My husband and I have a very simple policy, whoever makes dinner does not have to clean up. Unfortunately, he often gets home earlier then me so I do a lot of dishes but at least its an easy way to share responsibilities. (Also, we get paid on opposite weeks so whoever got paid that week buys the groceries).

I plan, we shop, I cook, he cleans. We decided on what our strengths are, and made the division of labor fair to what we felt was reasonable. When we go shopping, he stays in the car and works on a project while I do the majority of the shopping. When my cart is too full, I call him and have him come in with another cart. We shop at Wegman's and when we do our huge monthly shopping day, we can't fit everything we need into their oddly shaped carts. I don't have to rush, because he's not following me around impatient until I'm nearly done with the shopping, and I don't have to drag around two carts like some sort of cumbersome caravan.

We make sure that once a season (spring, summer, fall, winter), we have a "house meeting" in which we discuss major issues in our home. This can include division of labor issues such as chores and house maintenance responsibilities, financial planning, relationship issues, and general ideas we have for our future in the short, mid, and long term. We set aside a whole day to ourselves to do this meeting and we go out to eat, so no one has to be distracted by chores during the discussion. Some days are longer than others, depending on the time of year and what all we have going on, but it is usually a great success in making sure we're each on the same page, that no one is harboring hurt feelings about something, and that our expectations are in line with the realities of our home life.

This doesn't take care of the financial issues but at my house we have what I think is a very important rule: He who cooks does not clean.

Tell him to man up and do the dishes! I hate when people don't pull their weight in the kitchen.

I won't be much help here, since we've been married for 30 years and our system is pretty much in place. My husband and I share household tasks pretty equally, based in large part on who doesn't mind doing what (for example, I love to garden so do all the outdoor stuff, while he is happy to iron and do the bathrooms, a couple of sets of things I don't like). We both cook and clean the kitchen. Who does what depends--on who is busier at the time, who has more schedule flexibility, etc. For the last few years, I have done most of the cooking; he has been working on a book which has taken lots of time. I like cooking, I work a lot from home so have lots of schedule flexibility. He has done more shopping and more cleaning. It helps that we are both have similar standards in what it means for things to be clean, pretty tidy and pretty much clean as you go types.

In the end, it seems to even out, in part because we have always assumed that we each need to take responsibility for making the house work. There is no job that is "his" or "hers" based on traditional assumptions.

Like most relationship 'issues', it pays to be upfront. If the status quo is no longer working for you, you need to bring that up in conversation. I do the majority of the grocery shopping in our family and while I'm not extravagant, I do spend alot of money on food. We don't eat out very often so that is our 'splurge', so to speak. The one-off times we do eat out, my husband will pick up the bill. Also, in terms of the cooking and clean-up, my work hours bring me home quite a few hours ahead of my husband so I get dinner ready during the workweek. Come Friday night, I relinquesh the kitchen to him and luckily he enjoys cooking as much as I do because he enjoys his night in the kitchen. Weekends, we tackle the task together. As for clean-up, we share in the duties regardless of who cooked dinner.

Hi Jenny,

When it comes to the money side of things, my boyfriend and I have a very simple and effective system that has now worked for us for a couple of years. We do live together, but I think this could be easily adapted for people living apart. Every week or two we each put in an equal amount of money into a "pot" (in our case it's a champagne cooler on top of the fridge). We use this money to pay for all shared things that we use cash for - food, household supplies, drinks or dinner when we go out together, etc. Of course there are times when I forget to take some of the money out with me when I buy things, but in general it works very well and helps avoid money arguments and is less complicated or permanent than a joint bank account. Maybe you could try this with your boyfriend after having a conversation with him and even if you don't live together you could each agree to pay a set amount each week (or until the money runs out) towards food.

In terms of cooking and cleaning we have the same agreement as eodwife - whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up. This means that the dishes sometimes don't get done until the next day, but that doesn't really bother us. Having said this, this agreement didn't work at all with my ex-boyfriend (partly an ex because he didn't do ANY housework) who said it wasn't fair because I love cooking and he hates doing the dishes, so you might have to be open to more flexible negotiating.

But as AT mentioned, having an communicative and non-confrontational discussion will probably help clear the air and clarify his position on things so you can decide things together.

......navigate this issue? Poorly, I'm afraid but in the reversed sense. I love to cook and my ex-wife often felt like I monopolized the kitchen. Ex-girlfriend kind of felt the same.... perhaps I should notice a pattern here. If I offered any advice it would be best to ignore it.

Me and my SO don't live together so when I have him over for dinner I expect that it's going to be me doing the planning and cooking and cleaning. It's part of being a hostess for me. On the flip side, he takes me out for very nice dinners and won't even let me pick up the check for pre-dinner cocktails so I think our system works out really nicely.

We have the same rule as many others. The one who cooks does not clean (except on a birthday). We generally decide what to eat together and then shop for it together as well. We also cook together...and then clean together.....

