I have this thing about kids and sugar. I don't think they make such a great combination and I grip to this conviction, hard. When she was much younger, I used to tell my daughter that she could have sweets when she was five. Five seemed like a safe and far-away target, but as it approached, I knew I had to keep my promise.
So last weekend, as we said goodbye to four and hello to five, I let go of my no-sugar rule and made her what she really wanted: a sugary sweet birthday cake complete with edible pink glitter.
It was a transformational moment for us both.
When she turned three I gave Ursula a "cheese cake" — a giant wheel of Cypress Grove's Truffle Tremor. Already, she knew this was an odd choice. For her fourth birthday I made two rock-hard, cardboard-dry poached apple cakes; she wasn't psyched.
This year, I went all out. I invented a cuatro leches cake, a riff on the traditional tres leches cake, the spongy chiffon cake doused in condensed milk, evaporated milk and heavy cream. For my cuarta leche (fourth milk) I added coconut milk, then blasted the thing with shaved fresh coconut and a vial of edible pink glitter.
It may not seem like a big deal, but for me, this fifth birthday was a real exercise in loosening my grip and my sense of control. We all have our food issues — tah-dah — there's mine.
No one levitated on a sugar-high, no teeth fell out, but I can say that since that day I've noticed more hugs and "I love you mama" moments with her. Sometimes you can buy a little love. Not with money, but with food, because food is what makes people feel they're being heard, being loved.

Cuatro Leches Cake
makes one double-layer 9-inch cake
For the cake:
1 1/2 cups cake flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar, divided
4 large eggs, separated
1/3 cup evaporated milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
For the leche glaze:
1 cup coconut mlk
1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1/4 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
For the topping:
2 cups heavy cream
1/3 cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 fresh coconut, flesh removed and shredded, about 1 cup
Preheat oven to 350° F.
Grease and flour a 9-inch x 2-inch round cake pan and line with a circle of parchment paper.
In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together the cake flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.
Using either a stand mixer, electric mixer, or a wooden spoon, cream the butter and 3/4 cup of the sugar. Beat in the egg yolks until mixture is uniform in texture and pale yellow. Stir in the evaporated milk and vanilla until well-combined.
In another clean, dry bowl (if using a stand mixer you will need to use a clean bowl or transfer the egg mixture to a separate large mixing bowl) beat the egg whites to soft peaks. Gradually add the remaining 1/4 cup sugar and beat until glossy and stiff.
Fold in one third of the egg white mixture into the egg yolk mixture, then fold in one third of the dry mixture. Alternate in this manner until the ingredients are combined.
Transfer the mixture to the prepared baking pan. Bake 35-45 minutes, until the top is golden brown and the cake springs back when touched lightly across the middle. Remove from oven and cool 10 minutes on a cooling rack then remove the cake from the pan and allow to cool completely.
Meanwhile, while the cake is baking, prepare the leche glaze. Combine all the ingredients in a saucepan and heat over medium until bubbling, stirring constantly. Remove the glaze from the heat and allow to cool slightly.
When the cake is cooled completely, slice it horizontally into 2 even layers. Place each layer on a large plate and spoon the leche sauce evenly over the cake layers, 1/4 cup at a time, waiting about 5 minutes between pours to allow the cake to absorb the glaze. Cover and refrigerate for at least 4 hours, or overnight if possible.
When layers are chilled, prepare the topping. In a small mixing bowl, beat the cream, sugar, and vanilla extract until stiff peaks form.
Assemble the cake by carefully peeling each layer off their respective plates. Place three strips of parchment in a triangle on a cake platter. The triangle should be large enough for the cake to rest on top without sections of the plate showing between the cake and the parchment. Place the original bottom layer, cut side up, on a cake platter. Using an offset spatula or a wide knife, spread a thin layer of the topping across the cut side. Then dump about a cup of topping in the middle and spread evenly across the top right up to the sides. Carefully place the second layer, cut side down, on top and top the rest of the cake with the remaining topping, pushing the cream across the top and down the sides.
