Maybe they just really like being at their own houses. I know lots of people who love their homes and love having guests and do not enjoy being guests at others' homes. If you are not put out by going to their home, I don't see any point in forcing a situation they are resisting. They clearly like to host, and resist being guests, then the thing to do is be gracious guests, bringing great wines or foodie hostess gifts, and just enjoy things the way they are. Invite other couples over when you feel like it's your turn to shine, and drop the first couple an invite and if they can make it great and if not, then that's fine too.

Tazer: You said everything I was going to say, but you said it better. Thanks.

I agree. Set a firm date and time, and invite others that you think they would enjoy visiting with. Some people won't say when they are available because they don't want to impose on you. Its easier for them to keep having you over cause that's what they are comfortable with. Set a date, invite others, and break the cycle.

I agree with the suggestions to set a specific date and time; you could even go old-school and mail paper invitations with an RSVP request. Works best for a sit-down dinner, of course, which may or may not be your speed.

Friendship isn't about being "even." If the other couple doesn't feel slighted then just keep the things they way they are. Do be sure to bring nice wine and/or a dish and perhaps a handwritten note for their hospitality though!

I agree with Tazer: we host people in our house all the time. It's never occurred to me to count up the occasions and make sure it was all even. Frankly, it's more convenient for me to have people over, even with the extra work of cooking, etc., than it is to go to someone else's house. There could be reasons that you don't understand and that they don't want to get into: but, if you both enjoy the interaction, don't worry about where it takes place. Bring a nice bottle of wine, or dessert, etc., but don't push them to come to your house if they don't want to.

First, I would say giving a firm date and time would be good. A lot of people think that a vague "Next time we'll have to cook for you..." response is like the "Let me know if there's anything I can help you with..." that I've heard many girls give to an engaged friend with no plans of actually helping them plan the wedding.

My other question would be, does the hosting couple make more money? I've known some people that just feel bad being fed by someone else, knowing that they make more money.

The bottom line is, if they don't mind hosting all of the get-together's, why should you feel guilty? It's not like they're hosting them because they feel obliged to feed you, they're having fun!

Have you paid any particular attention to what they serve or there behavior? Maybe one of them has an inconvenient food allergy or dietary preference that they'd rather not inconvenience someone else with.

I have a friend who has both a dairy and gluten allergy. It is easier for her to have people to her home because then she knows what is in everything, what she can and can't eat, etc.

maybe part of the reason, but probably a small part - Do they enjoy multiple alcoholic beverages with dinner? Sometimes people would rather host, then they don't have to worry about driving home afterward. But I'm sure many of the above comments are much more applicable, just offering up one bit that might play into their behavior.

You didn't mention if they have children. If that is the case maybe it is much easier to stay home for them and and company come to them.

One other thought is to just have a discussion with them when you say, "Hey, i really appreciate all your invitations but it makes me feel uncomfortable". Seems to me if you feel that lousy over it that the relationship isn't really working. Just keep in mind that if they didn't want you there you wouldn't be invited in the first place!

@Tazer

I have friends like this, and the issue is that I, too, like to be at home. So why should one person's preference outweigh the other's? Even if they're good hosts and lovely people, there's a selfish aspect to it -- that their desire to host outweighs anyone else's desire to host.

I solved my issue by being direct and saying, "you're such a fantastic host, it would mean so much to me to be able to reciprocate." It probably helped that I had already invited other people, bought booze, and the date was already set ;)

I agree that they may just prefer to be hosts and that if you are having a good time, just go with it and be gracious. However, if you have a desire to have them over, I doubt keeping things "even" will entice them. It seems that some people need to always be giving in order to feel accepted and liked. I would suggest phrasing an invite in a way that they would be helping you by coming over to your place.

Do the compulsive hosts have children? Arranging a night out when you have children can be mcuh more of a pain that hosting.

The direct method:
- Tell them that they're so great that you insist on entertaining and you will not take no for an answer. Flattery will get you everywhere.