I shop and cook about 90% of the time and pay for all the groceries. My boyfriend (we live together) pays when we go out (makes him feel fancy too). We put all the receipts in a folder with our initials on them and at the end of the month go through and make sure it's even. If someone wants to treat someone to a meal (out or at home) we just don't add the receipt to the pile. He does eat more than I do, but at home that's pretty cheap since I never make red meat or super expensive fish and I get a lot of the leftovers for lunch. My suggestion is to raise the issue as general meal planning effort and get to the cost from there. Good luck.

I hate to read into things and project my own life experience, but when one partner is behaving in a lazy and selfish way in one aspect of the relationship, that attitude may well translate to other areas of the relationship, too. I think your first step is to stop and examine if your give-take is inequitable anywhere else in your relationship and whether there might be a different battle you prefer to pick before this one.

But that's the worst case scenario. The best case is that he's clueless in some way -- either not realizing just how much more he consumes that you do, overestimating your enjoyment of cooking, or not knowing enough about cooking to feel comfortable volunteering his skills. All are very solvable if you talk it out.

My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year now and we have a pretty good system worked out. He makes more money than I do, so he pays rent, I pay household expenses (like groceries, electric, cleaning supplies, etc.) and we split on recreational things and going out to eat. I cook a lot (well, when I'm not crazy busy at work), so he does the dishes, but sometimes I do them if they pile up and I don't cook a lot.

We split the household duties about equal, but he does more of the outdoor stuff like mowing the lawn and taking care of our vehicles and I do more indoor stuff like laundry (he helps carry) and dusting and organizing. It's pretty stereotypical actually, except that those are the things we actually kind of like doing. :)

You seriously just need to talk to your guy. Maybe he thinks you love cooking for him. Maybe he has ideas about "women's" work. Maybe he secretly wants to try his hand at cooking but is afraid you'll object! You won't know until you ask.

Try not to be accusatory during this discussion. But talk about fair and equitable distribution of jobs. Maybe he's feeling pressured to take care of something else in your household all by himself!

Also, if your'e spending minimum $20/meal for just the two of you, maybe you need to tone down the gourmet meals! Pasta, rice and beans, and casseroles might make him get the hint that you're done spending mega moolah on him all the time with no return. :)

Yes, it's all about the communication! Craft your language so it is straightforward in presenting the issues yet diplomatic so that he is open to hearing and understanding your points.

Perhaps some food shopping trips together are required and become part of your routine? He might be utterly oblivious of how much money and effort is required. And a simple request like "I would love it if you took care of the dishes tonight" after you cook might acclimate him to that task if repeated enough. If you articulate enough genuine appreciation and thanks afterwards and your sense of relief is visible, a guy worth keeping will want to continue and take care of you at least as well as you take care of him.

$20 per meal??? Yikes!

I have a similar problem! When I shop I buy organic, natural, mostly farmers' market type food, which means it's expensive. In his eyes I'm overpaying and he doesn't want to split it, and I end up paying a ton for food that he eats waaay more of.

For the other stuff, if you DO live together, just make sure the overall chore load balances out - the kitchen is only one room! (albeit the most important one). I cook and clean every weeknight, but my bf is the only one who vacuums/washes the windows/cleans the car, etc. It works out for us.

If you're not living together but are beyond the "hostess" stage in the relationship (i.e. dinners are whipped up, not planned) - can't you just ask him to give you $50 a week for groceries and help dry the dishes? If he absolutely refuses then you may have larger issues anyways.

I can't believe more people haven't mentioned the $20+ per meal. I rarely spend more than $10 on a meal for my husband and I (when we were in college and dating 10 years ago it was closer to $5 or less for the 2 of us). I think you may need to rethink your meal plans. I think you can broach the subject as part of a budgeting issue for yourself and/or say you need more time for studying. Say you want to include your bf in the meal planning and suggest he takes charge of the meals for certain nights or if he can't/hates cooking suggest he helps with the cleaning so you have more time to study.

I grew up in a household where "she who cooks doesn't clean up", and although it's the principle I operate under, and we've discussed it, it doesn't work with my husband for some reason.

We have a small kitchen, so I clean as I cook, so by the time the meal is done there's not much more than plates and cutlery left to go in the dishwasher, and maybe one pot to wash. When he cooks, I usually help (by request or necessity, because he can neither plan nor multi-task), and again, I clean as I go. If he really does do it all, there's always a mountain of dishes, and often a dishwasher to empty of clean dishes before anything else can be done.

Get it out in the open, Jenny, and be prepared to work through it together.

Hi Jenny,
It does depend a bit on whether you are living together or not, but my system is very similar to zoeroth. My boyfriend and I have lived together for several years, and we have a shared bank account that we both deposit money into each month for shared expenses--zoeroth's vase is an excellent, less formal arrangement if you don't want to deal with a bank. We are also both students, but make different amounts. We each contribute to the household pot proportionally. We guessed our expenses the first month, and kept receipts for everything for 3 to work out our budget.

I do 99% of the planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning, in part because I like it, part because I am a control freak, and part because my boyfriend only makes stir-fry (the exact same version). He cooks at least once a week, and we usually find ourselves snacking through dinner a couple of times a month. The idea is that he does the dishes, but since I mostly clean as I go it leaves little work for him!

