I only say something to immediate family.

I would not expect to be invited back if I started telling the host how to cook.

Your current instinct is correct. No one likes to hear that they're doing it wrong. If you're close with this person, maybe consider giving a Cook's Illustrated book for the next holiday. They're great at explaining good technique.

Be helpful with tips, but don't be overbearing. I always hate a know it all in the kitchen!

I have had to stop myself at a brunch when someone changed the stovetop temp on what I was helping to cook, and I also had to stop myself from saying, "You are going to KILL the eggs if you scramble them like that." I figure I should only really call the shots in my own kitchen.

That said, I have kicked a friend out of her own kitchen after she opened the oven too many times.

Consider the stress levels of the cook. I love cooking for friends, having dinner parties, etc, but while I am in the midst of it my mind is filled with the processes of what I'm doing. Interruptions and unsolicited advice can completely throw off someone's cooking game. Maybe ask questions as the prep work is being done, like the editor suggested. Perhaps ask about a certain recipe. If you think a butterflied tenderloin should broil about 8-10 minutes, ask about that when it goes in the oven or if you don't see the cook setting a timer. Perhaps something like 'So how long does a piece of meat that size have to broil to be medium rare (or whatever temp)?' 'Can I set the timer for you?' 'Can I help? How about I keep track of the time on that for how? How long do you want it in?'

I find that 'Can I help?' all by itself is a useless question but by a guest adding a suggestion of a specific thing to help with is great. The cook doesn't have to think about what task to give the willing assistant and the guest can help manage those things that look like they might get out of hand.

Don't do it, unless it's a mistake that would get you sick.

Seriously, it's not worth the crap that will be spoken behind your back (and this will happen). Just drink the wine, eat the food, thank and go home. You can do things your own way at your own hosted event, and if the mistakes at other's events are that bad just decline the next invitation.

Agreed. Unless the kitchen is on fire, I can't imagine telling someone other than my mother or sisters how to cook.

The only times I have stepped up and said something were when there was risk of food poisoning or salmonella. I had a particularly awkward and vocal moment with someone who was using the exact same equipment, pans, and hands for her sides that were handling raw chicken. (Thankfully, I was not the only one -- just the first. I don't think any of us talk to her anymore, partly because she was caught lying about being a culinary school graduate.)

I'm lucky in that most of people who have invited me to a meal are food-loving folk who want to improve by learning new or more correct techniques and recipes, and we're pretty close friends, so we can be honest.

I once had a friend tell me that she hesitated to invite me for dinner for fear that I wouldn't think the meal was up to snuff. That's a pretty bad feeling (and that was without ever criticizing her cooking!). But frankly people can feel intimidated by cooking for others they perceive to be "better cooks" than themselves. Don't pile on by overtly criticizing, even if all you're trying to do is help. Just enjoy the feeling of having friends and family who care about you enough to make sure you're well-fed! The road to culinary hell is paved with good intentions...

No way I would say anything to someone working their fingers to the bone to feed me. Invite them over to your place for dinner sometime. Then you can turn the conversation to how your cooking method and say "hey, I know you like buffalo so I thought I'd make it tonight, here's how I do it".

don't be a b. be kind.

I'm a professional chef and I stay out of the kitchen when I'm invited to dinner. It's their dinner party and I only give advice when I'm asked to help.

I tend to keep my mouth shut unless asked. After all, I wouldn't want a culinary school graduate criticizing my self-taught home cook skills in the kitchen! Maybe the host likes their meat well-done?

A cooking friend of mine has another friend who absolutely can't cook. That friend loves it when the cook (a home cook, not professional) stays over because then she gets delicious home-cooked food! Of course, not everyone feels that way, but some people feel pressure to cook when they have visitors, even when they don't like to, so it never hurts to offer unspecified "help." I always let people help in the kitchen if they show up early for a party - chopping vegetables or cutting bread, mostly. And they usually ask how I want it done so I'm happy to tell them.

