Have you tried telling her what you need? I generally think being direct is the best approach.

“I’m particular about how thing operate in my kitchen and it bothers me when you take the reins without asking.”

When she wonders aloud what’s for dinner, you could say “I’ve already planned the menu of x,y,z. and I'm really exited to cook it tonight."

But also realize that she’s probably coming from a place of love and wants to help and “be a mom” to you and your spouse. I’ve battled this with my own MIL, who’s very sensitive and doesn’t necessarily respond well when I have attempted to set boundaries. My solution was to put aside my control issues, take some long walks, and say, hey, if this woman wants to fry things in my kitchen, serve it to me, then clean it all up, fine – she’s here for 5 days, I can manage.

Good luck!

Tasks, tasks, tasks. Leave a few things for her to prepare - salad prep, slicing raw vegetables, etc. This way she stays busy and feels like part of the process, and is otherwise occupied (so to avoid scallop flipping) and you are subtly stepping up as head chef in your own kitchen.

Muirne is right... get her doing something else. Set the table, chop the salad, make the dressing. It sounds like she is trying to be helpful but doesn't know where the boundary line is. I highly recommend enlisting your spouse on this front. If only to distract and engage her while you're cooking away.

The comments, though, have got to stop. What person thinks that commenting on the amount of garlic is helpful?

Ask her son to entertain his mother so you can cook in peace.

Tell her to get the F*&! out of your kitchen.
Putting her on prep duty is a good idea. Does she live with you guys (how awful! I went through that!)?

Rent a movie for her to watch, or suggest that if she REALLY wanted to feel helpful, there's a lonely toilet & scrub brush in the guest bath....

OK, maybe I just had a really crappy MIL. Chick stole my kitchen mixer too! :-)

queenofthefall.blogspot.com

Relinquish control, let her cook and enjoy!

My MIL is a picky eater, and will hover in the kitchen cause she wants to know what I'm putting in the food. After more than seven years of marriaged, I've figured out what she won't eat -- corn, pork, vinegar -- and avoid anything with those ingredients. I try to have whatever we are going to eat ready to go so that it either goes in the oven or onto the grill as soon as my in-laws get to our house. That way, she has less reason to hover and drive me crazy!

When my husband (Italian) and I were first dating, I was cooking dinner and apologized for putting in too much garlic. He said with the utmost certainty: "Not Possible!" (If MIL says "Ooh, so much garlic!" Just say "Yes! Yum!")

i agree with being direct and adding empathetic understanding. my ex's mom was very pushy about doing whatever she wanted, there's no magic thing you can do short of polite confrontation.

i might say something like "you know, cooking is one of my favorite things to do, especially a big meal like this for family, but i need a little space here. you are my guest today, so [husband] is going to fix you a drink and join you in the living room to be social."

you might also find that asking her once only serves that one incident, so at some point you may have to say "[mil] i really appreciate that you want to help, but when i'm entertaining, i have a system that i really like, and part of that is being in charge of the kitchen." with the added suggestion that you'd do the same for her in her home.

my kitchen is too small for interference, so i have an easy out, but i prefer to do all the work when i'm entertaining. it's part of my motive, i like doing all the cooking.

i also love the suggestion that maybe your husband could serve as a distraction.

Give her a task.
Give her a night to cook on her own.
If you are preparing meals for everyone, are you taking her needs and preferences into account? Is offering to a shop/cook a way of saying she doesn't like what you make and would like different food or is she just pushy?

You should only give up control and let her do what she wants if this isn't a bigger issue with her not respecting your space or boundaries. If it feels hurtful and cutting you should do some standing up for yourself before you let her take over. You can also ask your husband to step in as a support, being as it is his mother. Have him help out in the kitchen and counteract a few of her criticisms with compliments. MIL "Ooh that much garlic" Hubby "yeah, she know just how I like that dish!"

You can also strike up some compromise boundaries. For example, when she starts planning the menu for you say something like "I have something planned for tonight, but maybe you can make that for us tomorrow?" Don't let her coming home with groceries bully you into giving in. "I'm so glad you shopped for this dish, that was really sweet but I'd like to use up what I had planned tonight. I'll put these away and help you cook your menu tomorrow!"

Take turns in the kitchen - which means you probably should also stay out while she's cooking so you don't get to much well meaning or critical feeling "advice". Offer to wash up for her when she's done but be busy with something else even if you stay close to answer kitchen questions while she's cooking. And when you're cooking, give her a job, preferably away from your jobs. Will she set the table? Make desert? A nice salad? A flower arrangement?

I think it's pretty normal to shop and cook when I'm a houseguest. When I have guests, they return the favour - is it only a problem when it's your MIL??

Her approach is unfortunate - the comments and asides are unhelpful, and border on passive-aggressive - but I'm sure she's got some kind of agenda there. If it were me, I'd come right out and ask her whether she's looking for some way to help me cook (and then get her busy chopping onions or something), or if she's got a preference or dietary need she is hesitant to mention, or if she's just looking to be a part of things in the kitchen. Once the lines of communication are open, then you can work out appropriate compromises like "you cook the whole meal tomorrow" or "could you set the table" or "I'll use less garlic since it gives you heartburn".

Good luck. Try to leave the MIL/DIL feelings out of the discussion; after all, she's just like any other person out there.

