Two weeks ago I attempted to make a loaf of multigrain bread, and it was an epic failure. Where there should have been springy dough made pliant and sticky by yeast's digestive workings, there was a hard brown lump, the exact size and shape I'd left it in the the night before. I tried to coax it into submission by warming it in the oven, but it refused to alter its state. I had the nagging feeling that the yeast I used was past its prime (and speaking of priming, I'd actually neglected to do that, too). I finally put a pinch of the yeast with a little sugar in a bowl of warm water, and—lo and behold—the granules just floated there, like bugs on the surface of a pond. I should have brushed it off and moved on, but in a moment of self-pity, I cried instead.
There may not be any crying over spilled milk, but there is definitely crying over thwarted bread-baking. It wasn't just the wasted ingredients that bummed me out—all those nuts and seeds!—but what the whole thing represented to my then-vulnerable self: "You, Cambria Bold, are a crummy cook." Or so said the stubborn, unmoveable dough and its army of yeast zombies. The disappointment was severe.
Of course, in retrospect it was all a bit dramatic. We all forget (or are still learning) basic rules. Recipes fail. Lofty culinary aspirations get dragged back down to earth. But here's the thing: we shouldn't take it so personally. If you're someone who tends to be hard on him or herself, then yes, learning to cook can be a little brutal. But as Julia Child once said, "The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking you've got to have a what-the-hell attitude."
So, to that I say, what the hell, you blob of unrisen dough! And what the hell, you expired yeast! I will live to bake again. In the meantime, you're going to make mighty tasty flatbread and somewhat tasty crackers.
And next time (and forever and ever, amen) I'll check the yeast first.
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I tend to be pissy if a recipe doesn't work, though no tears unless there were onions involved.
there's no crying cooking or baseball
I've had some very frustrating moments in the kitchen, but I usually either try to fix it or dump it and move on.
I'm still at the point of trying new recipes and techniques, which results in a fair amount of failure. About a month ago I tried a new dessert recipe on my grandparent who were in town to visit. The problem was basically that there was very solid caramel in it that made chewing...difficult. I tossed the recipe and moved on. My grandmother didn't. When I went to visit family last week, everyone had heard about it! My grandpa even came up to me and said, "I don't care what anyone says, I like caramel brownies."
I can forgive my failures, but apparently my grandma cannot.
It happens to the best of us. I royally messed up dinner (stuffed acorn squash) the other night. I burnt the rice, and then because I had to start over on the rice, overcooked the squash. It was edible, but just barely. Oh, well.
I cried two years ago when I had just moved to Spain. It was November and I was craving pumpkin pie, but I couldn't find the right pumpkin! I finally made the crust and the custard and when I was scraping out the pumpkin it was all stringing and I bursted into tears thinking it was the wrong kind and how much I missed home (and my mommy!). When I finally talked to my sister and mom I went back to the kitchen and just pureed the pumpkin and it was fine...I just missed home so much and was feelin real crazy!! The pie turned out awesome in the end... :D
I made a buche de noel in high school for the first time and it just didn't turn out. I used too much filling, the cake cracked while rolling, etc. There were tears. Thankfully, I budgeted in enough time to make a second one that came out fine. The recipe card now has "DON'T PANIC" written in marker, just to remind myself that the recipe is tricky and I need to chill out.
I will admit I've cried over food multiple times. I have unhealthy high expectations of myself. My father has even said that I," expect perfection on the first try."
I cried over failed pozole when my husband and I moved to New Mexico. I cried over an undercooked roasted chicken... I'm sure I've cried over bread as well.
Obviously I have some things I need to work on! :)
I cried when I realized partway through my porcini risotto recipe that some pot or strainer I was using, I clearly hadn't rinsed enough after its last wash -- as the broth was SOAPY.
The friend I was cooking for just laughed and we went out to eat instead, and then when I got homek, I stayed up for hours re-washing every single cooking implement in the house. And rinsing each one REALLY well. We still laugh about the mushroom & dish soap risotto.
I've been there many times! It's so frustrating!!! Sometimes I think there's just a secret trick that we are supposed to figure out on our own so a recipe turns out the way it should! I can only hope that the recipes on my blog turn out for others as they do for me...the last thing I would want to do is cause someone such grief over a recipe! Lol!
