A friend offered to help me with the final canning of my 3-Day Apricot Jam last week. I didn't need the help--it was only a few jars after all-- but he really seemed to want to come over and he's good company, so I said ok.
And while I could have done it alone, I'm sure glad I didn't because company in the kitchen, even my tiny one, is a really wonderful thing.
Because my kitchen is small, I often cook alone or at best with one other person stepping in here and there. And while there is a simple, single-minded efficiency to that, truth is it can become a little too insular, a little too controlling. When I say yes to an offer for help, someone else's ideas and energy are brought into the mix. It takes me out of my own head which is a big relief and, frankly, a lot more interesting.
I've been watching my tendency to be too self-suffcient, not asking for help when needed or refusing help when it's offered. What's that all about? A friend and I recently drove downtown to check out a new fried chicken spot and got a parking ticket as a result. She offered to help pay and I refused, for a lot of reasons that seemed good at the time. But when I got home, I had second thoughts. We both participated in the event, I cannot afford the ticket, she offered...
So this summer I'm going to try to say yes more often. Maybe I'll cram three eager helpers in my kitchen, let my guests do the dishes or allow a friend pay for a dinner. Saying yes is accepting an offer to be more intimate, allowing someone into my life in a deeper way. A little risky, yes, but ultimately the way to go. In the end, what will be more important: efficiency or intimacy? Perfection or relationships? Having it my way or the messy, complex, sweet mash-up of friendship?
Related: Do You Like Cooking by Yourself or with Others?
(Image: Dana Velden)
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view Daigan's profile
Thanks so much for this post! I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. My boyfriend always offers to help whenever I cook dinner, but I'm never sure how to incorporate him into something I'm so used to doing entirely on my own. We recently make sushi together on the good advice of this site (turns out boyfriends like to play with their food as much as kids do) and it was a blast. After that pleasant experience, I'd really like to make more of an effort to let him into my kitchen.
view Sofistafunk's profile
I think part of the reason we refuse help is that we're never sure if someone is offering out of a sense of being obligated to make that offer or if they genuinely want to help. In the case of cooking, if they offer, it's almost certainly genuine. In the case of your speeding ticket, perhaps not.
I once had a friend come by for socializing and we decided to get some take-out food rather than cook so that we'd have more time to do whatever we were doing. We paid for everything and she offered to cover her share after the fact. We said that it was okay, we'd pay. She insisted and then I accepted. After I accepted, she said, "that was fast", and went on to say I was supposed to refuse three times (and that she'd offer three times). In other words, she was upset at me for accepting her offer and tried to make me feel cheap for accepting on the second offer rather than refusing whatever set number of times she felt I should. Her offer to pay was never genuine in the first place.
So, this is why we say "no" when we might feel like saying "yes". People are often not sincere and playing some sort of social obligation game.
view Orchid64's profile
Thanks for the post! "Yes," is such a simple word, however it's not so simple to say it..
view Ldub8's profile