In my pantry right now, there among the cans of tomato paste and chicken noodle soup, is a box of rich, decadent sipping chocolate, a bag of dried porcini, and a little tin of handmade candied violets. In my closet, a pair of fancy velvet heels and a gorgeous cashmere sweater mingle with the cotton shirts and clogs. Tucked away in a drawer, a small vial of a favorite, very expensive perfume waits for the special day that I will dab it on my wrists. Besides being wonderful and special, all these things have one other thing in common: I never use them. And lately I've been thinking that this has got to change.
I have this habit of saving (hoarding perhaps?) certain things, special things, delicious things, things that normally don't appear in my everyday life. Why? Well, on the surface it seems logical. Because I may never have the chance to see them or taste them again, I become very careful with them and dole out their specialness is small, careful doses. These resources are limited, after all, so they must be saved for a special day. Right? Well, maybe not.
Lately I've been questioning this thinking. Is there something more going on here, some basic assumptions I am making about my life, about the world I live in? Is it really true that wonderful things are rare and limited and should be guarded? Is it really true that some days are more special than others? And the answer, while a bit more complicated than this, basically boils down to "no."
If I look really closely, I see this attitude originates in a sense of scarcity, a fundamental feeling that there's not enough. And not only that. This sense of scarcity is a habit, a basic, foundational attitude that permeates all aspects of my life. I don't lead with it but if I'm quiet and ask myself the right questions, I can see it there, lurking and influencing many of my thoughts and decisions.
And it persists even in the face of good evidence that actually I live in a time of enormous abundance. Everywhere I look, there is much to be grateful for, much to be appreciated. From the tumbled, tangled profusion of my pantry shelves to the way the sun is shifting into its Spring position and spilling light through my kitchen window. The smile from a stranger passing on the sidewalk, the enormous selection of teas in my grocery store aisles, the presence of my friends and family, their wisdom and caring. This is the good life! This is cause for celebration!
Instead of saving the good stuff for later, what about throwing a party everyday? What about splashing on that special perfume until the vial is empty and snuggling into that cashmere sweater before sitting down at my computer to work? And what about those delicious things in the pantry? What if I don't taste some sipping chocolate now and I get run over by a bus this afternoon? I will never, ever have had the chance to taste it, to enjoy its velvety texture and dark, nuanced bitterness. Is that how I want to live this life?
Of course there are special things to mark special occasions. If we eat caviar everyday, then it will eventually become just another boring spoonful of salty fishy eggs. But at the same time, hoarding away the good stuff for a day that is more special than this day, right here and now, is also a mistake. In my life at least, there needs to be a balance, there needs to be more revelry. A little more recklessness.
So I've vowed to loosen it up a little. Everyday, in small ways, I will stop what I'm doing and make a celebration. Maybe it will be pausing for a cup of hot sipping chocolate, or to splash on some perfume. Maybe I will add those porcinis to my everyday lunch soup, or finally open that very nice bottle of wine before it turns to vinegar and invite a few friends over on a Wednesday night.
Whatever the circumstance, my new phrase is Don't Wait. Don't wait for a day or a situation to be better, more special, more worthy of celebration, than this day, this moment. Right here, right now. Don't wait. Celebrate!
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Wonderful thought for the morning!
Yes.
I too was a saver for "Special Occasions" until I came to my senses sometime in my fifties. I now use the silver my parents gave me as a wedding present many years ago as my daily silverware, I have just one set of dishes, the "good ones" and no longer save clothes for that "Special day". Every day is special now and I get to enjoy the good things instead of keeping them hidden away. Now I feel special too!
Thanks for making me feel I'm not alone. My advice to other Savers is "Be good to yourself, you deserve it!
I agree completely and recently came to this same revelation myself. At 41 weeks pregnant, there is little I can do to make myself feel pretty. I did, however, decide to start wearing my favorite perfume everyday. Wearing it makes me feel special and makes the rest of the day brighter. I used to hoard it and only wear it on special occasions, but it just ended up sitting and collecting dust. I have a certain perfume that I always associate with my mother, and one day my daughter will say, "that smells good! Just like my mommy!"
YES! I use my vintage dishes and cups (although sometimes that means they break), wear my favorite perfume not everyday but just because, and dress up and go out whenever I get the chance. I use pretty vintage tablecloths even though they might get stained, wear my favorite wool sweaters and good leather boots (though not in the rain and mud), and throw on a cute apron (when I remember I have them) while cooking.
In the spring and summer, because my fiance and I both work weekends, I also throw parties on Mondays and Tuesdays, which seems very decadent to my friends. ;)
I try not to splurge too much on food, although we buy good bread and grassfed organic milk all the time, and pastured local meat (the cheap cuts) when we can.
I think thriftiness and frugality are wonderful virtues to cultivate, but when you ignore the delights in front of you because you're "saving them" for a "special occasion" (unless that special occasion is every major holiday), you're really just wasting them.
The mind of scarcity.. On one hand it is valuable. It encourages us to recycle, use up leftovers, use as much of our food as we can. On the other hand, it can become obsessive. It can suck all the pleasure from what we are doing.
I have been experimenting lately with wearing my life loosely. By that I mean trying not to go too far one way or the other. I don't want to become overindulgent and spoiled, and I don't want to live like there never is enough. I don't want to live clenched up, nor so loose that I don't make decisions, plans or structure.
THanks for the reminder of balance...
Super post!
My mother was a great one for "saving" special things. And so often she'd "save" them until they were ruined. I remember a basket of breakfast goodies -- real maple syrup, a special pancake mix -- she got as a gift that had to be thrown out after a few years because she never used them. Her bureau was full of pretty hankies and such that were brand new, never used.
