The Night Your Kitchen Tools Freaked Out Over Who Was Going to Be Picked for the White Elephant Party

The Night Your Kitchen Tools Freaked Out Over Who Was Going to Be Picked for the White Elephant Party

435731679e6b9f054ae8affcee280ee49a44f0b3?w=240&h=240&fit=crop
Cambria Bold
Dec 3, 2015
(Image credit: Emma Christensen)

'Twas the night of the white elephant party, and all through the kitchen the tools were stirring. (Especially the wooden spoon.) Word on the countertop was that one of the RUTs — the Regrettable Unitaskers, for those who aren't familiar with interior kitchen cabinet slang — was on deck to be that year's giveaway, and tensions were high.

"It's going to be me! I know it's going to be me," sobbed Avocado Saver to Salad Spinner. "I can't keep any avocados green. I've tried, but they all turn on me anyway." Salad Spinner whirred in sympathy. "You should have seen the look on Cook's face the last time. She chucked me in this drawer and I've been here now for six months. This is the end," he said, and wrapped his strap tighter around himself.

(Salad Spinner had no such worry. Like Can Opener, she was a unitasker, yes, but a coveted NUT, or Necessary Unitasker, and thus probably safe.)

"No, no. It's going to be me," said Asparagus Peeler. "I'm only good for a couple weeks in April when asparagus is in season, and half the time Cook forgets to use me when she sees Peeler." (Peeler, upon hearing this, flipped his blade around, a gesture best translated as, "Hey man, whaddya gonna do?")

"Oh, please. You guys don't know what you're talking about," said Banana Slicer. "When Cook realized I can only slice a banana 2.6 seconds faster than Paring Knife, she literally said, 'Why would anyone use this when you can just use a paring knife?'" Strawberry Slicer, Avocado Slicer, and Egg Slicer all nodded vigorously in agreement.

(All the slicers hate Paring Knife. Paring Knife, for his part, couldn't care less about the rumblings of the slicing underlings in the lower drawers. His conspicuous spot high on the magnetic knife strip has made him very smug.)

"Well, it's not going to be me, that's for sure" said Electric Pizza Maker. "I make pizza. Nobody in their right mind gives away a tool whose sole purpose is to make delicious pizza. I mean, how else are you going to make it at home?" Oven flicked on his light, but no one noticed.

"I feel the exact same way, Electric Pizza Maker," said Yonanas Banana Ice Cream Maker. "You know how trendy one-ingredient ice cream has become. I'm, like, providing a public service. There's no way to blend frozen bananas or frozen fruit without me. Oh, what — you think Food Processor can do the same thing? Please — Cook doesn't want her banana ice cream tasting like hummus, and you know Dishwasher has been really crappy lately." The other tools shrugged. She had a good point.

"Everyone, cut it out."

It was Le Chef's Knife. He and Cutting Board were the kitchen's power couple. When they spoke, all the other tools listened.

Only thing is, he could only speak in cutting terms.

"I'm not going to mince words. Stop your snipping! In the cutthroat world of kitchen tools, not everyone can make the cut. You've got to be a cut above the rest. Now, chop, chop. Everybody look sharp!"

(It wasn't always very helpful when Le Chef's Knife spoke, but he had seniority.)

The night was getting on. Measuring Cups and Mixing Bowls nestled closer together, relieved that they weren't up for grabs. So too Whisk and Wooden Spoon; Strainer and Microplane; Skillet and Stand Mixer. If there was ever a time to be glad you had an unimpeachable spot on all those kitchen essential lists, this was the time.

Not so for the RUTs.

And Cook just walked in the door ...

Created with Sketch.