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"Courtesy Helping" meant we had to at least try a spoonful everything offered (including veggies). This was the rule whether we were at home, at a restaurant, or someone's home.

I wish we'd had codes like that! Good stuff. Gonna use it.

Not necessarily a dinnertime-only code, but my mom would always make a subtle slice motion across her throat if my dad brought up a sensitive topic. Funny, it never happened the other way around...

We also had the "courtesy bite" rule where we had to at least try everything offered. I'd never heard of the FHB code until my Mom and my Step-dad got together. Turns out his Mom would say that when there were guests like you mentioned above, or when they wen't out to eat, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. In my step-dad's case it meant that he didn't get to drink a cherry coke with dinner or order a dessert afterwards.

Oh wow, I thought my grandmother was the only one who used the FHB! We use it all the time in my family ... we even sometimes have to use it just for me ... birdie_dc Hold Back ... heh heh heh.

Never heard of it, but good idea! This isn't related, but for some reason it reminded me, that my mother always fixed spaghetti & meatballs when my cousin came over. She said "I never know how much he'll want to eat!". She didn't want to fix anything that where everyone got a single serving (like chicken breast or steak). He wasn't even chubby or anything! I have NO idea what she stressed about!

In my (Chinese) family, there was no need for such a code. Guests would each be served, very ceremoniously, a generous portion of the "good stuff" at the table and then the rest of the dish divided amongst the family, or left for a family-style free-for-all.

hm. In our house, we dealt with this by making a TON of food. I mean, you wouldn't want the guests to feel they have to hold back because they see you holding back. And don't you always want leftovers of the good stuff?

I agree with Michelle- I only serve food at parties if there is enough for everybody; family should enjoy the special stuff too!

(I'm jewish, and I make TONS of food :)

I've never heard of this before. In my (Jewish) family, if there wasn't enough food for everyone to take home leftovers, it was a huge embarrassment for whomever the hostess was.

Is that so?

We didn't have rules like this as an Asian/Catholic family, we made mountains of food for parties. There was always too much food, regardless of economic impact to the monthly budget. It was simple what was "done".

I'll have to remember this. But only at one aunt's house. my grandfather and mother always makes double to send food home.

"Family Hold Back" was a common phrase at my Southern family gatherings. There was ALWAYS enough food, but it was a reminder to the children to let the guests be served first, and to not take too large of portions (the first time around). I'm not sure where it originated, but even now it's used at large family dinners.

Our next-door neighbour told us about it -- I found it strange, because we never invited people without making generous amounts for everybody... Plus, since it seems to be a common enough signal, how would you feel as a guest when family members were told this? I'd feel very uncomfortable about accepting food on offer.

Mind you, my mother never served a tiny rack of -- lamb? veal? -- like Mary did on the Mary Tyler Moore Show... remember that episode? Lou served himself and took 3 portions, and Mary had to get him to put back 2 of them...

We made only food we could afford to serve comfortably in our house -- both to our guests and to family members.

We never had a problem like this in my house growing up, my Dad was the cook in the family and he's the type of guy who would make a whole turkey, a big prime rib roast and a spiral ham for one meal just because he knew people liked different meats, and when one cousin became vegetarian he started making 6 or 7 vegetables as well.

My husband and I have a look we give each other if we think the other one won't like something - it's pretty subtle so as not to offend anyone. This comes in handy at family potluck dinners (most things are sadly, inedible).

I was directed to your site by my niece who thought our family was the only one that used FHB. Cool to see that others found that. I would like you to explore another expression my mother used and that I've always wondered where it came from. When she was trying to get a kid to try a new food and the kid was resisting, she would say, "Give it a try. You'll think a flock of pigeons flew out of your britches." My guess was that it was from the writings of P. G. Wodehouse, of whom she was a big fan, but I've never found it in my readings of Wodehouse. If anybody has heard this one before or has any idea where it came from, I'd like to know.

We used it, but it always bothered me that the guests would know what it stood for as well and feel bad. I think a family-specific code word would be better.

To ease the concern of those preaching generosity, it only came up in the case of unexpected guests or where something got ruined and we had to make do.

What a beautiful photo that is from LC. So wonderful that they are available on Flickr.

my mom always says this - so i get weird looks when i say it to people who have no idea what it means.

The "courtesy helping" reminds me of the "no thank you portion" on Pinky Dinky Doo. (If you have a toddler you know what I'm talking about, eh?) It's the very small portion you take when you don't know if you like it but haven't tried it before. When someone ask you to try something new.