Decorate the tops and or side of the cake with the shaved coconut, pressing it carefully into the topping.
Carefully pull away the parchment strips, leaving a clean plate.

Related: Birthday Cake Two Ways
(Images: Sara Kate Gillingham-Ryan)
Kart Serving Tray b...

Comments (56)
I recently had a version of this, 3s leches - no coconut milk, with the addition of rum. Oh goodness, was it good! I'll try the coconut version.....add rum too and maybe pineapple topping for a piña colada!
What a great story! I love the pictures, and the coconut milk idea. I've seen cuatro leches cakes in Mexico City, but I haven't tried them. I'll have to ask what the fourth leche is -- highly doubting it's coconut.
I loved watching this cake take shape through your photos on Instagram. It is so beautiful and it looks delicious. Happy Birthday to your daughter!
I really admire your stance on sugar, I am sure it isn't easy. My mom was quite strict with us and sugar when we were kids, I can actually recall a birthday of mine when she was really, really deep into it, she served me bran muffins with candles stuck into them. I remember being a little annoyed when I was young, then getting a bit older and rebelling against it - I actually babysat for a family that owned a handful of vending machines around the city, their basement was loaded with candy and other various junk foods. They used to tell me to bring my backpack and fill it up with goodies to take home. I thought I was so sneaky. Really all that happened was I would get sick from my immune system being so compromised. Ha ha mom - in YOUR face. Oh wait.
As an adult I now realize what a favor my mom did for me, limiting sugar kept me healthy and shaped my food choices as an adult. I don't crave junky sweets and candies, I don't drink soda, etc. You daughter will one day thank you for that, the same way she did for that 5th birthday cake!
welcome to five, ursula & mama & dad! it's a wonderful time ... and made even sweeter with a bit of sugar. everything in moderation.
A cool story, Sara Kate. Very nice that you kept your promise on the sweets—and with such a delicious sounding cake. And as a regular reader, I'm still stunned to hear that your daughter's five! I remember posts of the two of you preparing your tiny apartment for her arrival.
How did you manage for 5 years? We avoided it until my daughter was 3, but after that the battle was too great. It is hard to raise a sugar free child in a sugar crazy world...
...I've always loved sugar, but I turned out healthy and ok?
@ Lesley T: I don't know if it is the same in Mexico, but in the Caribbean, our cuatro leches often has the addition of dulce de leche (caramelized sweet milk) as the 'fourth milk'.
@Sara Kate: I think you typo'd 'cuarta leche'. Coconut is such a good idea! I can't wait to try this out!
Beautiful cake and beautiful story!
@irenie - "cuarta leche" means fourth milk
I'm with disorganizedmom, how did you do it? I don't have kids yet, but I'm intrigued by the idea. How exactly do you fend off friends and grandparents who want to treat a kid with sugar? Also I have a hard time avoiding sweets myself (probably because of the way I grew up), but it doesn't seem right to not participate in the low/no sugar rule as well.
That looks and sounds delicious! I haven't not allowed my kids sugar. I think it is a matter of balance and teaching nutrition and WHY we don't eat sugar all the time. I let me kids have the "sugary" cereals because I think it is better than Cheerios with 3 tablespoons of sugar on them... as that is what happened at the house I grew up in. Happy Birthday to your daughter! That is such a fun age as they learn new things!
@ Sara Kate: I know. You wrote "cuatra leche" in the post. :)
how lovely (and, um, delicious!) for both of you. i didn't last nearly as long as you, but my older son's first two birthday parties were punctuated by had equally anti-climactic "cakes." truthfully, he barely noticed, but let's just say that his birthday parties were not popular with the grown ups!
Things were totally different with my second. I made a massive chocolately choclate cake for his first birthday and he—we all!—enjoyed every bite. Second birthday coming up next week... maybe I'll try this recipe!!
Such a beautiful cake! I'd love to know where you got or how you made the number 5 topper-- Its adorable!
@irenie - right you are! thanks. fixed.
