where there is a shared consensus about how and when to use them all. The other thing about these affairs in my family is that they were always a tremendous amount of fun. Everyone usually got very witty, made little speeches, proposed toasts and, essentially, shone like a little star - even the relatives who I didn't usually like - because they were all supported by the common understanding of what was going on.