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while i do agree that it's impolite, i also recognize that people are inherently curious and are bound to ask. i would prefer to let guests know who's invited, mostly so they don't accidentally "spill the beans" to the uninvited and avoid the potentially awkward moment of, "oh, i thought you were coming too," conversation. ew.

I am so guilty of "spilling the beans" to uninvited guests. On several occasions even. So, when I have a party and invite people over I usually just let them know who else is coming - or I invite with evite so everyone can see who is coming.

I think it's okay to ask after you've accepted the invitation. And I agree with Rebecca, sometimes it's good to let people know who's invited so that beans aren't spilled :) I like to know who's else is coming so that we can share rides or show up together, and it would be mega awkward if I tried to set up a ride with an uninvited guest.

and look what happened because they didn't tell Larry who was coming...
if a guest asks, tell them. but I don't think it's rude to ask in the first place, no.

While it's impolite to overtly ask before accepting, I think it's equally impolite to keep your guests in the dark.

There's something very thirteen-year-old-girlish about keeping a guest list a secret from the guests themselves.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask. As others mentioned about "spilling the beans," I just recently had an awkward "oh, you weren't invited?" moment. :|

I also like to know for situations where I might only know the host - it's not proper etiquette, but it's also not fun as a super shy person to sit around for a few hours awkwardly making small talk with people I barely know (or worse - with people I don't like). I like to be prepared and know if I'll have a buddy/ally for the evening. I've also posed the question as less "who's coming" and more "I'll know people, right?"

Yikes - I think I've been breaking an etiquette rule my whole life.

I think asking before you've accepted is rude because, yeah, it gives the host the impression that they aren't enough motivation for you and you need convincing. Thanks so much.

Asking after, though, is just curiosity and helps avoid the awkward moments. And I agree with Searchgirl, being the shy person who knows no-one else sucks. I'll often decline invites if I know I won't know anyone else there so I try to avoid doing that sort of thing to friends.

I agree with akay: I think it's basic courtesy on the part of the host to spread the word on who's coming.

Not that there should be hard and fast rules, but I like hosts who say something like, "great! I'm so glad you'll come! So-and-so is going to be there, remember her from such-and-such? And some of my friends from such-and-such who you haven't met yet. It should be about eight of us."

Even if accepting means you're up for anything, it's nice to have some idea of what to expect/look forward to.

I agree it is definitely rude to ask before accepting or declining for the same reasons that have been mentioned.

However, I disagree that guests absolutely need to be informed of everyone who is being invited. Do inform them of the type of gathering, a small group of couples, a mix of friends and family, just the single girls, etc. Leave out names, however. Here is why: If you tell everyone who is invited and some people can't make it so you then invite others, the rest of your guests will now know who the fill-in/replacement person is. There is also the chance that discussion will come up regarding why so-an-so couldn't come, which is gossipy and can get awkward. For the shy/socially anxious types or if someone expresses concern, sure, name a few people that have confirmed they will attend to make them comfortable, but be warned that they could reciprocate with, "oh, you're not inviting so-and-so?"

I also think sending out email invitations where recipients can see the names of others who received the invite and their contact info is not considerate. Again, if they decline, it raises intrusive questions. It also publishes their email addresses and perhaps they don't want it known to everyone you invite. Also, 'evites' (besides being impersonal) tend to encourage the practice of not replying until you see other people do so and basing your decision on who says what.