"Sometimes you can buy a little love. Not with money, but with food, because food is what makes people feel they're being heard, being loved."
This sentence gave me the warmest, happiest feeling! I've never thought about food as a way of telling someone you hear them but it couldn't be more true. Happy birthday to Ursula, her fantasy cake looks delicious!
I love your story! Food does equal love, and what a beautiful gift of love for your beautiful daughter.
Congrats to both of you!
I'm glad you've loosened your stance on sugar somewhat. :) All things in moderation.
The fourth milk in the Miami cuatro leches is dulce de leche. I never have this because it's waaay too sweet for my palate. I prefer a traditional tres leches.
There is such a difference between "now" and "then" in terms of my own life. When I was a kid, cakes were for birthdays and Christmas. Now every time you turn around kids are eating cupcakes & cake. So I understand your point of view but I think of that sad cheese-based birthday as something I hope she's too young to remember later in life.
We all need celebrations, true ones, festive and elaborate, and cake and ice cream just belong there. Not every day, not every week, not every month, but for the day a kid came into this crazy world, a cake is in order!
Beautiful cake! We also avoided sugar with my son, but only until he was four, when he could have a little 'treat' on weekends, i.e. a carrot muffin, or something like that. We didn't even do honey on oatmeal, fresh fruit only. Now that he's five and allowed a few treats during the week, made wholesomely ( we even got him natural lollipops for his stocking last year, as he was begging for some that had no 'chemicals..' ) he goes absolutely nutso for them. Though we have no packaged food in our house, and keep no sweets on hand, he drools over pictures in magazines and talks incessantly about cake and ice cream! So I'm thinking a little de-mystifying is in order, or it might be like War of the Roses... Yikes.
Oh by the way, in case anyone is reading, for my CURRENT age there is nothing I would like more for my birthday than that wheel of cheese!
Could I make the two layers separately as long as I poke holes in them in order to allow the glaze to get in?
I think a "no sweets" approach is analogous to abstinence only sex education: faith based and unlikely to succeed.
I'm confused by your choice to give hundreds of dollars' worth of truffle-infused cheese to your three year old?!?!?!?
@alicelost, yes you can. I always make my tres leches cake in 2 round pans, poke and pour the milks over then let soak overnight in the fridge.
As for the whole sugar thing, well, I know how I was raised and I turned out fine. That's the same approach I'm going to take with my son. I'm going to let my kid be a kid, sugar coated and all. Doesn't work for everyone, fine. But works for me.
Oh dear. I too have promised various things for age five, think it is so far away. And now he is four!
Moderation, true moderation, works best for our family. The kids don't get treats often but when they do they are small and excellent quality. They also eat a ton of good healthy food in between.
It's a constant dance in our house too. But they grow and we do, too. And speaking of growing: how can she be FIVE? Mine is almost five and a half so I guess it makes sense but oh my. She is such an adorable combination of you and your husband.
We kept our girl off the sugar until she was 3, and then I decided that she could have the cake at her friends' birthday parties, yes. It was worth limiting it, and worth letting her in on the idea of limiting it, emphasizing that sweets are a nice treat, not FOOD. She really gets it, and although now she gets more sugar than I think is ideal (school is a big culprit), the war is won. I can now afford to lose battles. She's a healthy eater. Bravo on making it 5 years! And know that she's gonna want that Exact Same Cake With The Very Same Glitter next year. And probably the year after.
Aww...happy birthday to her and what a sweet story!
I know she wasn't totally deprived on the birthday cake front, because I made your birthday Harvest Cake for my non-sweets-loving relatives for Thanksgiving last year and it was a hit! (and yet also satisfied my sweet tooth!)
What a beautiful cake and a story for all mom's. Believe me, mine are in their 20's and on their own and I still have to learn to loosen up. Daily.
I grew up eating loads of sugar whenever I wanted, and now I prefer to bake myself something nice instead of eating candy. My husband came from a very strict household (for health and monetary reasons) and now will eat candy non-stop. You might be on to something, though, by making sugar a special thing.