I teach cooking and I always tell my students that making mistakes is the best way to learn--now you will never forget to proof your yeast! In fact, there are very few goof-ups that can't be salvaged. For example, you could make flat breads by rolling out small balls of the unrisen dough into disks and baking them on a griddle.
Every time I have a major kitchen disaster, I self-sooth by ordering a pizza. :)
@leapkate, my biggest disaster was also a risotto. I thought I was adding in my homemade chicken stock from the freezer, but it was actually frozen citrus juice (looked just like my stock and I used the same kind of container for it.) Mushroom risotto ala orange juice. It was sickening. The worst part was I spent so long on it. Lesson learned, LABEL WHEN YOU FREEZE. LOL.
I've had several failures after all these years.
I've learned to read the directions thoroughly and sometimes retype them so they read better.
I consider my recipe source carefully. I no longer bother with recipes from some specific celebrities. One failure, fine, but every recipe!?
Some failures are funny- crescent rolls from scratch that unrolled into a distinct "male organ" still gives my Dad the giggles.
for a promising recipe, I'll seek out some wiser cooks to fix it.
Measuring properly, proper steady oven temperature and so on are all factors.
Even Grandmas have cooking blunders, ask your Grandpa about hers. If her story continues at family dinners of your failure, trot out the story of her hilarious failure.
I've had several failures after all these years.
I've learned to read the directions thoroughly and sometimes retype them so they read better.
I consider my recipe source carefully. I no longer bother with recipes from some specific celebrities. One failure, fine, but every recipe!?
Some failures are funny- crescent rolls from scratch that unrolled into a distinct "male organ" still gives my Dad the giggles.
for a promising recipe, I'll seek out some wiser cooks to fix it.
Measuring properly, proper steady oven temperature and so on are all factors.
Even Grandmas have cooking blunders, ask your Grandpa about hers. If her story continues at family dinners of your failure, trot out the story of her hilarious failure.
Hahaha @lynell - I once made a "salt cake" instead of "pound cake". It was awesome.
Nice post! I work in a research lab where experimental failures are all too common. Ironically, I enjoy cooking as an activity in which I can feel more successful. Nevertheless, I've had my share of failures in the kitchen. Take Trash Can Risotto as a case in point. Also, I made a nice whole grain bread a while back with bad yeast. Fortunately, I realized the yeast were bad before baking, so I made flat breads in a skillet instead. Not as good as a loaf of bread, but edible nonetheless.
I'm going through an epic cooking mojo fail.
I know how you guys feel.
Bread doughy, pork tough, even cut my finger.
Been 1 week already.
Making Osso Buco tonight feeling I can't mess that up.
:-(
LOL
Cheers and good luck!
@ lynell: clearly risotto is a dish to try cooks' souls....
I think the male organ crescent rolls is my favorite story so far, MonW!
My worst disaster involved meatballs that I'd stuffed with mozzarella cheese. I had browned them and was then putting a lid on the pan when, for unknown reasons, the lid shattered. Obviously not salvageable in that instance, but the worst thing about it was probably that I was STARVING and really looking forward to those meatballs.
There was also an epic chocolate crepe hazelnut "cake" I tried making for my husband's birthday. I spent a lot of time on it only for it all to fall when assembled. We still ate it (and it was good), but not nearly the beautiful birthday presentation I'd wanted and so very frustrating.
Cooking disasters are usually funny... There was the time (when I was 15) that my parents' guests had funny looks on their faces as they were eating the carrot cake I made (or not eating, since they all left about half on their plates)... couldn't figure out what the problem was because my piece was fine, and no one said anything. But after they left, I tasted a leftover piece, and boy was it terrible!! We had run out of baking powder or baking soda, but just when I was getting ready to put it into the oven, my dad came back with some, and I quickly stirred it into the wet batter. Well, that sure taught me to always add it to the dry ingredients and to combine them well!!