I also find that I spend more than I intend to on meals, despite meticulous planning. My boyfriend is a long distance runner and eats A LOT, so we don't often have left overs, even when I think I've made enough to easily serve a family of 10! Hearty vegetarian meals a few days a week, plus conceding that I can't afford to buy absolutely everything organic helps a little, as does buying all staples from the bulk bins.

Good luck! Working out the details of shared households is challenging, but like others have said open communication is really important...

1) As stated, you need to talk to your boyfriend. From the sounds of things, it seems as though the two of you live together, but either way it might be a good idea to broach the conversation by asking him what he expects of you, how he feels about your eating/food situation, etc. and then follow those questions by expressing your current qualms and offering suggestions to remedy the situation. I think it's incorrect to assume he's lazy just because he hasn't helped out in the cooking/food preparation/shopping. Many guys have grown up in a household where their mothers did all of the shopping, food preparation, cooking, and baking, and therefore think nothing of it. Also, if it's his first time out on his own, he might just be ignorant of what's going on and require some careful nudging in the right direction.

2) $20/meal is way too much to be spending on food. Cut back by meal planning for the week. Try 5dollardinners.com if you're searching for inexpensive suggestions. You can do really wonderful things with beans, dried pasta, frozen vegetables, eggs, cheese, rice, cornmeal/polenta, etc. If he expects gourmet quality every night, that's something else, and if you aim to impress him every night with fancy meals, that's also something else. When my ex and I lived together, I'd often make big dishes of things or casseroles because he ate significantly more than I did. Meatloaf, enchiladas, shepherd's pie, lasagna, pasta bakes, frittatas, etc. are all good ways to stretch a buck.

3) When my ex and I lived together, we basically lived off very little money. Things weren't always divided equally, but generally speaking he paid for our meals out or we went Dutch, and we split the grocery bill by taking turns paying each week (or splitting if the bill was particularly large). I did 98% of the cooking because I was unemployed and he was generally in school until 6pm. He would generally do the dishes -- we doled out the responsibilities before moving in together -- but sometimes that meant he'd do them in the morning, and sometimes that also meant I'd have to do them. IMO, keeping score isn't cool; it's good to have an overall plan, but operating as a team means sometimes doing extra work to ensure everything gets done.

Like a lot of the other responders, with my girlfriend and I, one of us cooks and the other one cleans up. Whoever cooks depends on who gets home first, feels more up to it, or has a recipe they want to try. As far as splitting costs go, we just alternate paying by week - it's not completely 50/50, but we figure everything adds up fine in the long run.

Maybe for cost-cutting/sharing measures, whomever is responsible for the groceries that week can write the grocery list, so you can both stay on budget? Definitely talk to him about your issues; if he's unwilling to change anything and still expects you to give 100% while he just receives, it might be time to look for a different boyfriend!

Hi Jenny, great question. I hope you can have a straightforward conversation with your bf, because money issues and feeling like you're doing more of the work can be really stressful.

Like another commentator, my boyfriend and I just put all of our receipts in a shoebox, with our initials on them. At the end of each month, we see what the total is, split it in two, and whoever paid less upfront for things evens up then.

My boyfriend is about 160lb and I'm 95lb, so obviously he eats a lot more than I do. The compromise is that we drive his car a lot more than mine, so he ends up paying more for gas.

We also split chores evenly. It helps that our schedules match up and we like to do everything together anyway: we shop together, we prepare and cook food together, and we clean up together. One person doesn't get to sit down while the other person is working on a meal that we've both enjoyed. If I find that I'm shopping more, then I just make a list for him and ask him to go the next time.

Hope you find a system that works. But make sure you talk about it, otherwise resentment will just build up!

Oh man oh man, this is so exactly what my fella and I have been working out. We've been together not quite a year but as things have happened we've pretty much lived together since the start (though it was only official that he gave up his apartment about five months ago). He's a musician and one of his big sources of income moved away in December and I've been paying for just about everything and doing most of the cleaning. And he definitely eats about three times what I do.

I finally just told him that I couldn't afford it. Directly and honestly. I understand the urge to spend $20 on a meal. I do it, sadly, frequently enough. When you buy a good whole fish or even a small roast at the farmer's market you can do it pretty quickly! We usually even it out with a lot of rice+peas+egg meals but it's still overload. While he still can't contribute a whole lot financially he's much more aware of it and asks for far fewer things and doesn't push it as much when I say no anymore. We were also eating out too much and now are eating in every night and just having the occasional lunch out. We're holding one another to it.

What I found as far as chores go is that I just have to tell him what to do. He's willing to do it most of the time (although sometimes I have to nag, which I hate, but I'm not his mother and I'm not going to do everything). He's done a lot more dishes and a lot more help with laundry. God forbid I ask him to fold or make the bed though. Hopefully we'll get to a point where I won't have to ask him to do these things. He's getting better about the dishes. Try that out!

Before you start to resent the situation and an otherwise fine relationship goes south, you need to talk about this, and soon! I waited too long to talk about finances with my husband, and it became a big deal to me. It was eventually resolved, but I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had spoken up right away. Kindly, but firmly let your needs be known.