Then again, despite my love of cooking, I'm always open to suggestions, even if they don't always fit into my slightly snobby, I-only-cook-from-scratch mentality. Hosts need to be polite, too. If they can't come up with a specific reason why they do something, they should be open to suggestion. But if they can? The guest should back off and go enjoy the party.

I agree with everyone else. Stay out of it. I like cbreynolds advice the best, stay out of the kitchen.

Not everyone cooks the same way, not everyone likes their food cooked the same way. Think about how different cultures think that something should taste, feel like a certain way different from yours.

I would only offer help with tasks like washing, prepping or cleaning up.

Were you asked for help or advice? Is it something you are actively helping with (aka: you're in the kitchen and cooking eggs), or are you just hanging around talking to people?

Is there a food safety issue? No one wants to be sick.

Otherwise? Shut up, seriously. Unless you don't want to be invited back, in which case, speak up all you like: you'll give them conversation material for their next 3 parties, of the "you'll never guess how this person acted" variety.

It's a dinner party. You're invited over. Act kind and gracious and be grateful for what you're served and for the company you have. It isn't that hard to do.

I agree with the previous replies......only there's something catastrophic happening
!

Oops....meant "only if there's something catastrophic happening"!

I've only spoken up when I noticed the distracted cook had baked the stuffed chicken breasts for under 15 minutes!

I would never say anything. I'm a guest in their home. Unless there's a catastrohe afoot ("Hey, should the flames be that high?") I keep my mouth shut. My MIL is a terrible cook (and knows it) but unless she asks for my help, I keep my mouth shut. I'm just grateful she cares enough to cook or invite us over (not that our relationship is strained; we're actually great friends, but... you get the point).

Well said Ros.

Like anything, I think its all in how you say it. If you propose help or propose something different by saying you'd love to try something new that you just saw/heard about and give them a hand, that can go a long way. If you blurt out "you're doing it wrong", that's obviously not going to go well.
Obviously if there is resistance, let it go. Some people are just set in their ways or have an idea about how to do something and it isn't worth rocking the boat over.

And it also depends on your relationship with the cook. Among my friends, I have a lot of parties and cook a lot for them, so if I proposed something they may be more likely to be up for trying it rather heeding than someone they may not know as well or who they may not be willing to rely on. If you see something going wrong, I think its ok to try to help, just try to be sensitive about it and stay constructive!

Personally I would not; this person has invited me, gave thought to what food to prepare and shopped, set the table, made an effort to organize a lovely evening..... You get it, right? Sometimes It's best not to say anything -unless her actions case Health hazards- but I would refrain unless your advice is asked for. Friends or no friends: we don't want to hurt their feelings.

I think the age of all involved is a factor. In my early 20s, my friends and I made dinner for each other all the time, and we spoke up and butted in all the time because we were all learning together. I'm in my late 40s now. You think I'm doing it wrong? I've been doing it this way a LONG time and my family loves it. So. Of course, DNA is the other factor. My mom and my daughter and I freely talk about kitchen technique in progress.

Just be thankful someone is making you dinner!

When i see somebody doing mistakes in the kitchent i said kindly " ah, i've never done it this way". If the friend want hear your advise, she or he will ask "and how do you do?" If he does't give a raddish, he wont. And anyway, it's just a meal, not big deal.

Outright telling someone that they're messing something up is obviously wrong, but not intervening can also kind of be like not telling someone that there's something green in their teeth. While your host might not recognize that something is going awry, they might still recognize that the end product is messed up and be embarrassed about serving it.

Just use some tact and you can draw attention to something that's doomed to overcook or scorch or whatever without sounding preachy. Asking questions is one route: "I feel like I always overcook salmon -- how do you avoid that?" Sharing something like you've recently learned it is another way: "Want me to take this brie out of the fridge? I just read online that it's supposed to come up to room temp before serving." Or you can offer your expertise in a specific task (ie, you're not the expert at everything): "I've managed to become a master at prepping artichokes -- want to delegate that to me?"

Clearly it depends on your relationship and the situation, but I really don't think the answer here is a flat no.