Thanks for the reminder.
As usual, YES.
The other night I got out some special drinking chocolate that has been sitting in the pantry far too long, made it up and discovered it had mealworms in it. Serves me right for not drinking it sooner. Seize the day!
excellent! I find for myself that consciously practicing gratitude helps me live both frugally and abundantly.
this speaks to my heart. thank you so much.
Great post! Made me remember a quote I read a while back: "Don't save something for a special occasion. Every day of your life is a special occasion." That has always been a weakness of mine as well, and more often than not I ended up having to throw away whatever little special treat it was that I was saving because it just got too old/rancid/mice got it/etc. Recently my young brother-in-law suddenly died, reminding me again that life can be so short and we must enjoy it fully while we can. Isn't it sad how we keep forgetting this?
Reminds me a bit of the philosophy behind "Open That Bottle Night" penned by former wine columnists for the WSJ in 2000 (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB116976188871688189.html) Seems like a balanced approach to this. A reminder not to save things until they are unusable, but also that in order to be special it doesn't need to be everyday. As someone else said, balance is key.
thank you for this post. it's a bit eerie but i had similar thoughts while putting groceries away last night. there is always enough (and more) and while some might think it morbid to mention one could die at any moment, that is the reality of being alive.
so what if my grandmother's beautiful parfait glass breaks- it will be broken while being enjoyed. sad? yes- but in the end, it's ok. just looking at them (and many other pieces of old glass, dishes and serveware) is not enough.
hugs.
hope your little one arrives soon!
That's so true :)!
Darned tootin'!
Some days are meant for eating dessert first. In this clan, special happens whenever the spirit moves us. All it takes is the declaration: let's celebrate! If anyone asks what's being celebrated, we always find a reason.
To weezybakes: Nods affirmative over the one set of dishes.
I inherited several old fragile teacups from my darling great-grandmother after she passed, and I find a middle ground by displaying my favorites to look at, and use my favorite to hold on a daily basis. When the one I'm using breaks, it becomes part of a mosaic and I pick a new one. She used them, why shouldn't I?
I am a trauma social worker at a major hospital and can't even begin to convey how quickly life can change--or end. You never know if the day you wake up might be your last. So enjoy everything you can. Life is too short not to.
Dana: I love your posts. So much reflection.
My grandmother gave me a beautiful peach damask table cloth and napkin set. It was still in the original wrapping from when she received it as a wedding present in the 1930s.
She had never used it, not once.
(Sadly, I haven't either because it doesn't fit my table -- too small.)
My grandparents were frugal, and I think, lived a very difficult life. They lost all their savings twice over through currency devaluations. Still, despite that, they continued to save. Given the times they had lived through, it wasn't surprising.
When I look back, it is always the risks we didn't take (they would have panned out, but we didn't feel comfortable with the risk at the time) that haunt us now.
Use the crystal and silver, wear the fine perfumes...seize the moment. I have to remind myself too.
When I was younger, I'd always save the best for last too. I'd save what I liked to eat for "later" or the end of the meal, etc. As I got older, I changed that and it's the opposite now. I go for my favorites first and enjoy it! I try to use everything and get as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as possible.
When we inherited some beautiful Mexican earthenware dishes from my Mom, we decided we wanted to use them rather than let them sit in a cupboard. We don't use them every day, but still quite often, and even though one or two has a chip, we've never regretted it. My theory is that functional beautiful things are made to be USED, not looked at. Otherwise--if they're hidden away, even in a glass display cupboard--what's the point?
Thank you for this great post!
Read this column every week but have never commented. Just had to on this one. Thank you! How lovely.
I came to this realization, too, a few years ago and my life is so much richer. It helps to recognize where that sense of scarcity comes from (for those of us who have it, there's a reason) because if you understand why, it makes it easier to change. Thank you for the thoughtful post.
Awesome reminder!
I look forward to these posts every week. They are always about great things that I enjoy thinking over slowly in a calm time of day. Thank you for this delicious mind fodder!
I just love your weekend meditation posts and eagerly look forward to read them everyweek.
thank you :)
These are always a pleasure to read - thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My mom 'saved things for good' all the time. When she passed, we buried her in her blouse that she was saving for good, hardly worn. Since then I tell myself to use and enjoy what I have. Life is too short to save things for good. Today it's 'good' day!
I had to make an account to comment on this lovely meditation, as it really speaks to my heart.
I was always a saver. As a child my brother always knew he could come to my room for candy, because I would make my halloween stash last all year. (Disgusting, I know.) I married young, and as a low income and "creative" couple I was always saving everything for re-use, for a special occasion or for an art project.
Five years into our marriage a house fire destroyed most of our possessions and it really liberated me from the whole saving mentality I had held onto for so long. If it's intended for my use, I use it. If it's for a hypothetical use, such as a future baby that is not in a womb yet, or for a room that does not exist in my home, I give it to someone who actually has a use for it or donate it.
Of course, balance is necessary in life but these days I'd rather err on the side of charity and joy.
to mschatelaine: You could put a larger tablecloth on your table and use your grandmother's damask one as an overlay on top. Maybe at a tea party for a few of your friends? :-)
Reminds me of a favorite poem, "Putting the good things away" by Marge Piercy, which you can read here :http://www.pbs.org/wnet/foolingwithwords/Ppiercy_poem4.html
I try to live this way too, but it's not my natural instinct.
Reminds me of a quote from the wine movie, Sideways. To paraphrase, just opening the bottle is a special occasion.
Oh yes indeed. Gretchen Rubin calls this "Spending Out". It is a daily practice for me.
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2007/10/what-it-means-t/