I had a very similar problem when living with a boyfriend. I love to cook and voluntarily did most of the cooking, and thus most of the grocery shopping (since I knew what was needed from the aisles). he was supposed to do the dishes (this should be discussed if you use lots of pots and pans when cooking so there's no resentment of any 'extra' work). if I didn't feel like cooking on any given night, I'd give him a heads up to fend for himself.

expense was a tricky part for us at first (especially as I was on a much more limited budget than he was). He eats at least twice as much at me at any given meal, yet we started off dividing the grocery costs by two, which made me resentful. so, we fixed this by basically dividing prepared dinners (with equally shared food costs) into two portions: he would usually eat all of his, I would eat about half of mine and have the rest for lunch the next day. He was responsible for buying his own lunch supplies. add the occasional trip to the grocery store, either with me to help haul groceries or sent with a list, and we were more or less happy.

I'm the Jenny who sent in this question and want to thank everyone for your thoughtful, helpful comments. This is a great community! Just to clarify, my (now ex-) boyfriend and I didn't live together, but it felt like we did since he was over at my place nearly every day. We broke up between the time I submitted the question and it appeared on the site, but I'll definitely keep all your great advice in mind for my next relationship since this definitely seems to be a chronic problem for me. Thanks again everyone!

Hi Jenny-

Sorry to hear about your break up. I think communication is key in finding a situation you are both comfortable with. I prefer to cook and clean up, but I like my bf to stay in the kitchen so we can chat, he can grab stuff out of the fridge or open jars for me. As for paying. I've done things several way and the "community pot" for shared expenses that someone mentioned above has worked the best for me.

I want to live in a household with a who-cooks-doesn't-clear-up rule! :-) Although we both enjoy cooking, we find that usually whoever has the time and energy gets the dinner on (we usually have a plan in mind) and then I clean up, otherwise my GF will just abandon it til the next day and I love having a clean kitchen in the morning. Sometimes she helps voluntarily, and sometimes I throw a wobbly 'til she helps! :-)

Money-wise we seem to have randomly split it thusly:
Her - stuff from farmers market; wine; anything from the farm shop; any treats she fancies;
Me - supermarket stuff since I keep track of the inventory
Unless one of us is feeling skint and then either the other one chips in, or we let our joint account take the pain.

Bit random, but I'm sure it all works out in the long-run. After nine years, I can't be bothered to get fussed about it.

Jenny, I hope you feel liberated!

My girlfriend and I have been together 5 years, and while we don't live together we spend almost every night together in one of our places. I'm a vegetarian and I love to cook, she eats meat and when we got together she could make ribs, Brunswick stew, kale sauteed in soy sauce and duck a l'orange. I've always done most of the cooking and she's done most of the kitchen clean up....but every few months we come back to the same fights where I feel like she takes for granted that I'm going to plan and make everything and I feel like she does a really incomplete job of cleaning up.

I realized part of the problem is that I'm a control freak. If you want someone to help you, you have to accept that they might do it differently. Instead of getting back in the cycle of nagging, I told her that I want her to figure out how to solve the problem. As we speak, she's writing out a calendar of what she thinks is reasonable for both of us to do. It's been great in relieving the feeling like I'm her mother, setting up chores and following her around.

I should also mention that they've been the happiest 5 years of my life, largely because she always hears me and is willing to solve problems. That's the most important part. :)

It all comes down to good manners and being considerate. No one likes to be taken advantage of; it's disrespectful. Shopping and cooking is not gender specific; we all need to eat. Men, you must realize that you eat twice as much as us. What gives? I'm 54; it kills me that women still have to deal with this stuff and that some of you are doing all the planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. No one should have to speak up; guys, you should know better. I'd like to hear from some guys about how they justify acting like this. Seriously.

My parents always go grocery shopping together, and I always thought it was a fun way to spend some additional time together. My boyfriend and I love shopping for food, and cooking together, and it's become a defining part of our relationship. If we shop together, we typically split up the groceries, and share the dishes load as well.

I'd encourage others to try to find a way to make cooking a shared experience, it can be a lot of fun.

My GF asked me to take on one meal a day, even if it means ordering in. I'm to ask no questions, that's the deal. Thing is, I kind of got into it and now I run several meals per week. And then she tricked me into blogging about it, about me learning to cook...

http://feralcook.blogspot.com/

Can people lay off about the $20 per meal---I have no idea where Jenny lives but if its a major city or a food desert stuff costs twice as much, so your $10 at store is equivalent to $20. At the same time that size of meal normally feeds 4-6 so as an individual you'd have leftovers for 4 nights---its sounds like the bf is really eating 3 times as much literally.

When my boyfriend and I started talking about marriage, I told him I wouldn't marry him unless he learned to cook. Within a week, he made dinner for me! Now we're engaged and living together. We each plan meals over the weekend, then I do the grocery shopping (because I like doing it). During the week, I fix three meals and he fixes two. We go out to eat or eat leftovers on the other nights. Whoever doesn't cook, cleans. It works for us!

We actually alternate weeks. One week he buys groceries and cooks and then the week we switch. This way we avoid arguments about what to cook, not eating what one of us likes, and spending habits. This method came about after much discussion, anger, and yes tears when someone finished off my tortilla chips without using salsa. I mean seriously, who eats chips without salsa then doesn't buy more chips to use the salsa? Also, whoever cooks doesn't clean the dishes, but is responsible for cleaning the stove and counters for the next persons week. And whoever cooks, doesn't have to vacuum the floors. It's kind of complicated, but it works really well. And we get paid opposite weeks so it ensures the person with money pays for the food. Eating out also falls in the spectrum. If it is your week for food, you pay for the restaurant.

