This July we are bouncing some topics and posts back and forth between The Kitchn and one of our favorite food sites, CHOW. One way we're doing this is asking you, our readers, to help advise CHOW's resident etiquette expert, Helena Echlin, who regularly addresses perplexing etiquette dilemmas in her column Table Manners. Here's a question she's working on, and she would like to know how you would answer it!
You’ve been invited to do something, and you don’t want to for reasons that have nothing to do with schedule conflicts. What’s the most polite way to decline an invitation from somebody you care about, when you are totally free that night? Is it okay to say, “I’ve already got too many things going on that week, and know I’ll want to just chill that evening?”
You can see all of Helen's Table Manners columns here:
• Table Manners at CHOW
Some recent favorites include What is the right answer to "can I bring anything?", how to make sure your guests RSVP, and serving leftovers at a dinner party (yea or nay?).
But now to the question at hand: how do you politely turn down an invitation, or say no?
Related: Proper Etiquette: Would You Serve Leftovers to Guests?
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I think it's okay to say, "thanks, I think I'll pass this time, but looking forward to seeing you soon."
you never owe anyone an answer as to why you can't make it. a simple "i'm so sorry, i won't be able to make it" is sufficient, and i like aleec's addition of "looking forward to seeing you soon" - anyone who asks "oh, why can't you make it" is the rude one!
I agree with the above. There is no harm in saying a polite "no thank you, but how about a rain check?". Most friends would not question such a reply nor would I if this was told to me.
I usually force myself to go anyway.
I have a hard time saying 'No' to food:-/ But, when it's a necessary evil, just declining the invite should suffice for any host/hostess. Very few people have ever asked me why, and those that do ask are normally concerned or very close.
"I'm so sorry, I won't be able to make it," is perfectly sufficient. Even "I'm sorry, I have other plans that evening," because that's not a lie. You have plans to spend the evening relaxing, which you are perfectly entitled to. If they pry, then they are the rude ones and you are entitled to say "I'm so glad you're interested in my plans but it's really not your business." I've used that on a particularly insistant and irritating aquaintance before.
I would love to come, but I already have plans that night. Lets get together sometime soon though.
So what if my plans are sitting on the couch with a book and a bag of chips? Those are plans in my world.
"I have so many other things I want to do, so I know I'd rather be alone that evening than see you". That sounds fine, doesn't it?
The person issuing the invitation doesn't need to know the state of your psyche nor does he or she want to know about the rest of your fascinating social life.
Just say no thank you.
It took me a long time to become comfortable with setting boundaries and now a 'No, thank you, but I look forward to seeing you another time' works for me. Noone needs to know what else I'm doing, my private time is my own, thankyouverymuch! (and those times I miss an icky dinner party or one I wasn't excited about accepting an invite to, when I'm at home having a luxurious evening instead in silk pj's with a book or movie, I'm secretly thrilled I chose to maintain my boundaries!)
I find more and more people are revealing that they choose specific evenings or weekend days/evenings for their private time.
I think the key thing to remember is that your time is your own to schedule, so if you don't want to do something, you can just politely thank the person for the invitation or opportunity and say "I'm not available".
You shouldn't have to lie and you don't need to give a reason. Often the giving of a reason is where things get tricky because you either offend the other person with your excuse and/or they badger you into coming anyway. If you don't provide a reason, there's nothing to discuss and you don't need to defend your choice.
never understood the need to lie to people. When I don't want to go out, it's hard, but I just say "Thanks, but maybe later" If they ask why I can't make it, I tell them the truth - "I really feel the need to be home right now."
Geez, Louise, people! Step up to the plate. DO NOT say you want a raincheck if you don't. The original post implied you just don't want to spend time with this person, so suggesting seeing them another time is just weaseley and postpones your pain.
A simple, "No, thanks." is polite, clear and sufficient.
I guess I'm just too sensitive because I get hurt if people just don't want to come when I invite them over. A simple "sorry, I won't be able to make it" (as Tiamat_the_Red suggested above) is much kinder and requires no explanation.
What's wrong with simply saying, "I'm afraid I can't make it, some other time perhaps" and leaving it at that?
Why is everyone feeling the need to come up with feeble excuses and apologies? "No, thank you, I don't really want to." It's as simple as that. Have the respect for your friends and yourself to tell them the truth.
I find the less information you volunteer in situations like this the better. Anyone who insists on a reason for your declining an invitation is simply nosy and a bit rude.
I don't think it benefits anyone (either you or the inviting party) to say you "really don't want to". It's unneccessarily unkind; and if that's not what social graces are attempting to avoid, I don't know why we keep them around.
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Ahem. Ahem. This goes to everybody who already answered.
The original question was about an invitation from >>>>>"somebody you care about"<<<<<< . If I told any friend of mine "sorry I can't come" and finished there and they didn't ask (in a polite manner) if something is the matter, I'd feel very very disappointed.
Hey people, don't be so on alert and ready to defend against your hosts!
I don't feel the need to offer an explanation to decline an invitation, but I'm pretty sure that my face gives it away when I'm saying no simply because I don't want to go.
Thanks for noting the "somebody you care about" caveat, tulpoeid.
"I really don't want to" might be something you say to someone trying to pass you a joint, eprewitt, but not something you say to decline a gracious invitation.
If it's someone I care about, I feel perfectly comfortable saying, "thanks for the invitation, but I really feel like having a quiet night at home." I don't hide what I'm doing from people I'm close to. If it's an acquaintance, I just tell them I can't make it that night or that I have other plans. They don't need to know more than that.