Happy 5th Birthday Ursula! Youir mama made you a beautiful cake.
I completely agree, SoccerJo. I've often thought that no good can come from rules about food.
I respect what you are trying to do for your children with the sugar. I grew up without any sugar at all (even after five!) and indeed, we were vegan as well, and even raw foodists for my first five years.
There are lessons embedded in food restricting that I don't think parents always intend; some that come to mind are "Our family is different and better" and "Some of the good things in life are not for you". Extremes aren't the healthiest thing, but moderation (so much harder!) nearly always is...well, from my childhood experience.
So I'm telling you, you struggled with an issue my parents didn't quite nail and I think you're a kind, flexible mama for doing it! Also, your kid is so lucky she'll learn how to bake before adulthood ;)
Wow! I'm IMPRESSED you made it five years! I lasted over a year, and even now my son still has no idea what candy is. The most sugar he gets are from the occasional cookie and birthday cake. We just aren't a huge dessert family. My own mother never had cookies or sugary things around, they were treats when we went on vacation or on birthdays. I don't think of myself as deprived. ;)
Good for you, though! Like I said, I'm impressed you made it to five!
I grew up in one of those families with no sugar and no junk food, and I think moderation probably would have been better. One of the important things you need to teach kids is to make good choices, and they don't learn that if never given the opportunity. The kids in my family had a hard time learning self-control around food because what we ate was so tightly controlled for us.
I also grew up in a very strict no processed food/no sugar house. I've never had an issue with self-control, I think its really up to the individual. Though its hard to relate to my husband about childhood treats, I am more than happy I was raised that way. I find myself teaching him A LOT about what's healthy and what's not. His Mom gave him chocolate pudding for breakfast as a kid! He's just now learning about moderation.
I've just decided on my son's fourth birthday cake. Thanks!
Sugary treats have always been freely available in our household (cakes and pastries, chocolate, sweet desserts). It's perfectly normal for French children to have cake for breakfast, or a piece of chocolate sandwiched in a piece of baguette for their 'goûter'. Desserts are the norm. I find that if adults set an example of moderation and eating properly at mealtimes, and no foods are considered 'forbidden', then kids tend not to crave sugary junk food.
Congrats on letting your grip ease just a little! I think you made the right decision -- you gave Ursula a date and then you honored it. Parents who keep their word grow up with kids who trust them. Plus now she knows how good homemade can be!
This cake looks divine. But the stories of the cakes for the 4 previous birthdays sound positively depressing. Cheese for a kid's birthday cake? Woo.
The "no sugar rule" sounds admirable at first glance, but it's too extreme here. Consider my own experience. My mom greatly limited our sugar and sweets. All it did was make me desire them more. Can I try just one box of Frosted Flakes, mom, please, please, oh please! What I'd do for one Hostess Cupcake!! When I left home for college, I reveled in my food freedom. I think I had a week straight of only eating ice cream, just because I could, because it was sweet and creamy, because no one could forbid it anymore. It was glorious and so unhealthy. My weight and my immune system didn't suffer (miraculously), but health is more than just those two components. It took till I was in my early twenties for me to hit diet rock bottom (a chilling moment when I noticed I was actually staring at my own reflection in the pool of greasy oil from a deep fried Twinkie at the fair) before I put on the brakes and ventured back to vegetables and a more sensible diet overall. I wish my mom (and dad, he matters too) had had a less strict rule on sweets. It would've saved me from plunging off the deep end and having to crawl my way back, diet speaking of course.
Of course make the majority of your kid's diet health, but keep the fun stuff in perspective too. Let them live just a little while they're kids. And have a cupcake yourself with them. Every once in a while, we all can use one.
I agree with Sepher.
My family had a store and my uncle had a candy vending machine business, I could have all the candy, bottled drinks, sugary tea, I wanted.
Candy had no glamour for me. I didn't know why other kids thought I was so "lucky."
Cocktails/barware were never seen, except on tv, and they will always reek of glamour, sophistication, and mystery. It's not intoxication I like, just the equipment.