My husband and I have always (until recently) shared this very equally, we both love to cook and are pretty tidy people. We also shop together, it's way more fun that way. As far as funds... when we were just dating we just took turns paying and meals were divided equally (so I had the leftovers, usually). I think it only makes sense to do it this way. For years I made a lot more money than him, but now, I'm a full-time student and have no income, so he's taking care of expenses and I cook a lot more, but he still cleans as much as ever --- thanks for reminding me I married the perfect man!

Ever since I started working at Whole Foods, I've been buying the vast majority of the groceries. I'm also the cook in the house, and the do-er of dishes (but that's by agreement - he does the litter box :) . I really like some of these financial solutions.

I would also love to hear some budgeting solutions, as I frequently spend $15-20/meal for me and my boyfriend, usually for something like 4 servings, even with my employee discount (YIKES!). We also subscribe to Bon Apetit which doesn't help - we tried to only pick out once recipe per issue, but jeebus was that ever tough.

great post! i'm getting ready to move in with my boyfriend and have been worried about how we'll be splitting groceries and other shared expenses. i love zoeroth's idea about the vase; not only will we not have to ask each other for money for shared items, it's a great way to budget! we'll definitely be trying this. Thanks!!

It's Jenny here again. I know there's some speculation about the $20/meal I was spending. To clarify, I do live in a mountain town where transportation makes things kind of expensive, but I also tend to spend a lot of money on meals because I buy an awful lot of organic/local food and also specialty ingredients because I like to be adventurous and to "wow" people. It's not uncommon for me to spend an entire day planning and preparing a meal. But why do I feel I need to cook like this all the time? Because food is what I bring to a relationship, what makes me a "cool" girlfriend. I don't really have other talents so I throw myself into culinary pursuits like nothing else. But this can lead to anxiety; I feel like I need to keep it up or I won't be wanted anymore. Then it's a spiral of resentment and anger and burnout. As many of you pointed out, this compulsion is a symptom of larger problems. You'll be glad to know I started counseling today :-).

I do the grocery shopping and cook dinners Sunday through Wed for my partner and myself. He cooks on Saturdays. We eat out on Thursdays and Fridays. It works for us. I enjoy cooking, so it's not really a chore for me. Plus, there are days when I'm, like, "I don't feel like cooking. We're going out" and he'll pick up tab.

SarahB, thanks for the tip about 5dollardinners.com. They have some really great recipes and I've been looking for ways to cut the costs of our (bf and I) grocery bills. Jenny, good luck!

@BKLYNbaker -- here's some of my budgeting solutions:

1. Decide how much of your income will be devoted to groceries every month, and stick to it by only shopping once a week and paying with cash. Sometimes I go one step further and decide how much of the grocery money will be spent on dairy, produce, meat, etc.
2. Shop you pantry/cupboards for a week to save money and use up existing products.
3. Incorporate more vegetarian and/or vegan meals into your diet, or reduce your costs by using meat as a flavouring agent in a larger meal (sausage or bacon in a stew, soup, casserole, frittata.)
4. Meal plan for the week to minimize waste.
5. Clip coupons and shop sales.
6. Cut back on non-essentials, if applicable (junk food, processed/packaged items.)
7. Opt for recipes with few ingredients, or look for recipes that use ingredients you already have on hand.
8. Buy rarely used ingredients from the bulk bin (such as spices and dried herbs, which can be expensive.)
9. Try shopping at ethnic markets (if possible.) I live in a big city where a bottle of sriracha in Chinatown costs $3 and the same bottle costs $7 at my local supermarket.
10. Make certain items from scratch (tomato sauce, bread crumbs). Me for me, salsa and pickles are cheaper to purchase than to make myself.
11. Buy in season, thereby ensuring the produce you buy is good quality and less expensive.
12. If you shop at a farmer's market, see if they reduce prices toward the end of the day. I've scored some great stuff for half the price just by going mid-afternoon instead of mid-morning.
13. Grow your own fresh herbs if you can, or start a small vegetable garden.
14. Buy meat in bulk and freeze extra portions for later use. Value Packs are called such for a reason.
15. I know you work at Whole Goods and get a discount, but sometimes it might be worth your while to shop around for the best deals.

There's my 15 cents. :)

oops, just read Jenny's comment...so sorry about the breakup and cheers to finding a better mate! I guess I will add my take: I wish my bf liked to cook as I'm not super fond of it (mainly bc I'm exhausted when I come home from work or I'm in class). So generally that means I do the cooking (but bf will try to cook occasionally...like spaghetti or quesadillas). I'm learning to like it more but bc I'm new at cooking for a vegatarian, it can become a bit annoying and makes me feel slightly resentful toward him. However, I'm learning to like it as I learn to make things little by little. I wish I had learned to cook sooner so I could take on bigger and more complex recipes but for now I'm just happy coming up with a variety of simple vegatarian recipes. Luckily, I've mastered a few things! The thing that really makes it all worthwhile is that my bf cleans up after I cook, always, and acts like my cooking is the best thing in the world, even if I know its not :)
And to be fair, the bf is very good about helping out with chores like laundry (he actually helps me fold!), picking up after himself, taking out the trash, dishes, etc. So at the end of the day, I'm happy and I just need to learn to be a bit less lazy after work, ha!

