When a loved one is going through a difficult time or has suffered a loss, sending flowers or bringing them a homecooked meal are thoughtful gestures. But here's another idea that could be even more helpful: groceries.
We have been working our way through the archives of TimesTalks podcasts from the New York Times, and we're especially enjoying the food-related interviews from late 2008. In an interview with Lynn Hirschberg, Nigella Lawson spoke about a very difficult time in her life, when her husband was dying of cancer. In what she called "an act of great kindness," a friend stopped by her home and left bags of groceries.
"I opened my door on Saturday morning and there was just these bags of shopping. You can't make decisions either when you're grieving or when you're very stressed. If she'd said, 'What do you need?' I wouldn't have known. She just did it. And those small acts which we think of belonging to village life belong to all our lives. I think those things are important things to do for one another."
For someone who enjoys cooking, this could be a great help (otherwise, a prepared meal is probably better). Because not only are you saving them from an errand and providing food, you're giving them something to do. And that can be an even greater gift. As Lawson also said, it can be very helpful to occupy your hands in times of stress.
"I'm such an avid reader and I'm always reading, but in times of great distress I can't focus to read or I can't really have a useful thought. But I can knead some bread or I can chop vegetables for a stew, or I can make a soup. So I think it's very important somehow to be absorbed and active but not challenged. In the modern world, everything's meant to be challenging and I feel like being alive is challenging enough. Why would you want everything else to be harder?"
To keep things as unchallenging as possible, we'd suggest putting together groceries with a couple of specific meals in mind. And consider the kind of food the person you're buying them for enjoys making. Do they have a favorite stew, casserole or pasta dish? Why not give them everything they need to make it?
The TimesTalks interview with Nigella Lawson from Dec. 8, 2008 is available at iTunes.
Related: Weekend Meditation: Taking Refuge
(Image: Flickr user zenobia_joy, licensed under Creative Commons)
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I have given groceries a couple of times, and both times I felt a little embarrassed to give such a prosaic gift, but both times the recipient could not have been more sincerely happy to receive big bag of produce, canned goods--just a full shopping trip done. Other people (my husband, a coworker) have told me it's weird, but from experience I can say it really is the perfect gift for someone having a stressful time.
i did something similar for my best friend when she had her 1st baby - i ordered catered meals from http://www.piattiprontillc.com/ in suburban chicago. and, they deliver :)
I like this idea. You could also bring over groceries and offer to help cook something that can be refrigerated or frozen (like stew, soup, casserole, etc.) with your friend. Cooking together is a nice opportunity to hang out while engaged in a useful activity--then you're there to listen if your friend wants to talk, but there's no pressure to do so since you're doing something together.
When my father died unexpectedly many people sent flowers, but what most sticks in my mind is the neighbor who made a chicken casserole (a symbolic start to what would develop over these past few years into a nice friendship). With its carb loaded, salty blandness it was a convenient source of calories for my mother and I ( we both lost out appetite in those early stages of grief). I also remember one of my friends sending my a Harry & David gift basket a few weeks later. I'm not a "flower girl" but I do like chocolate, cheese, and knowing someone is thinking of me.
To friends who may be expecting a lot of people coming over (for those sitting shiva, etc), I bring bags of Kleenex and toilet paper, and another bag of teas, coffees, creamers and sugar. The paper goods are not very clever, but they do get used.
I like slowdown's idea of cooking together. When lives are falling apart, it's nice to be able to (literaly) put something together.
After my husband had a major surgery, and required my round the clock care, a friend brought food and cooked for me. I cherish that more than anything. We were fed, and we had food for later. That meant more than all the flowers, and cards combined.
People who have a support network: church, or communities with a plan to step in with meals or visits realize how helpful this can be. Grief can make even the most simple tasks overwhelming. Daughter and I recently tried to think of all the practical things that might help and came up with: basic groceries, paper supplies, bathroom essentials, gums and mints, pet supplies, new sox or hose (I have trouble finding these even in regular times) and some cash to have on hand for hospital parking or other needs. Don't ask what you can do, just quietly and unobtrusively do something. Take away the trash, mow the grass, tend and comfort the family and their pets. But only if you can do so competently and not add to the stress by meddling or intruding. Be sensitive because it is not about you in times of other people's trouble.
and some pain relievers for the headaches and colds people under stress are likely to have.
When a good friend had to leave town for a funeral I went over her house the night before she returned with a couple of other friends and we restocked her fridge with basics and left supportive notes around the house.
Oh yes, brilliant idea... I have bought bags of groceries and instant snacks. I have done this for a couple of friends and popped in a batch of fresh muffins... when friends of ours lost a child and she could barely breathe for weeks she so appreciated having snacks on hand for her other children, for whom life goes on ... there were days when I just dropped off toilet rolls, breakfast cereal and muffins and these quite literally saved her sanity... far more than trying to find space in the freezer for another lasagna.
When a friend of mine had her second kid in June, I did bought groceries for her and her family. I called and said I was going shopping, was there something in particular they wanted, and I went from there. It was a better spent $20 than another toy for the baby would have been.
I love all of these ideas and will think of them the next time a friend of family member is in need. I like to do quick meals, like bringing over some fresh soup, rolls or fresh bread some sliced turkey and cheese and fresh greens that have been washed and prepped. It does not involve a lot of preparation but is healthy and warms the heart.
In my postpartum days, the thing that made me feel the most improved was when my hub gave me a foot massage. The tension and aches melted away. For those of you skilled at touch (and intimately connected) giving a shoulder or foot massage can do wonders.
I was at the doctor's once and I met a woman whose daughter had just learned she'd had a late term miscarriage. I exchanged information with the woman and made a pot roast with vegetables and dropped it off at her daughter's house w/ some other groceries. The daughter had several other children and when she called me a week or so later, she said leaving that food helped her get through the initial periods of her grieving. Food really is the way to go when you want to help someone through a tough time.