The indirect method:
- Make the event official with invitations instead of a casual get-together that could be easily relocated
- Invite enough people they don't know so that it would be odd for them to change the venue to their home

I'd like to second ny2midmo's comment about potential food allergies/dietary restrictions. My fiancé and I frequently host for our group of friends, partially because we're both homebodies but still like to be social and partially because I have multiple dietary restrictions and don't want to burden others with what I can or can't eat. Personally, I would never think to count or think of things as being even or not.

I would advise the reluctant hostee to tell her friends directly that her inability to reciprocate makes her uncomfortable and is getting in the way of her enjoyment of and appreciation for their hospitality. I would also advise her to think about the specific things that would make her feel comfortable or more comfortable, probably including some alternatives to having them come over to her house (as it seems they may be reluctant to do that), and ask for an opportunity to do those things. For me, a situation like that would raise some insecurities about being perceived as a mooch or freeloader, so I'd articulate that, too, were I in her shoes. It's likely her friends have no idea how she feels and would jump at the chance to reassure her.

Another consideration is whether there might be something in your house that makes being there uncomfortable for your guests. We rarely have my dearest friends over to our home, because we have several cats and the wife of the couple is allergic to them. It has no impact on our friendship-it's just a practicality and we have dinner with them in their home at least once a week. One thing that alleviates the feeling of being "rude" is that I always bring at least part of the meal to contribute, so it's more of a co-hosted dinner that happens to be at their house.

It might not even be allergies. Posters here tend to be adventurous eaters, but we forget not everyone is. Some adults are just picky eaters and feel uncomfortable eating unfamiliar food.

Whatever this host-happy couple’s reasons, I think the letter writer’s response depends on her own motivations. Does she want to host simply out of a desire for fairness, does she enjoy filling her home with friends or does she enjoy cooking for guests? The solution will vary based on that.

And personally, if you’ve been dropping hints that you’re not happy with the situation and the other couple either hasn’t noticed or is ignoring it, I’d say it’s time to be assertive and ask if there’s a reason they aren’t letting you host. I’d imagine that part of what is upsetting the letter writer is a sense that she is being slighted by the other couple’s disinterest in visiting her home. It's best to clear things up and figure out the real reason (allergies, kids, comfort in familiarity, a desire to show off/be in control, cluelessness).

I think this is an interesting problem to have. I used to have friends that I constantly invited to elaborate dinners and dinner parties, and not once - not once over the period of 10 years did they invite me. Finally I wised up and I thought - wait, they are telling me something without saying it - life is too short to worry about these things. My relationship with my friend did not resist time, but there is no reason for you to be stuborn and make sure things are even. Maybe they feel they are better cooks, maybe they have all the dietary restrictions mentioned above. Who knows, maybe your space is small and they feel more comfortable in their home, whatever the reason is, all you need is to invite them, and if the dinner ends up at their place, bring wine and enjoy. Life is too short to keep score about everything...

Tazer's advice is wise. I tend to be the "come over to my house all the time" person. I try to be cognizant of the fact that I need to also go to friends' houses. You have to give SPECIFIC invitations.

Also think about if there is some reason they don't want to come over. Do you have other people over your house a lot or is this just an issue with them? Some people are weird without realizing it when having people over and end up stressing out guests, having unruly pets, being super OCD, etc.

my best suggestion is to set up a monthly dinner or something. For example, I have friends who really LOVE to have me over to their home for cocktails or random dinners, it tends to be a last minute call and if I'm free I go over. after a while I started to feel bad about how often I was going over so I imposed first saturday. Every first saturday they come over to my place for drinks and sometimes dinner or just appetizers if we're going out. It gives us a scheduled time to get together, we all know it's coming and it makes me feel better too!

I think the key to answering the question is to know more about the writer's motivation.

If she wants to have them over because she likes to host and would rather stay at her own house, then maybe the she does owe it to herself to take the more confrontational route and bring it up directly with the friends.

But if, as she says in her letter, it's really more about a feeling of guilt and perceptions of fairness, I'm in the camp that friends don't keep score. If you're having fun going, go. They keep inviting you, so they're certainly not offended. Take a nice bottle of wine or something with you if that makes you feel like you're pulling your weight.