Jenny,

I'm similar to you - I like to wow people and use unique ingredients (and buy organic). It adds up SO quickly. My husband also eats a lot, so I totally understand your predicament. Once you have a well-stocked pantry, meals do get less expensive (I have pretty much every seasoning, vinegar, oil, spice I could ever need at this point). Also, meals that are less meat-centric are MUCH more affordable.

For every couple these things different! For me - I figured out that my huband likes to cook with me, but he doesn't really ever cook for me. I'm not sure why, but he only likes to cook when I'm cooking alongside him. And I'm ok with that (I LOVE cooking so it works). Plus, whenever I cook he does the dishes, which I appreciate very much.

Anyway, it sounds like you're getting at the root of the problem, and that's great!

My husband is the breadwinner-and I work a part-time almost full-time schedule, so, cooking is my responsibility. I don't deny that sometimes it would be nice to have a little help in the kitchen, but, I'm confident in this area, where he isn't. He's an IT guy and a fix it man-so it all works out in the end.

I hope that you will work out an ideal situation soon.:)

well, the point is not the meal costing $20, even if it's $10 if whoever is paying for it feels taken advantage of, it needs to be communicated.

Before DH and I got married, we lived together for at least 4 years (or more). Like some of the previous replies, we split the bills by him paying for rent + utilities and me paying for groceries, other stuff. When we go out he usually pays, though I pay too sometimes depending on my mood (lol..). It probably was not an even split of money, but to us it feels fairly even and we didn't feel like nickle-diming each other for the expenses. I guess we always knew we'd get married at some point so from that stand point, our money will be joint and it really doesn't matter who pays for what, we plan the budget as a whole between 2 of us and splitting everything evenly / evenly according to usage is just silly IMHO.

When my boyfriend and I moved in together, we fell into a chore pattern based on what we didn't mind doing. He loves to cook and I had been subsisting on frozen dinners and eating out, so he immediately took over all the shopping and cooking. He also tends our veggie garden. I do maybe 60% of the kitchen cleaning, and all of the bathroom cleaning, laundry, & home repair. So far it's working and no one is resentful.

As far as expenses go, it wasn't too long before we realized that he ate twice as much food and that splitting it down the middle wasn't so great. So we decided: we would add up receipts each month and split the total in half, and then he would cover all meals out. Because we eat out once a week at good restaurants, it seems to work out pretty fairly.

My only gripe is that because he usually goes the grocery store before I get home, he doesn't choose organic as often as I would prefer. He agrees with me in theory, but tends to waver when he's in the store and looking at two similar-looking products at very different price points. So we have partly solved the issue by starting a garden, and joining a CSA.

Everyone has great suggestions, but you should also be prepared for any eventuality. My boyfriend and I live together, and I do everything - I plan the menus, do the shopping, cook and clean. It sucks sometimes, but the alternative is Hamburger Helper every day served on plates caked in crud, and a bathroom that doesn't bear thinking about. We do split the food bill, but we eat such different foods that it's easy enough to draw a discrete line between "mine" and "his."

Love hearing everyone's suggestions!

In my household, since my partner is currently out of work, the "roles" are a little different.. I'm the breadwinner, working 8-9 hours a day.
I do the grocery shopping since I know how much we can spend..although we usually chat about what we have a taste for before I go shopping..
He does the cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and takes out the trash. I water the grass, household plants and make the bed.

I cook when I have a taste for something specific, when he's sick, or out of town on temp work.

Sometimes it sucks being the only one with a steady paycheck, but it works for us. & as a male raised by his grandmother, he's great in his cooking and cleaning... for the most part. :0)

@BKLYNbaker - even with the employee discount, stop or limit shopping at "Whole Paycheck" aka Whole Foods. You can find the same quality, if not better at Trader Joes or your local grocery store &farmers market (later in the afternoon, of course).

Not to be old-fashioned, but if your boyfriend were a man, he would not have you paying for a disproportionate amount of the eating expenses. He's a mooch, not a man!

Also, try putting him on a $10/week food budget and see how he fares. If he starts shelling out, then you know you've been had by a mooch. If he joins in enthusiastically, then you can rest easy knowing your man is thrifty and willing to save money!

Jenny, I find it hard to believe that good eating is all you bring to the relationship table!

I do have a variation on "the person who cooks does not clean" agreement. We have a small kitchen and on weekends when I cook, I tend to cook several recipes in bulk for the week and the freezer. I am a very productive but messy cook. So I make sure all my prep areas and materials are cleaned and put away before I leave the kitchen. Then my husband takes care of loading the family's dinner dishes into the dishwasher, as he is a loading ninja and very particular about dishwasher feng shui. My desire to do this is probably from years of cleaning up crazed pancake batter messes from "generous" breakfasts my sisters made. I just feel like it takes some of the delicious flavor out of the meal if the cook has totally trashed the kitchen for the cleaner.