Is it possible to make as much ahead of time as you could? Freezing a lasagna and such so that mostly everything is done. Can you do prep of things when she might not be around like in the morning before work and just toss the ingredients together when it's time? Last tip would be to post a menu where it can be seen by all. If she knows that you have planned a menu she can be less likely to argue and try to do her own thing.

It all depends upon her intentions. Is she critical and 'fussy' with every aspect of your life while she is there? Does she make snide remarks about your wall color or suggest to your husband that something could use updating? Does she critique how you interact with your husband? If she does, then she is trying to control you, and you MUST stand your ground. Talk to your husband before your MIL's next visit then talk to your MIL about your expectations while she is staying with you. Of course, start out by saying how much both you and your husband enjoy her visits.

However, if she is friendly in all other respects aside from her kitchen attitude, perhaps this is how her mother was with her while she was growing up...and now she is subconsciously doing the same to you. Also, if food/cooking were central to her feeling of family (as they are to my family) then cooking together may feel totally natural for her.

Either way, good luck. My future MIL is such a terrible cook that my fiance won't let her make a cuppa for him much less dinner!

Two words: Knife duel.
But seriously -- We have a similar problem in our household. Try flipping the table on her (figuratively) by asking your mother-in-law for a hand. Does your MIL have a favorite recipe that she might like to prepare and share? Start there. Offer to be her prep support for a meal (or part of one). Next meal you get to call the shots. This way you take competition out of the mix.

I agree with Rachiti-- the best response to this situation depends a great deal on the way your mother in law does/does not interfere or "helpfully comment" on other aspects of your life, and also what her relationship with her son is like. Maybe she's having a hard time letting go or dealing with the idea that another women has top billing in his life-- in that case, be firm (yet polite, of course!) about boundaries... it might also be helpful to enlist the help of your husband.

On the other hand, if your relationship with your MIL is mostly all peaches and sunshine, you can take a less delicate approach. I love my MIL, and we get along great, but she has a very limited scope of food she finds acceptable. She likes everything either bland or super salty, meat overcooked, etc and is highly suspicious of anything she deems "fancy" or "funny" (which encompasses anything outside of very a basic meat-and-potatoes situation). I can be kind of sensitive about this sort of stuff, so in the beginning I would be hurt if she would make some kind of negative comment about what I was making or refuse to try something I cooked because it was outside of her past food experience. I've learned since not to take it personally, but also not to let it completely limit what I cook for family affairs. I'll always be sure to include dishes that I know she won't find objectionable, but also the kinds of dishes that I love to cook and that my partner and I love to eat. If she makes some kind of comment or looks askance at the "funny" food, I either gently encourage her to try it (or her son does it for me-- a united front is important), or I let it go and content myself with the knowledge that there will be more leftovers for us. That way I can know I at least met her halfway, but I also don't feel like I'm capitulating too much or letting her walk all over me.

It's funny how even in good relationships this kind of thing can become a battle ground, but its also a nice opportunity to define the kind of boundaries that can keep relations peaceful for years to come.

I'm a control freak in my kitchen - so I don't care who it is, MIL or not... *I* want to cook, period. I enjoy it and it relaxes me. If you want to cook, invite us to *your* home. Frankly, my kitchen's not big enough for more than one person anyway.

My response? (cheerfully) "Oh! Go relax and have a drink! I'll be finished here in no time! I'm sure the boys have plenty of things to show you from school... (insert other occupying time-waster here)..."

And repeat. ("...I'll be finished here soon! I'll meet you in the living room in a little bit...!")

My mother in law lives with us. Long story short, when my partner's father passed, we bought the house from her mother and moved in. So, we own the house, but her mother is so used to being the "boss" of the house that it was realllly hard to get control. At first she would add/do stuff to the food I cooked. THAT stopped real quick. I'm Italian, cook a lot of Italian food, I know the way things are supposed to be. She'd say "oh, put that in it, that's how I always do it". My response was always "I really prefer to do it the way my grandmother taught me". It's hard to do without being rude, because sometimes I'm forced to flat out ignore her comments. Just the other day, I was saying something about how, in the winter, I make a soup on Sunday to eat each Monday. She said "we are NOT having soup every Monday". My response was "well, I am serving soup on Monday. If you don't want to eat it, look in the fridge and make yourself something". Sometimes she says I make too much pasta (which I don't, I make it 1-2 a week), I always tell her she is more than happy to cook her own meal. The thing is, she'll NEVER compliment my cooking to me directly, but whenever I meet her friends, the first thing they say to me is about how my MIL RAVES about what a wonderful cook I am! She also gets a little bitter that my partner really enjoys my cooking, never has any of these complaints, etc. I think she's also a little bitter because...*whispers* I think I'm a bit of a better cook than she is.

Ok, enough venting. I started menu planning for a week-two weeks in advance, so I always know what I'm making. So, when she says things like "what should we have for dinner tomorrow?" I'll tell her what I'm making. Sometimes she makes a face...I always just tell her if she doesn't want to eat it, she can have a sandwich. She always eats what I cook anyway. Don't let her control you. It's your kitchen, remember that. If she doesn't like it, she can make herself a meal. I had to make it abundantly clear that I prefer to cook alone. Don't mince words, be blunt if you have to. Good luck!

Honesty is the best policy.

Tell her (politely) that you need a little space in the kitchen. If she doesn't seem to get the message, get your husband to talk to her. Maybe he can keep her in the living room to chat while you cook?

If you want to avoid any conflict though, your best bet is probably to not cook when she's around. Prepare food ahead of time, or go out to eat, or have her cook at her place.