Who knows what their reasons are for perferring to host than to go out. By asking them point blank, you may risk making things awkward.

What are your reasons for wanting to host them? Don't be shy about providing a positive reason the next time you ask them over. Couch it in terms of your desires, "I found an amazing recipe for fondue that I'm just dying for you to come over and try. It doesn't travel well, though, so can you come to my house?" -- "We have my grandmother's dining table and I was thinking it would be nice to honor her memory and have some guests enjoy a meal on it" -- "I like seeing you guys, but to be honest I have to get some stuff done the next morning so it's easier if you come over here this time."

If you just want to host them because you feel it would balance things out then I say forget about it and just accept that they love to host. If they had a problem with always being the host I think they would have taken you up on your offer by now. I'm sure they don't think you're intruding.

Maybe this is just the set of friends that always host you. I think that's okay. Do you have other friends that would want to go to your house? Ask them so you can have an opportunity to play host.

I had a friend that I would always host because I hated their apartment. He would keep bugging me to hang out there and I went a few times to be polite but tried to avoid it. I'm not saying you have a bad home or anything but sometimes people just don't feel comfortable elsewhere.

Egads, judging from what you wrote, there is more to this. How many times has this woman turned your invitation into hers and her hosting?!

Does this couple not trust you with food prep or food choices? Do they hate being in someone else's house? Do they hate your house?

It sounds like a Seinfeld episode; I hope it goes well for all involved.

Besides all of the other great suggestions that other people have provided here, perhaps you could make a specific invitation for an affordable restaurant night with them - get them on neutral ground, so to speak.

Emily Post would tell us that dinner guests are obliged to invite their hosts to a return dinner. It is not incumbent upon the hosts to accept the invitation, however. Further, while one is obligated to invite them to a dinner, it need not be an invitation to your home - dinner at a nice restaurant would be equally acceptable, and perhaps more readily accepted. It's also worth noting, as was said above, that friendships are not scales to be perfectly balanced.

I suspect there is, as others have suggested, more to the story than just not wanting to come. I wonder if perhaps "compulsive hosts" unwittingly hit the nail on the head. I have a reasonably severe course of OCD and two other anxiety disorders, and because of that, actually fit the description given quite well. I love to entertain, and I love to be with friends, but I don't enjoy a night full of crippling anxiety, hiding in the bathroom, or unexpectedly fleeing. In my own home, I can do things the way I need them to be done - not necessarily the way I like, but the way that keeps the anxiety in check. My guests will typically follow suit, because they're in my home, and it's only polite to do things the way your host does them.

When I'm forced to visit someone's home (that doesn't know I have OCD), I'm on the verge of a panic attack before I even leave the house, despite having supplemented my normal meds with as-needed anxiolytics. By the time I get there, any condition I have that is exacerbated by stress and anxiety is in full swing. My hand tremors are severe enough that I dare not pick up anything that could break. I twitch uncontrollably, and have difficulty talking, losing both the ability to maintain coherent thoughts and the ability to actually vocalize them. As things go on around me, the anxiety gets worse - I generally excuse myself several times to have anxiety attacks as quietly as possible in the bathroom. Assuming I actually make it to the dinner table, my anxiety goes through the roof, for more reasons than I care to list. There is a 75% chance or better that I'll fake an emergency in order to flee before dinner ends. I won't go back - ever - even if it means having to sever ties to avoid it.

I'm not particularly shy about talking about my conditions, but many people are, and they shouldn't be forced to share their psychiatric history in order to stop the social pressure. (You may not feel like you're pressuring them, but they're already anxious, and it multiplies.) As I am vocal about mine, my friends are generally happy to come to my house without feeling offended that I don't come to theirs. If and when I do, they usually are more than willing to accommodate my disabilities. As much as I appreciate it, I feel awful that they have to alter their way of doing things in their own home for me. It makes my life much less stressful to be the host than it does to be guilted in to attending a dinner that I won't enjoy and will require several days of heavy sedation to recover from. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

That's just one - albeit described in length - reason for not accepting return invitations. There area so many more: allergies (as mentioned above), veganism (even Post basically says stay home), a plethora of other medical conditions, non-allergy food issues (who wants to say "No, I can't have the main course, it gives me explosive diarrhea"?), and the list goes on, ad nauseam.