My fiance totally eats three times more than I do, but he also follows the rule that she who cooks does not clean!

I am a student during the school year and an intern during the summer, so we share duties differently depending on whether I'm on a student or working schedule. During the school year, I don't mind doing the shopping, cleaning, and cooking because he's the breadwinner and at the office all day. During the summer months, though, he cooks twice a week, I cook twice a week, we cook together on Sunday (that's our try-something-new-and-fancy night!), and we might eat leftovers or out the other nights. The person who's cooking does the shopping, and we clean together on Sundays. It works out well!

As for expenses, we never really found a system that worked. Both of us are fairly laid back about it, so it all evens out in the end. We don't count receipts or anything. It's not worth going gray over.

What you "bring" to a relationship should have nothing to do with your cooking skills or lack thereof. You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming you might be in your 20s or not that experienced in relationships.

If someone is interested in you, they aren't going to notice whether you can boil water or not.

I'm low carb, and it's rare for me to date guys who are strict LC. As such, I cook what I like (they all like meat, though!) and throw a potato in the oven for them. If they want something else, they can bring it or cook it. Using more than 3-5 ingredients at any meal for me is "fancy." The guy I'm dating now could care less about my lack of culinary interest.

What makes low carb less expensive is the so-called lack of variety. More choices ... more $$$. I'm in it for health and when I compare notes with my carby friends, I seem to spend way less $$ on food than they do.

Good luck with your next partner. You don't need to be Julia Child to be loved. :)

Jenny, you have obviously touched a nerve with this topic. For some people, food is love. But for others, it's just fuel. There has to be some happy medium. So keep loving yourself up with wonderful food; enjoy it! But don't waste your culinary gifts on someone who doesn't appreciate or reciprocate. I wish you good luck.

The comments are a cultural shock. One person gets all the fun cooking and the other then has to clean up? Why on earth would anybody accept that?

If only one of you works, s/he pays for groceries and the other person invests time and effort in the meals (shops, cooks, cleans up...). If both work, eat out or order take-out food. When both of you have a day off and want to spend some quality time together, one option is to make a meal: shop together, cook together, eat together, then clean up together.

In this household, whomever cooks doesn't do the dishes. Since I don't mind cooking (and his definition of cooking is take out or microwave food) I tend to do almost all the cooking, so he gets stuck with dishes. An exception is when wants to snack - then you get to fix whatever it is and clean up after yourself. I tend to do a lot of household stuff like laundry, cleaning the kitchen, etc. He gets to do stuff like take out the trash and clean when he feels like it.

We split the bills based on how much we both make. Since he makes twice as much as I do, we decided I'd take care of groceries (since I'm much better at creating lists of what we need and being able to buy good food for lower prices and will shop where ever the sales are) and phone bills while he'd take care of rent and utilities (it evens out). Neither of us complain too often.

I can not believe you spend over $20 for a meal - that's absurd. I mean on occasion a nice gourmet meal is wonderful, but on a daily basis I'm surprised you're not broke. If I calculated up the meals we eat here, very few times would it go over $10 and sometimes less. The gourmet meals are usually only for special occasions or if we having people over for dinner.

If your man can't contribute, then maybe it's time for a discussion. He refuses again and maybe you need to look for someone else or learn to deal with it if you won't.

My boyfriend and I mostly cook for ourselves. We have VERY different eating habits/tastes and its just simpler that way. I might cook a meal for both of us once a week or so. He cooks for us sometimes too, but not nearly as often as I do. Im fine with that, though :)

As far as money goes, he pays a larger chunk of rent than I do, so most of the time I pay for the groceries. I dont make as much money as he does, so it works out for the most part, since I try to be very frugal. Plus, since I do the shopping, we have much healthier food in the house than we would if he did it :)

I think different arrangements work for different people, so you should have an honest chat with your boyfriend and try to work something out that you both find satisfying. Aside from that I also think you should look into ways to spend a little less on groceries. $20 for a meal sounds a little outrageous to me. With some careful planning, I bet you could get it under control.

My fiance and I have been struggling with this issue off-and-on for our entire relationship. It has a lot to do with our drastically changing life situations (he used to cook and buy our meals out when I was an undergrad, but expected me to share expenses once I graduated and got a salary; now I'm a grad student and he has a regular job but we both work long hours).

Right now, I shop for and buy the groceries for both of us and cook the majority of our meals (including preparing lunches to go for work). He pays for most of our meals out. We each pay for our own food if we go out with co-workers for lunches/drinks. It seems to work out ok, except I am definitely doing more "work" by shopping and cooking. As for post-meal cleanup, it seems to be a toss-up. After cooking for an hour and eating the meal, I don't feel like cleaning up, but he says "you made the mess, you should clean it up. If I was cooking, I wouldn't have made such a mess." Then we argue, and half the time, he cleans the dishes. I don't think it's a good system, and that part is going to change very soon.