What a beautiful cake!
Also, I heartily commend everyone willing to demystify sugary treats in addition to giving kids a healthy diet.
I grew up with a very hippy style diet, and unfortunately I do struggle with the mass-availability of the "forbidden fruit" of my childhood. I had the same college binge problem as a lot of the other commenters here, and it's an issue I still have to work hard against to this day.
So yeah, demystification good. And compromises are good. So kudos to the cake-maker!
"Everything in moderation, including moderation."
-Julia Child
I love the addition of coconut milk to cake... yum!
We all make choices because we think they are what is best for our children at that time...sometimes we are right on, and sometimes hindsight is 20/20. I hope that after reading these posts those parents who are extremists about certain things realize that teaching moderation is a true life skill that is essential for everyone to learn - whether it be watching TV or eating sugar. The lesson to keep in mind is that everyone wants what they can't have...especially that that is forbidden.
The cake sounds delicious!
I remember when Ursula was born... seems like just last year you and Maxwell brought her home. My son too is turning 5 -- in less than a month; these years have just flow by.
I have to admit that I did wonder the past couple of years whether Ursula actually enjoyed her cakes...
In our house, we've never tried to avoid sugar, but we do try hard to avoid processed foods. The worst foods are processed ones: high in sugar, preservatives, food colorings and artificial flavourings... Developing their palates to appreciate real fresh food tends to limit their desire for the other things. Our daughter now won't drink bottled orange juice (which is horrid compared to fresh-squeezed), store-bought cookies and cakes, or frozen foods.
Still working on the boy...
I am sure that you had sugar growing up, and you managed to"survive", so I don't understand parents who decide that they are going to abolish evil pastimes such as eating a cookie, or having some ice cream, maybe watching a little television. It's known a s "helicopter parenting" and it's not good for children. They need to learn to make the reasonable choices on their own, and they will as they grow up. Give them some credit.
Kids are biologically WIRED to enjoy sweet, sugary food. Breast milk is sweet, for pities sake. Did anyone hear this story on NPR the other day?:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2011/09/26/140753048/kids-sugar-cravings-might-be-biological
Let them enjoy it while they can enjoy it guiltlessly! With rich, whole cream and good flour and real sugar (packaged stuff is awful, but the homemade and good bakery stuff is heavenly). Love this cake, by the way. Good lord, it's gorgeous!
Just as a counterpoint--I wish my parents had had more of your attitude towards sugar. I grew up in a family that had dessert after lunch AND dinner every day and I'm still working to break that habit. And that's all it is anymore--habitual--I don't really want it anymore, but I feel like my body's been trained to feel a meal is not over until I've had something sweet--in the summer now I can pretty easily transfer that to wonderful fresh fruit, but in the winter it's a lot harder. I think you've just waited until an age she can understand more about moderation to introduce sugar and helped her appreciate good, whole, non sugary foods in the meantime...nothing wrong with that!
beautiful cake...but kids need sugar, at least according recent scientific studies, to help their bodies throw growth spurts...but giving it to them in healthy and moderate amounts is the key to them learning what makes for a balanced diet and indeed, a balanced approach to life..
No sugar? Did you keep everything away from your daughter because most everything contains sugar, you know. Especially beets. I'm not trying to be a smart-aleck or anything, but sugar isn't inherently bad for you. Indeed, without sugar, your body would soon begin to fail.
Again, sugar is not, not, naaaaht, inherently bad for you. Too much of it is and I wouldn't think teaching children about moderation while they're growing up is a bad idea, either.
I added a bit of Malibu coconut rum to the cuatro leches liquid. Must easier when no kids are consuming the cake! : )
Am also contemplating a dulce de leche filling while my cake cools...excessive?
A wheel of cheese instead of birthday cake? I would've been dubious about it too and I love cheese...
One should be allowed to be a little loose on the rules on a day of celebration...even my dietician recognizes that.
I find it a little bold to say you 'invented' a cuatro leches cake. I've seen recipes for them before, even using *gasp* coconut milk and/or dulce de leche.