I do give unwanted advice, but people hate me for it, so I wouldn't recommend it.

Thanks for the advice, and o really honestly never say anything. In my family situation helping int eh kitchen is not allowed and watching is as far as I can go. It's so hard to see food that could taste yummy end up rubbery or whatever! I wish I could stay out of the kitchen and just disappear and not be any wiser, but unfortunately my children and I all must avoid gluten and I have to stand guard. So it is sometimes a food safety/health issue, but I have yet to find a way to nicely tell my mother in law that" no the kids and I can not have your chili if you pour a bottle of beer in it."

I love some of the suggestions for asking if I can help with a particular thing, I think those types of questions will really help out for our weekly church meal. Thanks so much!

There's no way to say anything without sounding like a meddling busybody, no matter how good your intentions.

Only be friends with people who know how to cook.

I always welcome cooking advice. Many times, my guests have been happy to step in whilst I watch how they do it. I don't think your host should be annoyed if you are tactful.

When it comes to doneness of meat, there is a little flexibility, as it's so subjective you can make a bit of a joke out of it. otherwise, you need to segue your advice in carefully, as suggested, as a tip or as you have only come across this tip recently and need to share.

Nope..I keep my mouth shut. I've been in that situation before (on Christmas night, no less) where the food was so, so, horribly undercooked and flavorless that when we got home, I had to reheat leftover pork tendorloin and mac n cheese. This was one of my husband's family members whom I know well and still keep quiet. Worst dinner EVER, but my husband and I can now get some good jokes about it.

I wouldn't speak up unless there was a food safety issue or something was obviously going wrong--on fire, boiling dry, dripping blood, whatever.

Although I think a private "Oh! Do I smell something burning?" to the chef is a gentle way to call their attention to something that is overcooking. I mean, I would hate to serve something ruined to my guests and would appreciate a discreet heads up from someone--like someone telling you you have spinach in your teeth. But you have to be careful that the dish is objectively on its way to ruin in order to do this--not just a little dry or well done.

I have to admit, I'd be sorely tempted, but I'd normally keep quiet. I find it incredibly off putting when I have guests watching me cook, even if they aren't making suggestions.

If it was a big mistake, for example, I would probably consider it, but I'd still be very hesitant! I'd rather have a good relationship than good food, and the first is more likely to turn sour than the latter.

There's more than one way to cook an egg. My boyfriend hard boils them it in a completely different way than I've ever seen recommended or done, and they're fantastic. The first time I saw him do it, I was like "whaaaaa?"

So maybe you are missing out on a learning opportunity.

Many of my friends enjoy cooking with others. With us, it depends on the occasion. If it's a group meal, we often chat about what we're doing. If dinner is being made for you, don't presume you know the recipe.

No. We must also remember that not everyone shares the same aspirations. I recall several arguments with a friend who is a much more ambitious cook than I am. I am happy to make a good meal with wholesome ingredients. But I rarely par boil, pre sautee, or do anything that will leave me in the kitchen for longer than 20 minutes. Even if it brought my meals to higher culinary levels. Yes, I still love you dear friend, but no, I will not brine, marinade, and debone the chicken. Ever.

I agree with MGBush504 (for many of the same reasons!). My husband and I used to dread dinner invitations to my MIL's because not only could she not cook but she also had an uncanny knack for putting something on the menu that everyone loathed. Brussels sprouts for my husband, blue cheese for me, hearts of palm for my SIL... You get the idea. It was uncanny — chicken cutlets that were burnt on the outside and nearly raw in the middle... Brussels sprouts that were gray and mushy, but with a hard little BB in the middle... We ate what we could, shoved the rest around the plate to make it look like we had eaten some, and then went out to the local hamburger joint afterwards. Life's too short to worry about someone else's cooking.