Once we're married (two weeks!), the system will go as follows:

1. We're getting a joint bank account for shared expenses, which we will both use for food purchases.

2. I will still buy the groceries, because I like it better than he does.

3. We will have a cooking schedule so I'm not cooking all the time. Whoever cooks will try to clean as they go, but it's not expected that the kitchen will be spotless by the time the food is ready.

4. Whoever doesn't cook will clean the dishes.

I live together with my boyfriend, and we both don't make a lot of money.
We alternate days with the cooking / dinner responsibilities. If you don't feel like cooking on your dinner night, it is still your responsiblity to provide a meal. And if one of us is out, we 'fend for ourselves' and the person responsible cooks on the following day.
I think the idea is genius! And it's been working for about two years now.

Oh Jenny, I hope everything works out for you. I guarantee you have more to offer than your cooking, but that's a separate issue. There's a huge difference between cooking as a chore and cooking as a gift, and you can definitely lay the groundwork for that distinction in a relationship. Find someone who appreciates you and let the cooking be a bonus.

When you said you were a student, I thought that perhaps your (ex) boyfriend simply had never learned to cook for or clean up after himself. Someone like that just needs a dose of reality. I've always enjoyed the kitchen, but right out of college I NEVER cooked for a boyfriend because I didn't want to set a precedent. Starting off your next relationship without any assumptions goes a long way.

By the time I found my current boyfriend he was in his late twenties and I was confident that he was self-sufficient and wouldn't starve without me - I started cooking for us partly as one of my contributions to the relationship, but partly because, like you, I'm kind of picky about the quality of food I eat and by cooking I get to control that. (It's kind of like cleanliness - the pickier person does have to accept somewhat more of the burden.) He's not a gourmand by any stretch but to this day he's been enthusiastically grateful for every dinner, he never takes it for granted - as others have noted, this says more about our relationship than just about how labor is specifically divided. (I also thank him profusely every time he takes out the garbage or puts air in my tires and remind him that it is not his job to do so.) As far as expenses, it seemed to me that cooking from scratch was so much more affordable than eating out or the prepared foods he'd buy that I didn't resent his consumption. (Though I learned if I was trying to make enough for more than one meal, I had to package the extra up before I rang the dinner bell or he'd eat it all. If he ended up still hungry, he'd make himself another salad or have a bowl of ice cream)

We're married now and we've fallen into patterns of me cooking all the time because for the most part I enjoy it and he lacks skill and interest (he ALWAYS cleans up, though when I'm feeling particularly loving I'll clean up as many cooking dishes as I can before we sit down). Oh, and he always washes and spins the lettuce because he's more interested in a nightly salad than I am. Occasionally I would complain about the pattern and the assumption that I would cook (it takes a lot longer for me to cook than for him to clean) and we'd agree that he'd cook one night a week and we'd go out another night or two - on the other four nights I'd make bulk meals so two of the four would be leftovers. He'd make frozen potstickers or pizza on his nights, but that was okay because I knew we were eating our CSA vegetables and free range whatever the rest of the week.

Most recently, if I don't feel like cooking some nights - and this has happened a lot since I've been pregnant - I just don't. I'll sit on the couch and time will tick by, and I'll announce that I'm going to have a bowl of cereal, and he doesn't blink. He gets himself a bowl of cottage cheese or chips and guacamole and we mellow out on the couch together.

I have no lasting complaints, though again, we have no assigned duties and always express gratitude when someone assumes a chore. This may change when I go on maternity leave; we'll see.

Well, when I was a college student, my boyfriend had more money. Most nights, what we did was take turns. We had two nights a week where we ate dinner together, and two lunches. And we cooked together. However, when we ate out, he paid (he had more money). But it was on the order of Wendy's or Taco Bell.

Fast forward to new boyfriend/now husband. He did all the cooking. I didn't really cook (in college, I "heated things up"). In fact, for the first 9 years of our relationship, he did 95% of the cooking. But we got fat on his cooking. So I started losing weight and learned to cook.

So the last 9 years have been with my cooking. I do 90% of the shopping, 98% of the cooking, and only 15% of the dishes. He *can* cook, but I throw stuff together, and he needs recipes, and we invariably don't have something that he needs.

When I was pregnant, he did some cooking. He's also the grilled cheese/pancake/scrambled egg guy in the house.

I say cook together or take turns. My best friend's hubby doesn't cook at all, and she's getting kind of tired of doing all of it.

Any time this becomes a huge nit-picky issue, it's probably a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship. A solid couple isn't afraid to communicate if something is unsatisfactory, and the other person should be caring enough to try to remedy the issue.

For my live-in boyfriend and I, grocery shopping is almost something to look forward to, we love going together every week. We switch who pays every other week. We both work full time and make about the same, so that makes budgeting easy, but even in situations where that isn't the case (like when one of us wasn't working or got a bigger promotion) we would contribute equally either with effort or with money.

Since I go to work earlier than him, it makes sense for me to cook dinner usually, and clean as I go, because I'm home first. He makes up for it by packing my lunches for the next day, so I don't have to wake up any earlier. As for the "whoever cooks doesn't clean" philosophy, in my experience from having roommates during college, everyone was always cooking and baking because it is so much more fun and they knew they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. Then the kitchen was always a mess and some poor soul who didn't have time to cook would get stuck cleaning up after it.