Coming from my experiences, my suggestion is to extend the return invitation to your home after the first dinner. If it's declined, then after the second dinner, extend an invitation to take them out to a restaurant. (In the case of the letter-writer, forget inviting them to your home again, but try a restaurant if you haven't.) If that invitation is also declined, then do one of two things: Write them of as rude, inconsiderate people you don't want to associate with, or accept that your friends don't like to go out, and find a different way to express your appreciation. Wine, if they drink, is always a good choice, as are (appropriate) flowers the next day. If you happen to know they like [dessert] from [local bakery], send them one a couple of days after - that way, you know you won't butt up against a food allergy. And there's nothing wrong with a totally un-dinner-related gift. Give them concert tickets to something they've said they'd like to see or passes to a game or whatever else they like to do, with a gracious "We so enjoy being your guests, and want you to know how much we appreciate it."

I hate it when people say "You must come over", without ever extending a proper invite. I tend to assume that they don't really want to invite me, and are merely trying to appear polite. Also, It's My Turn may live far away from Compulsive Host, and getting home might be problematic. Personally, I would rather someone invite me out to dinner in town (and it doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant), when I can enjoy a glass of wine and take public transport, rather than having to drive miles home late at night.

it's true, if they truly felt like they were doing all of the work with hosting, they would just stop inviting you altogether.

i would echo other's suggestion of making more firm plans with dates as opposed to simply suggesting another get together. a simple, "you guys free for dinner next friday? would love to cook for you!"

and... i'd say it should be okay if they decline. perhaps drop it until you get to know them better and all will take care without too much effort. you did say that these were new acquaintances, right?

There's a really quick way to find out what may be going on: invite 3 or 4 other couples over and see if you get the same brush-off. Then ask yourself: do you have any crotch-sniffing dogs, double-dipping, nose picking kids, or anything else that would turn someone's stomach? Sorry to be blunt, but really.

If you get a string of refusals, you may have a problem. If not, methinks your new friends are snobs. Turn down their invitations a few times. Let them know how it feels to be snubbed.

Don't forget though it could be more benign reasons as mentioned here: allergies, shyness, they like to drink but don't want to drive. Set a firm date and say that the booze will be flowing so you're happy to drive them home.

Final possibility: you've gotten into a pattern. Maybe just let it go and enjoy their hospitality - and invite someone from your neighborhood: maybe an elderly person who rarely gets out, someone who will truly enjoy your hospitality. Will be much more rewarding.

**Caveat my statment with the idea that there's a designated driver, or course. ;)

I have friends like this and it is really irritating. Their excuse is always "you live in a 1br apartment, we have a house and yard. It's nicer over here." Even when I offer to bring a dish to contribute, say a salad, I'll arrive to find that the hosts have already prepared a salad. Theirs is deemed better than mine and mine is put in the fridge for "later." I've just given up. Let them do all the work. Find other friends who will come to your house and appreciate your efforts. Even it up by hosting others and letting others host you, but if this couple always wants to host, let them.

@nwatrous That is quite rude of them. Anthony Bourdain has travelled all over the world and he will eat anything a host hands to him and thank them graciously. When I was still a vegetarian, a nice Chinese man surprised us with raw fish as a meal. We were horrified but put on a big smile and thanked him. It wasn't bad, actually! :)

We have friends like that. They have parties occasionally and we always go, but they NEVER come to our gatherings (or even just over for dinner). We actually have concluded that the wife has a social anxiety something or other, and really just feels much better at home. We no longer take it personally, just assume that she feels uncomfortable and wants to be at home.

Your house is too small, you have pets i'm allergic to, I can't drink at your place as it isn't accessable by anything other than car.

Yeah, I am the comulsive host. I really LOVE haveing friends over, and i love my guests... I hope none of my less-hosting friends are freaking about about the equality thing, because no one really throws a dinner party they don't want to have.

It sounds like your friends really enjoy you, and enjoy hosting you. Don't let it bother you.