I only say something if my safety is at risk....I have learned this the hard way by politely eating a neighbor's under-cooked shrimp and getting food poisoning. If it is my immediate family, I often give my advice but never at a dinner party. I try to stay out of the kitchen unless they really want help

Do not say a word or you may find yourself the chef and not the guest! Enjoy the company and offer to help clean up, help set the table, and always tell your host how wonderful everything is!

oh wow, I would NOT give unsolicited advice in this situation. Keep the focus on being together and enjoying each other, not the "right" way to cook something -especially because there is usually more than one way to do something and newbie cooks should be encouraged, not criticized. Even well-meant guidance will probably come off as criticism. That said, I guess I'm pretty quick to tell my husband stuff in the kitchen. hm. Maybe I should treat him more like a friend and back off.

I catered parties for 25 years, and feel stongly that your role as a guest is to enjoy yourself and help the other guests to enjoy themselves. Do not concern yourself with criticism or stressing about anything--just have fun and be happy.

too many cooks spoil the broth.. stop at the drive thru on the way home and keep a friend feed your stomach and not starve a friendship.. silence is golden

I could write pages about this! I agree with Ros and MBush and many others who reminded us that we are guests and, as such, should act gracious. Someone is working hard at something they may or may not be skilled at, but they are offering to share their home and food with you. In my view, this may be the ultimate act of kindness and hospitality - providing you (ideally) with a warm and caring environment in which they offer something they have carefully prepared to nourish your body, physically and socially.

Food can and should bring people together, not drive them apart. I have seen it transcend language and cultural barriers. Several years ago, we hosted some lovely women from the Republic of Georgia. They spoke Georgian, some Russian, and very little English. I spoke no Georgian or Russian and was somewhat surprised when they joined me in the kitchen as I began to prepare the evening meal. Nonetheless, together, we all snapped green beans, pitted cherries for pie, and tested the pasta for doneness. We had a terrific homemade meal that was far from fancy but one I remember vividly to this day as being filled with laughter and genuine caring. Afterward, they helped wash and dry the dishes and tidy up. The bonds of friendship were formed immediately and still remain strong.

Let food unite! And where it doesn't, let there be forgiveness.

If I do it to my sister - i get a crossed eyed look, a refill on my wine, and pointed to the living room

If I do it to my mother - I get a crossed eyed look, a smack with the spatula and pointed to the living room

If I do it to a friend - I get my wine replaced with cooking utensils, an apron, and lose my comfy to seat to the host, who is now reclined and enjoying the conversation while I'm left in the kitchen

Just refill your wine and enjoy the conversation :)

Yeah I just eat it and compliment what I can. For the most part, a meal is someone's hard work and their feelings re right there with it. I have had a my fair share of awkward meals though! My friend, newly married, made my husband and I "paprika chicken" which was about two tablespoons of paprika per chicken bite it about tasted like. When I left my poor husband heard the twenty minute lecture on the spice and its purposes in dishes, but not my friend, I ate every bite and complimented the juicy chicken and lovely color.

My advice is to say nothing unless you're asked for your opinion. You are a guest, not the cook. Sometimes things turn out fine, even though they're not done your way or by following "the rules" and sometimes different or "wrong" techniques work out great. If it doesn't turn out properly, oh well. You're there for the companionship, not to be a food critic.

@ dec407: Taking a break from The Cure & catching up on some reading here. Just popping in to say thanks for the inspiring post. (and maybe you SHOULD write pages in this subject ;)

THIS is wisdom:

"Let food unite! And where it doesn't, let there be forgiveness.

Oh yes, keep your mouth shut. Even if it's dry and tasteless, smile and be a gracious guest.

As far as food contamination concerns go: out of sight, out of mind. Even professional kitchens do things you would rather not see. Besides, the rare organism here and there merely exercises the ol' immune system.

I have quite the opposite problem with my boyfriend's mother who CONSTANTLY asks my opinion about EVERY detail, but always after everything is plated. It is so incredibly exhausting and goes far beyond considerate to unpleasant. Does anyone know a polite way of letting her know that this persistence unnecessary?

For us, this is precisely what defines friendship. We speak our minds with friends who do likewise (which is why we are all friends). With acquaintances and our birth families, we do not.