Then there was the time I made gingerbread men and a gingerbread house with 3 roofs and 2 balconies. By 5 pm, I had gingerbread coming out of my ears, and had gotten the doughs confused, and had turned them into rocks. Again, I was in my teens and living at home at the time, and my dad decided to help -- by throwing everything into the stand mixed with some water. We had EVEN MORE gingerbread -- it was the Christmas of the Gingerbread That Ate The House. We baked gingerbread while watching Gigi until 2 am. Those were the most deformed gingerbread men ever! And I gave the house to an aspiring boyfriend to assemble (which he did, and didn't dare nibble until my return 2 weeks later). We still laugh about how we got gingerbread all over the house that Christmas...
One time I cried when I pulled out this gorgeous potato dish from the oven--mashed, cheesed, topped with parm, beautiful--and it was Christmas, our first one married--and my potholder slipped, causing the dish to land face-down on the gross, never-cleaned oven door.
There was another time, years before, when I threw some pie crust against the wall. Pillsbury and I were friends for a while after that!
I think I probably learned not to cry/panic in the kitchen from my Aunt Gwen. She and Uncle Harold lived on Nantucket where they owned The Opera House restaurant. She had been to the Cordon Bleu in France, and Lord God Almighty, she could cook. My mother and I were there one Christmas about 60 years ago and roast goose was on the menu. Roast goose produces LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of fat. Aunt Gwen got a pan with 2 geese out of the oven to drain the fat, something happened, and down went the pan, the geese and all the fat, SPLAT onto the Ken-L-Ration in the dogs' dishes. Aunt Gwen picked up the pan, set it on the counter, picked up the geese and wiped off the dog food, and back into the oven they went. (We'll draw the veil of charity over the memory of the dogs galloping in, lapping up all the grease, and getting sick as, well, dogs...) A number of the guests mentioned that it was the best, most succulent goose they had ever had...
I still cook goose for Christmas, but I leave out the Ken-L-Ration. I guess the most dramatic kitchen disaster I've ever had was when 2 loaves of Stollen (German Christmas bread) blew up in the oven. I'm still not sure why it happened... Maybe too much yeast? Thank heaven for self-cleaning ovens, or I'd STILL be picking bits of raisin and candied lemon peel and currents off the oven walls and ceiling.
Actually, come to think, most of my cooking disasters have involved my dad... hmmm... he has a madcap quality and causes mayhem with his creativity (there was the time we wanted to make a soufflé, and so screwed off the handle on my mother's favorite pot... not to replace it for a couple of years...).
OH yes I've shed some tears in the kitchen. One time I spent several hours prepping and baking a flour-less chocolate cake for a dear friend's bday, only to find out that the seal around my pan didn't hold up in the ban marie and cake had taken on water. Presto - flour less chocolate ... pudding. It was only ab an hour before the party so no time to bake another, so me and my tears bought a pan of brownies and put candles in it. Meh ...
I usually throw my failures into the trash very aggressively, sometimes whilst swearing...gotta feel those feelings, then try to get over it.
The last time i tried to bake a cake. Was one I had made several times before. For whatever reason, brought it out of the oven to cool. Turned it out of bundt pan onto rack and only half the cake came. Pan was greased and floured. Had little cereal bowls holding the missing top of the cake . Husband walked in from work loved the smell saw the resulting cake and said "What did you do to it?!" He watched me rebake it after taking me out to dinner it and it turned out the same. He bakes the cakes now.
Since it is holiday time, for those making gelatin desserts, make sure you know how big(how many cups of water) that ring mold will hold. They come in different sizes. Yes, really. And the size matters. Just. do. not. ask. Also you may be expected to grease the mold, check to be sure. Makes removal so much easier.
I cannot cry easily for anything but I cried outloud once in the kitchen, when I realized I did not add the sugar in my financieres after putting the tray in the oven! My toddler son and hubby was watching me with wide opened eyes. Next thing was we emptied the the batter back in, added the sugar and baked it.. I remember the result was not bad at all!
texas sheet cake with scrambled eggs - alas made by someone else but i was so looking forward to it *I* cried. Personally though it was a few batches of new Christmas cookies in a row. Needless to say not a happy camper
The first time I made meatloaf, my only ingredients were ground beef, salt and pepper. The resulting doorstop was not worth eating and even the dog turned up her nose at it. You know it's bad when a dog refuses food because they will usually eat anything!! No point in crying, just chalk it up as an experience and move on.
I thought I was the only person who cried over failures in the kitchen!!